Feeling alone

Greetings all

I'm really in a tough place at the moment and am seeking some wisdom and support . Feeling really low .

My wife and I have been married for over 28 years. We had our ups and downs over the years, had a close call with a near divorce years ago mostly due to my issues and partially due to hers . We both got individual therapy reconciled/relocated and restarted our lives and today she suggested that it might be better for both of us if we divorced as she was not sure we could any longer provide each other what we needed emotionally . She explained she wants to work something out amicably without any lawyers in a way that minimally hurts either or us financially .

She says she is a wounded soul and I shouldn't have to be with someone with her struggles . I love her so very much and am happy to face those challenges. I suggested marriage counseling but she says she's not sure if she can do that and will have to give it some thought. I am far from perfect and fail at times to show the right emotional support but neither does she (which she readily admits)

I am hopeful that things can be figured out and we can save this but I am devastated and to be honest terrified about the concept of loosing who I thought was my soulmate and best friend . I am also terrified of living alone after having a partner by my side for almost 3 decades to face life's challenges with.

I don't know how I will deal with the loss of such a big part of my life or starting over both financially and emotionally if this happens. How do you get over almost 3 decades ? How do you start your life again in your mid 50s ?

Feeling lost and hopeless at the moment.

I am so very, very sorry you are in this situation. It must be incredibly stressful, distressing and heartbreaking.

Couples therapy could be very helpful if your wife consented to attend with you.

Although I am not in your shoes and wouldn't want to trespass on the uniqueness of your experience, I lost the love of my life after thirteen year of living together. It was her choice not mine.

Huge changes like that take time to adjust too. But I was able to get past the misery. I eventually got used to my new life and was able to re-experience peace of mind and joy of living. To be honest, it was no easy thing and I initially fell into a terrible depression for which I was hospitalized and given antidepressant medications. These did not change my external circumstances {I am still alone} But they helped me bounce back from what I thought was a hopeless situation and living hell.

Therapy helped me too although I benefitted more from reading books by famous psychotherapists than by face to face therapy.

There were no personal computers when all this happened so I had nowhere to go to communicate with others going through the same misery as I was going through. Luckily there are online Forums today, like this one. I would have benefited from this Forum in those days but I was left alone with my misery.

I hope you will feel free to lean on us for moral support whatever happens in your life. No one should be all alone with misery like you are going through.

Please forgive me if my words are not helpful to you. It is so hard to know what to say when a person is going through so much. Hopefully others here will have better and more helpful words for you than my poor and empty words.

My heart goes out to you and I hope things work out. I think your distress over all this is perfectly understandable.

Thank you very much for responding to me, sharing some of your experience and your words of encouragement. It's been tough just being in my head the last 24 hours. I felt completely drained and defeated as well as feeling like a complete failure that this is happening to me.
I'm going to vent some, forgive my long winded post..

I have suggested that we cold look into couples therapy but she does not seem to have any interest in that , perhaps if I give her enough space she may wish to . I cant plan on that though.

I reached out to an old friend today whom I haven't talked to in years who fortunately had a few hours to listen to me wail try to help ground me . He has been though his own Divorce years ago and it was nice to be able to talk to him and hear that I can survive this. He suggested I try to focus on me and doing things on my own for me and perhaps start working out again. That's my plan , hopefully I can motivate myself to do it.

We are living together still as we only have the one property in a rural area so one of us will be moving to the guest room as we have both agreed to be amicable to each other thru this . Well other then the unamicable choice she made when she decided to throw away over 28 years over issues that could have been worked out IMO .
I can not change her decision so now i must work on accepting what I can not change (her choice) and work on changing the things I can (Me) . The words are easy for me to say but It's all I can do not to break down as I'm typing this .
I had 1 real bad Grieving burst today that lasted almost half an hour. It hit me so hard I was struggling to cope and I am sure there are many more to come as I am definitely still in shock and it probably has not fully registered yet and I'm hoping I can still wake up from this nightmare .

I have no intentions of leaving the house even if she ends up staying instead of me until we are finalized and will treat her with respect as she is the mother of our only child and despite her choice to end this lifetime we had together , I still Love her.
I am saddened that her issues and our lack of communication about them as well as my lack of ability to deal with them ( I tried for years ) in the way she needed brought us to this place . I truly wish we could have tried couples therapy if for no other reason then to see if 28 years of life can be saved instead of just throwing it away.

The current plan is to in the spring to have me buy her out or her buy me out or sell the house. The house is close to my work and she works remotely and can work anywhere so initially it seems to make more sense for me to stay but If I let her buy me out. I will need to crunch the numbers and see what works for me.
Part of me loves this property and wants to keep it as it is an amazing piece of land with acreage .
However part of me also thinks this is a great time to downsize if possible and make my life easier financially.

That's all I have for now, thank you again for replying and I'm sorry for rambling on but it feels good to be heard.

Sandman, I left my emotionally unavailable husband of 28 years. It will be one year and 4 months out on January 7. That is when the divorce was final. I don’t know how to move on even though I am the one that left. I didn’t leave him because I didn’t love him, I left because he was ignoring me and pushing me away for years. I was dying of loneliness. He has started dating and having a wonderful time with his new woman. It is hurting me to the bone because he ignored me and didn’t want to have any fun with me. I am 52 and completely scared, lonely, confused, depressed, and hopeless. I’m sorry I am no help except to say you are not alone.

It sounds like your wife is experiencing a mid life crisis and has been internally depreciating her own value as a person. Sometimes this pushing away is more of a question that a partner misunderstands and determines to abandon instead of reassure.

Thank you for responding and sharing your struggle. Actually hearing this from you is helpful, it's very good to know that I'm not alone in my situation.
I am so very sorry for what you're going through.

I also feel hopeless and depressed and I'm struggling every single day just to get through my day. I just don't understand how she can do something like this and how it would make more sense for her to give up after 31 years.

I love my wife and she says she loves me but how can you love someone and do this??
Yesterday she agreed to try to go to couples counseling but says she has no faith in it doing anything and says that she feels like she has to because I'm asking her to.

I understand that she has trauma from her childhood and suffers with PTSD from it but who better to support her than her husband who had loved her for 28 + years and is done the best he could to deal with an almost impossible situation.. she said she has no interest in anyone else and we'll probably spend the rest of her life alone so nobody else has to be exposed to her stuff and she feels horrible about what it has done to me over the years.

Who else could understand better and sympathize more, I'm willing to sacrifice almost anything even my own happiness if only we could make this work. I know this is not healthy but I can't help feeling that way.

Thank you again so much for responding.,

Could you explain more ? Not sure I understand what you're saying

It sounds like your wife is experiencing very challenging feelings of helplessness that often hits in ones fifties. Feeling vulnerable brought on by the physical and hormonal changes that happen in one’s fifties can trigger insecure feelings experienced earlier in life. This is not something one can articulate yet it often shows by the withdrawal you are describing.

Thank you for elaborating in more detail and you might be right , I wish I could ask her to understand that is a possibility.

Mine did the same thing. We are still married, but I simply learned to amuse myself. He never wanted to go anywhere or do anything with me. The difference for me is, he could get a new woman and do the same. He just isn't into fun. All he knows is the TV.

I am so confused. Yesterday she had texted me at work and the subject of marriage therapy for us came up and I asked her if she would consider trying it? Since we are living together until the spring, worst case we end up in the same place we are in now. She replied "lets try it and see where it goes and that she prefers Telehealth vs office visits, no promises on the outcome however."
She also listed several things she expects going forward, ways I can support her healing ( all very reasonable ). I told her I hear you and I mirrored ( my therapist has been encouraging me to use this communication method ) her request back to her to Validate her reply and show her I was listening to her .
I thought to my self, fantastic we are going to try.
When i got home she made an amazing dinner and we had fantastic conversation with laughter and smiles even. Then we watched TV for a little bit and I thanked her for the wonderful meal and conversation . Then I suggested I would go upstairs and give her some alone time to decompress( something she always wants to do after a long day at work and of late she has been working a lot of extra hours which is true as she works remotely from home)
Instead of saying thanks sounds good, which is what I expect. She instead tells me I should stay for the next episode so I can see how the story ends (it was a 2 part episode). After the show was over I thanked her for the wonderful evening and communication gave her a hug and told her I was going to leave so she could decompress.

I went upstairs and spent the rest of my evening researching marriage therapists on Psychology today and found a few that sounded worth considering . The next day as she was making coffee and I was heading out the door to go to work I texted her the list and said "hey here's a list of some marriage therapists that seemed decent to me and did online therapy sessions, I'm going to text them to you so you can research them to see if you felt any she felt were acceptable to try .
She showed no interest in looking at them and then said she felt like she had no choice but to agree to go???

When I mentioned marriage therapy the previous day in the text I only said in the text in the conversation she started "don't you think after almost 3 decades isn't it worth trying and since we are living together for the next few months either way? worst case we still end up in the same place as right now. " She said "sure why not , lets try and see where is takes us" I don't understand how we got from yesterday to today . There was no other interaction between us for the rest of the evening and she hugged me when she came to bed, so i don't feel I could have done or said anything to offend her or upset her.

Hey all, checking in I'm still circling the airport with no idea which way the winds will blow . It changes from day to day and I spend my days either happy and hopeful ( The other day she wrote me an amazing letter full of hope and suggestions for improving our communication ) or utterly devastated and crying myself to sleep when she says something like "I'm not sure, perhaps it's too little to late at this point " out of nowhere . She seems all over the place emotionally. When she talks of divorce, it's as impersonal as if it were just choosing to go shopping at a different supermarket . How ? after over 3 decades together can she seem to be so cold and heartless? Even if we manage to avoid divorce this time, what's to say in 2 months or 2 years she wont start this back up again ? I have never once suggested divorce so I can't understand how she can even think of it, yet alone almost take us there twice in the last 5 years.

What should I do to help me get through this uncertainty ? Can anyone offer me any advice ? Should I prepare for the worst and harden myself to survive or remain hopeful and encouraging ? I don't want to act as if I've given up as I am afraid that will only convince her to go thru with the divorce . Or am I just a piece of driftwood at the mercy of the currents and my actions will in the end have no impact on what happens to my own life ? This sucks.

@sadmanagain you mentioned in another thread that your wife self medicates with alcohol. If she has a problem with alcohol then you will be subjected to the confusing emotional loop that occurs when using alcohol to self medicate and escape.

Hi there,

I have a lot less experience than you, being only 26, however, I've been through a good few hurdles for my age (seeing death, my parents divorce, my recent thread and other things).

I've done couple counselling before, trying different professionals. Personally, it helped in the short-term, but not in the long-term (which doesn't mean it will be the same for you). I can imagine that you're practically soulmates at this stage, which must be extremely difficult.

Of course I'd recommend therapy, but prior to that, go on a holiday, just the 2 of you, to reset and start therapy fresh with new emotions. Both people must work to make it last and be happy.

My parents divorced recently, my father becoming single at 50 (so close enough). His first year was very difficult, he was lost, depressed... didn't know what to do. Eventually, he started meeting people, quit smoking and drinking (he was an alcoholic), started gym and is enjoying his new life. The time alone let him reset and think about his life. He's far from perfect, but he's meeting a few women now, one he wants to go exclusive with.

I hope it won't come to this and you'll manage to work it out, but if it does, know that you're not alone, you'll still have options and won't be left alone.

Hope this helps

Heya all checking in and need to vent some . At work and I feel like I'm falling apart inside .
I am so afraid of loosing her . She says she won't make any decisions for a month or two and tells me that actions speak louder then words and she still loves me but as this goes along she is acting stronger and I feel myself getting weaker and falling into deeper depression.
I'm a mess . I am accepting fault for things I don't believe I'm even doing out of hope that it will make her happy.

Her perception is often not reality and I feel like I'm helpless going for the ride. When she has had a couple drinks her words become so cruel . In those moments It feels like she got what she wanted out of me and now will take half of everything along with what's left of my soul .
I am currently working full time and doing all the shopping and property maintenance while she drinks and watches TV after work but yet I'm not doing.enough supporting her enough through this and not understanding her situation enough . How can I understand having my heart torn out ?
Her birthday is coming up in a few days and I want to something nice for her but she says she doesn't want anything.special.

Feeling really low ATM what the hell do I do ?

Her choosing to self medicate with alcohol is concerning. One thing I was told many years ago is that if the topic of drinking comes up that usually is a red flag there is a problem.

The other red flags I see are her making things up, things that are not a reality. The other red flag is your growing depression and feeling you need to fix this.

Has your wife been a bit of a drinker for a long time?

It's not that she makes things up, I think it's her having a PTSD reaction to something that those without PTSD would not. I have read that those with PTSD can perceive almost anything as a danger or threat. I believe her 100 percent that she struggles with lots of stuff from her childhood but there are times where her perception does not make any sense. I have been trying for years to support her through her therapy and healing as she had blocked out much of her childhood and through therapy has been remembering more and more of it. Her struggle is real but so is mine trying to be supportive of her in a challenging situation getting almost no warmth back in return.

As for her drinking yeah she has always had a drink after work each night but they are doubles nowadays sometimes 2 of them, rum or vodka . Friday and Saturday nights perhaps 3 . She never drinks while working . I do feel that she is self medicating with the drinking of late.

I have been listening to some stuff on codependency and I wonder if after so long together I may be .

You are right the depression is very difficult to handle at times as she is the one I want to grow old and grey with and be 2 old farts sitting on the porch some day. Helping each other thru our silver/golden years and enjoying life and each other not sad and lonely . I have been in love with her for 3 decades and that's never changed . She was just as in love with me but in the last year or so she has changed.

I feel like I need to fix this because at the moment she is saying she will not make up her mind until the spring and wishes to see how I can hear her and work with her, how if I can show her what she needs then she most likely will not want the divorce.

This slim hope is what has been keeping me trying. Perhaps I am a fool for that but I love her so very much that I feel I owe it to myself to try.

It’s very nice of you to try to be understanding and patient. Please know that ptsd is just as confusing for the person suffering from it. There is no cure, it takes time for the person struggling to figure out their triggers and learn how to manage the way they react when they are triggered.

It takes time to find the right medications that help. Alcohol consumption isn’t really good for those struggling with ptsd. Yet those who drink are trying to escape the anxiety that can build up with ptsd. The desire is to numb self is the goal.

I am wondering what in her life has triggered her to develop these ptsd symptoms.

Thank you for that,I try and I would do anything for her . I know her struggle is very real and I love her with all my heart and soul.. She refuses to go to a doctor (see below) and says because of that, meds are not an option.

She is the victim of severe long term childhood physical and sexual abuse by family members, which went on for over 10 years most of which she blocked out for the first 20 years or so we were together, She knew it had happened but had suppressed almost all of the details. When she was 12 someone alerted social services and they intervened and took her and her siblings into foster care which I am sure saved her life .

She has been working through her therapy to deal with it and that presented it's challenges but nothing like what happened last year.

Shortly before things started to become the way they have , she went to a female stuff doctor visit and experienced a flashback while being examined as the covid protocol of wearing a mask during this type of very personal exam triggered a flashback to being assaulted having her assailant hold their hand over her mouth to keep her quiet. It's truly awful and I feel for her so much. Since then she has stated that she would rather die then go back to see any doctor. It set her back huge in her healing and she has been trying to work through it through her therapy.

Her therapy is done via zoom so she is able to do that ok but her therapist is only a social worker and can not prescribe meds. I do feel they would help her but that dog won't hunt in light of the issues going to see doctors.
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Nothing has been the same since that and she has grown more and more distant ever since . I have tried to be understanding and work with any and every thing she asks of me but it seems like it's never good enough and she just keeps moving the goalposts.
Everything in our struggles of late is blamed on me pretty much. Sometimes I wonder if this is because all her assailants are dead so I become the target for her anger at them and what happened.

I do feel like many would have given up by now dealing with such a challenge . I am unwilling to do that as I love her and if this stuff does not fit the "in sickness and in health" I don't know what does and I will keep trying but if in the end she just decides she wants to go thru with the divorce there is nothing I can do other then feel like I have failed at the one thing in my life that means the most to me .

Oh how awful! Please do not burden yourself with any guilt about her challenge ((sadmanagain)). There is literally nothing you can do to fix this challenge in her. She isn’t really angry at you but at the way this is crippling her. Unfortunately a lot of anger comes out as it’s bad enough she went through what she described and now she relives it in such an intrusive way that it can get downright frustrating. She really should be seeing a specialist for this, not a social worker.

Her anger at you more than likely is about her no longer being capable of being close or intimate with you since this condition got activated. It’s a terrible thing to be afraid of your own mind that can suddenly get crippled by flashbacks that can get very debilitating.

It’s not that she is divorcing you personally, but anything you might do that can trigger her to having a terrible ptsd reaction. It’s a very hard thing for others to understand and equally so for the one suffering.

Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. It's hard not to accept blame for this situation when she pretty much keeps blaming me without considering how her perception may be skewed by what she is going through and has gone through.

I'm a fixer in my thought processes in my career as well as in life and all my instincts scream out "you can fix this. If only you did blank, it will be alright" her very comments about the situation suggest the same thing .
I feel so defeated by this situation and potential loss of what matters the most to me (Her being a part of my life) that I struggle to accept that I have any value at all . I often get stuck and wonder if perhaps it is all my fault.

Eventually I realize that I'm a good person (not perfect but no one is) who is trying to do something almost impossible uphill the whole way . That feeling never lasts because I quickly go right back to worrying about loosing her and then accept that I'm a bad person and the depression starts hitting hard again. How can I help myself with that feeling ?
The other day on the radio at work a Fleetwood Mac song
Rhiannon came on with the chorus " would you stay if she promised you heaven? ...Would you ever win ? " then at the end there is another chorus "Dreams Unwind, Love's a state of mind"
I don't want to loose her but this really speaks to me.
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I wish she would see a specialist but she feels that she has a good connection with her current one who she has been seeing for a few years now and does not wish to change and its not my place to suggest what therapy she uses (boundaries)

I hear what you are saying but in the end a divorce is a divorce from my point of view no matter the reason. This whole situation sucks and all I can do is be the best man I can be and support her and hope perhaps she may decide not to divorce in a couple months. It's just so difficult keeping my head up through all this but If I don't I'm sure I'll push her into divorce for sure .