[Zelev]

've been trying to get a divorce for over 3 yrs. My divorce is not final, but a few months ago I decided to start dating again. I didn't expect much because I'm in my 40's, a single working mom, and full time student with not a lot of free time.

My ex was extremely overweight and most of my 12 years of marriage and the 3 years spent getting a divorce has been without sex. My ex stopped having regular sex with me years ago pretty much after my child was born. He said I was too fat (even though he weight twice as much as me!) so right now I'm a little scared of my sexuality. ALSO let me stress that my son has never met any of my dates and I don't plan to introduce him until I find someone who will be around for a while.

Guy #1 - My very first date was with a 30 yr old man very handsome and in excellent shape. We are currently still seeing each other. I was and still am freaked about the age difference.
We don’t have much in common but sexually he's incredible.

Guy #2 - Is a sweetheart. Already, he tries to plan his days around my free time and he definitely is looking for a permanent relationship. He texts me twice a day and calls often. He wants me to go everywhere with him. Mentally we click, but physically, he doesn't do it for me.

Guy #3 - Is also unbelievably attractive and athletic. Right now we're just talking but haven't gone out yet but I really, really, want to. Adding Guy #3 is probably spreading myself too thin.

I think I owe it to Guy #2 to let him know that I'm not ready for a serious relationship yet. I know he would make a great boyfriend but after working so hard to get myself back in shape, an awful spouse, etc... I just want some eye candy for once in my life.

Is this immature or just a stage that you go through once you start dating again?

[Perna]

I think each person is different. Definately Guy #2 needs to know your situation (that you're not divorced and it may be awhile, etc.) and that you aren't really looking for a permanent relationship. I think if you let him know you're dating other guys that might cool his ardor a bit :-) so he gives you some room. I think it would also get him to display some more of himself, whether he's "controlling" which you don't need, or just "faithful" and keeps in touch and wants to get to know you for you, etc. Who knows if you'll warm to him sexually or not, that could change over time as you get to know him.

I wouldn't worry about spreading yourself thin or letting your dates know you're dating not interviewing anyone for a permanent job :-) I think you have the perfect excuse/way to keep things to your liking what with not being divorced yet and having a child. Anybody gets too "anxious" to monopolize your time or get too serious you can get space that way and just being "busy" with other dates (they don't have to know why on any particular occasion, just that you are seeing other men at other times) will let you use this inbetween time well for yourself, playing the field, having a little fun and getting to know what you want and what is out there?

If number two dont do it for you then he dont do it for you very simple really, so I would let him down gently but leave well alone.

As for the other two and being candy good luck to you I dont see age as an issue and they certainly dont so whats the problem ?

I would go light with both untill you or they choose then stick with one of them as runing two boyfriends with limited time is confusing like my post lol.

[sabby]

Zelev

You have the unique opportunity to play the field right now and have some fun. I wouldn't write anyone off if you are not looking for commitment at the moment. The whole idea of "dating" is to learn about each other. If you make it known that you are not looking for committment at this moment, then everyone can be on the same page.

The great thing about dating in your 40's as compared to in your teens is that you have so many more years knowledge and patience now than you did then. While the heart may still skip a beat for certain folks, our heads and gut can be followed a bit more than when we were younger and just learning.

After 2 failed marriages, I found myself in a situation I NEVER dreamed could ever happen to me. I knew a man for a couple of years and then one day we "clicked" and fell in love with each other. We married (maybe I'm a glutton for punishment here LOL) and I have never been happier or more in love than I am right now. He is 21 years younger than me. We do have different ideas, different likes and dislikes, but that's what makes our relationship so wonderful. We are both willing to share and explore each others interests. So to me, age is not an issue (it took me some time to work through this). But I'm comfortable with it now.

Take your time....enjoy your times together. Give yourself the opportunity to discover exactly what it is you want in a companion. Even if things don't work out with someone romantically, you may just end up having a wonderful friend for life!

Wishing you well!

Hugsss
sabby

[seeker1950]

I agree with what wise Sabau said:

"The great thing about dating in your 40's as compared to in your teens is that you have so many more years knowledge and patience now than you did then. While the heart may still skip a beat for certain folks, our heads and gut can be followed a bit more than when we were younger and just learning."

I have been divorced from an unhappy loveless marriage now for 11 years, since age 47. The only red flag I see is the sexual aspect. I've had the younger men, the "boy toy" and the "eye candy" also. If you can handle this emotionally, then I say go for itl! I naively thought I could, but found myself attached emotionally to those fellas, resulting in hurt and long periods of recuperation. So enjoy yourself, but just be careful, and take care of YOU!
Patty

[Zelev]

This past weekend I had a talk with Guy #2. I hadn't planned to do it yet but he must have sensed something. Anyway he started asking if I had soured on marriage, wanted more children, etc. Guy #2 and I have only known each other a few weeks and I just felt overwhelmed. I explained I wasn't ready to think about marriage and that he was pushing for a relationship too hard and too soon. Even after our talk, Guy #2 called today but I have not returned his call.

He took things pretty well but I really think he is just tired of dating and ready to settle down. My talk with Guy #2 helped me realize that I'm absolutely terrified of being in a commited relationship so maybe that's why I'm dating people I'm not attracted to or have nothing in comon with me. It's like Guy #2 and I have the exact opposite situations.

We barely know each other so I know he can't possibly be emotionally attached to me. Being careful and taking it easy sounds like good advice. After my fear is gone, I don't want to end up like Guy #2, latching on to someone just because I'm lonely.

[sabby]

Very good points Zelev about not wanting to end up like Guy #2.

I would say that dating now should be completely on your terms and when you feel comfy with whomever. There is nothing wrong with being up front and honest with all the guys you date that you are not ready for a committed relationship. If and when the time comes that you are interested in settling down a bit, you will know it and you can adjust your sights then.

Have some fun....have a blast. Enjoy your freedom and meeting new folks. Take good care of yourself!


sabby

I wish I could feel comfortable with dating again. I feel very lonely as my sons grow up and get closer to adulthood and independence. I have no social life. I am finishing my degree and have not been on a date in years. I am out of touch and have no faith in relationship longevity. Maybe I am causing my own problems but the last time I compromised for a man...he manipulated me. I feel very defensive and self-protective. I can't date like this.