So Lost...

3 months ago, my husband of 18.5 years told me we needed to separate. He explained that he had been unhappy in our marriage for 6 years and was at his wits end. I, however, never saw it coming. I knew we were in a funk, but I never thought we would be where we are now. I have spent the last 3 months fighting for my marriage, only to find out that he had a new girlfriend the week I left our house. The really ****ty thing is, him and I have still been sleeping together throughout this entire separation. He keeps telling me that we will work it out, and get back together, but I also know I can't wait for him my entire life either. We have three daughters who are struggling so much that they are having a hard time living their daily lives. My youngest has been talking about self-harm, my middle daughter has been having mental breakdowns, and my oldest is falling behind in school. Part of me is so mad at my husband for being so selfish, but then I also feel like I deserve better. However, my heart still aches and loves for him. Any advice would be much appreciated!

Hi @atut1985 welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry your relationship with your husband has deteriorated. That seems to be rough on the whole family.

The love hate relationship I have had with an ex is difficult to comprehend. It seems like I cling to something that is not giving me any support any more. It is like hope is more important than reality.

have you considered therapy for your daughters and you or even support groups?

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

You do deserve better, its a shame he waited 6 years to tell you.

Support your girls, it seems as though it was a shock for them as well as you. If anything to keep you going each morning, these girls need a role model right now. That will be you. be open with them how you feel, but talk about the future and your thoughts, ideas, and plans. Include them, make them feel part of your team. Don talk down about their dad, just be open and honest about you.

Show them that its not worth staying in a bad relationship. If he chose someone else, then choose you. Its his loss, your gain

How old are your children?

This unsettled me.

It's difficult to comprehend how one might begin the process of psychically/emotionally separating whilst still sleeping with their partner.

This sounds like emotional torture.

I wouldn't be able to trust someone who was sleeping with me and someone else. It seems like he wants all the fun, but none of the responsibility. I think stopping the sex will help you a lot.

If you are sleeping together you aren’t separated. He’s married to you and has sex with you while sleeping with someone else on a side. I suspect he had a girlfriend for a long time. No way he just met her. I hope you don’t have unprotected sex and I’d see a doctor asap. It’s a sure way to spread STD. Please protect yourself. Get your kids into therapy to help them to process all this.

Put your children first. Your love for your (unfaithful) husband has to come second. They are young, they are vulnerable and they are suffering - that ought to be your priority.

I'm sorry for the pain you are in. You've struggled for so long to not know a thing that you didn't want to be true. You've told yourself, "Things aren't great in this marriage, but I'm patient and loving, and it'll work out somehow." There is value in that mindset when it keeps us from giving up too soon. Marriages have their low times, and that mindset slows us from over-reacting to difficulties that sometimes do get worked out.

Over the course of 6 years, that mindset became a refuge for you. You went from not over-reacting to way under-reacting. Your kids sound young enough that the thought of breaking up the home must be frightening you terribly. There are financial issues, fear of loneliness, grief over the loss of your marital partnership. It's a lot. You're still avoiding reality by dwelling on how much you love your husband. It's okay that you still love him. It's not okay that you are making that the centerpiece of your emotional world. You have responsibilities . . . to those daughters and to yourself. Those have to be your priority now.

For whatever stupid reason, probably involving a lot of immaturity, this man checked out of this marriage years ago. He's been gone and he is done with you and those girls. You've been singlehandedly trying to nurture your girls, and they are not getting what they need. You don't have enough to give them, while he is draining the life out of your heart with this sham of a non-commitment to his wife and children.

He has a weak character. That won't change. He is who he is. Never expect better from him. You will not get it. He doesn't have it to give. I don't judge him. I accept the reality of who he is. He is telling you and showing you who he is. Believe him. Let go. Find a lawyer. Get things so the girls and you are living completely separately from him - an order of separation. He should have to move out of where the family has lived. Get him out, and do not let him back in. You're only torturing yourself, and, more importantly, you are keeping those girls plunged into a soup of toxicity.

Don't delude yourself with how "the girls need their dad." That's you living in a fantasy. They need this arrangement to be stopped. Look what it is doing to them.

You have a rough time to go through because you have so much catching up to do. Start now. You will deserve better when you face your responsibility to untangle this mess. I hope you have some supportive family and friends. You sound very alone. Dig deep and find your courage. Don't stay in this hell.

I commend you for your honesty in sharing things that are difficult to admit. That honesty is the beginning of courage. You've made a huge start just by facing the realities. Build on that. You can.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Relationships are scary. I feel awful for you and your children, but it seems that your husband or ex husband is an immature cheater. I would say he has had this girlfriend for some time and is not using that as a reason to leave you. They say the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and I hope he realizes this once he sees what he lost. I do wish you the best, and you and your daughters do deserve better.

I would say don't give up! Never stop showing your love.