Feeling alone

Life can present us with things that are very difficult to navigate. ❤️

Yup and right now my life feels like trying to find my way thru a never ending chain of partially submerged icebergs while piloting the Titanic on a foggy night. I'm in such a low place right now.

My efforts at being the best supportive me has resulted recently in a comment of " it feels like you're putting in a last ditch effort to show me you're a nice guy "

How do I even respond to that??

Of course I have, I heard her at the beginning of all this and have been working hard on my therapy to become a better me . I have accepted fault for stuff I haven't even been doing.
I have figured out some stuff about me, I am showing growth and all she can see is deception??

She hasn't addressed her stuff she acknowledged much at all in the last few months . Her answer is "she struggles"
It must be convenient not working on her stuff while being always ready to criticize my progress and accuse it of being insincere . 😰

It just feels atm like no matter what I do she will just move the goalposts . .

You can’t do her work for her. And she can’t do the work she needs to while abusing alcohol

I agree and at the same time what options does that leave me ?

Be depressed and lonely more often then not while holding onto hope that things will get better ? She just started going back on her meds and it will be a few weeks before the effects from those are seen. They may help her a lot as this all started back up again after she stopped taking them .

Or

End it or stop trying to save it and unravel 3 decades of the life I worked my *** off to get to this point just to have life get harder .
Our son may take her side and then I potentially loose him.from my life This will also result in severe depression for sone time that also may get better with time .
I grew up without my father in my life and it messed me up some I'm sure and it's hard not feeling if this fails that I will have become my father . That concept. really bothers me .

Sometimes I wish I woke up as a different person without all this weight on my shoulders. It's really weighing my soul down of late .

I’m sorry, unfortunately it sounds like your wife has two issues that make her very self absorbed. She has ptsd and abused alcohol. She may take new meds but if she continues to abuse alcohol it’s very bad.

It’s understandable you feel lonely. Are you seeing a therapist? You need something outside of this world of her to help you have your own identity and also be around others you can interact with that are more normal and healthy.

Oh yes, loneliness! I know it all too well. I ended a relationship of five years that was going nowhere, not because I wanted to but because we were two very different people. The toxicity of it exacerbated my already fragile Mental state and he had issues that he didn't want to admit to, he was totally dependent on me for his every need and at the end of it, he was so very much delusional that he believed he did it all himself. He had to go and that was that.

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation but sometimes things that we do not want to face and decisions that we do not want to accept are probably for the best in the long run. Surely you must have felt some burden having to carry around her emotional baggage. Its okay to admit this, we are only human at the end of the day. I don't know about you but i am using this valuable time on my own to rediscover who I really am whilst at the same time looking after myself emotionally, mentally and physically.

Yes I talk to someone weekly and it helps but you are right, I do need something outside my world of her and be around others who are more healthy.
I am going to look into some activities outside the home and perhaps join some groups/clubs that do that activity.
I live in a very rural area and we moved away from all my older friends and contacts though I keep in touch on the phone. My good friend of almost 40 years keeps telling me it's not me, it's her and I need to rip the band-aid off but I can't bring myself to give up. He insists she is a narcissist and that if I don't there will be nothing left in my heart/soul . He might be right but I cling to hope. He says even if this works out this time she will just loose it again down the road and that I deserve better, someone who isn't damaged. Am I just so desperate that I can't see things for what they are ?

I still love her so very much and overall our communication is far better then it was 4 months ago . She often now talks of how WE need to do this to the house or WE should go here in the summer which is water for my parched soul .
To me this is a sign of things getting better but then some days it's back to freezing cold emotionally, not hurtful just nothing .

Noticed you following another thread and my concern is that while there are similarities I don’t think your wife has the same base issues. That being said her increase in using alcohol will add more mood problems and aggravate the ptsd. It also hinders her healing and slowly learning how to manage the ptsd.

Self medicating with alcohol only makes any mental health issue worse. In fact it also makes a personality disorder even more toxic.

Alcohol abuse disorder affects the part of the brain that monitors ones own actions and how these actions and behaviors affect others. Alcoholics get good at faking that they care, but they don’t care and are just looking for a following or ways to draw attention to themselves. Individuals with ptsd don’t typically practice this. Instead it’s those that have an underlying personality disorder that are more attention seeking and are drama addicted.

Hey Mr sadmanagain........ I understand and can ID with all that you feel emotionally. I went through a similar situation a few times with who I thought was my soulmate but actually was just another human being. You can live with someone 50 years and still not really know them. I just want to say 1 thing. If your wife's an alcoholic she should be in rehab. There's no talking sense into an active alcoholic. Your just wasting your time. And you " sound" very frightened of entering the world alone and having to fend for yourself. It is scary but you can do it in time. Your wife's ptsd is not your problem. SHE has to work through that herself. I don't mean to come off cold but the reality of the situation has to be discussed. Hopefully in separate and couples therapy.
Someone earlier said " listen" ........I think that was a direct message to you because you ask for help and advice but you don't seem to listen because you keep bringing up the same things over and over again seemingly disregarding good advice.
Best of luck to you.....

@Sadmanagsin you have been quiet, how are things going?

Well I don't have to wonder anymore about how this is going to go .

She has retained an attorney and has filed for Divorce 😰. She says she knows she can't make me happy because she is broken and her issues are too much.
She says that it's not fair to me and I deserve someone who can make me happy . Shouldn't she has asked me if this would help my happiness before doing this and saying that ?
She says she just wants to be alone so she doesn't expose others to her issues . This hurts so badly right now , even though I knew it was a strong possibility.

What a mess, now I don't have a choice on what I'm doing . I need to focus on building my new life . Time to try to start following the advice I haven't wanted to hear .

So step one, I am going to start looking for a new house I suppose as she has suggested staying in this one and offering me a favorable settlement to help me get started . I could buy her out but I don't think I want to live in the house full of her ghosts and I think it'll be best if I start fresh .

In my last session I could barely speak without falling apart and crying, I just couldn't stop .
My therapist told me something and suggested I need to remind myself of it often for now .

"Your relationship has changed because she can't love you the way you need to be loved anymore "
I've been trying to use it like a mantra when ever I break down and loose all my composure and randomly start crying which happens all too often the last few days . Grief bursts I think .

I'm such a mess a the moment

I’m sorry sadmanagain. Given what you have shared I think it’s better for your mental health to not have to live your life with someone who’s mental health prevents them from being an active caring partner.

It’s normal to need time to mourn this. However, in the long term it will give you a chance to heal and slowly regain your sense of self so maybe down the road you may meet someone you can actually do things with and enjoy your life again.

Checking in

Tomorrow I consult with my attorney and figure out how this goes forward. I am so dreading this as it makes this all too real.

I have so many conflicting feelings right now .

I hear that she knows she is damaged from her childhood trauma and I feel for her in this regard because I know it's real .

I know more then I wish about what she went through and it's amazing she's still alive .

When we first met she knew bad things had happened to her but almost all of it was suppressed. When a flashback opened that door about 10 years ago and as she has been trying to heal through her therapy it kept revealing more demons and she became more and more distant and damaged .
She claims this is all so she can focus on her mental health and try to fix herself and that it's unfair to me to have to carry her trauma and how I deserve to be with someone who isn't broken .

The way she says it is like she's doing me a favor except for the fact I've been there through all of this and I only want to be there for her . Isn't that what a good partner does ?

So to try heal herself she destroys me emotionally?? This is such a mindf*ck

On the money stuff she is offering a settlement that gives me a bigger share so I can more easily afford to start over...she wants no support or alimony and wants none of my assets . I realize this is not how this usually goes and we will end up in an uncontested divorce.

Perhaps I'm not able to appreciate this because to me the emotional hurt dwarfs any monetary aspects of this, at least in my mind currently.

She was/is my everything and I'm still very much in shock , im looking for another house as we speak because I have to . I need to survive this if for no other reason then to say she didn't actually destroy me but at the moment it's hard to care about anything. I'm forcing myself to eat, forcing myself to go to work when all I want to do is just decend into the darkness.

All I keep asking myself is Who am I ?
What value to I have ? What is my purpose in life ? Why should I bother with anything when the person I felt was like a part of me is casting me out . Not in a good place ATM .

Talking to my therapist tonight which is good .

I'm so sorry, sadmanagain.

My heart hurts reading your post.

I will be thinking about you and sending thoughts your way.

((((HUGS))))

From what you have shared sandman, she is really struggling and doesn’t see how she can have a normal relationship. Ptsd can get so crippling and confusing and it ruins relationships because of how intrusive it is. I can get so crippling a person withdraws and isolates themselves in an effort not to experience a crippling trigger that can take all day away and the person just learns they have to be patient until it passes.

This is not a rejection or that you are a failure. A person doesn’t choose to develop ptsd just as they did not choose to so badly abused and repeatedly traumatized.

I think your wife is actually considering your well being. When someone is suffering badly from ptsd they can’t tell anyone when they will heal. All someone suffering can do is focus on understanding and working on the crippling symptoms of the ptsd.

Thank you, appreciate the support.

This feels so much like a betrayal which makes me feel like I never really knew her at all .
If I didn't know her at all after 30 years together then I question everything I know about myself and my perception of others . Feeling really lost right about now.

That’s how it feels to the person struggling. They hate to hear “you are a survivor” because they relive it with the ptsd.

It sucks that my well being involves hurting me so badly .

Not sure if I understand the comparison, can you elaborate?

It’s bad enough that she experienced so much abuse. Something triggered her to start experiencing things from her past that cause es her to relive things in flashbacks both visual and emotional. Could be certain smells, certain environments and certain tones people present when they communicate.

It is just awful and cannget very debilitating.

I feel for her situation, I really do lots of compassion for her as I love her still .

At the same time ....What about me ? Who has compassion for me ?

Not my wife as she is the one hurting the very person who offers her the most compassion who cares more about her then anyone in the world.

Because of her PTSD that I did not cause , PTSD that popped out of her suppressed memories that did not exist during the first 20 years of our relationship .
Because of that almost everything in my life that meant anything to me is being taken from me . It's not right.

To try to fix her mental health she is delivering a just about fatal blow to mine? Sounds beyond selfish to me .
Something I would never do to her .

The feelings of me being a failure that go with it feels like they will haunt me forever.

I am so very hurt .

Oh sadman, it really isn't fair. You gave so much and deserve just as much in return- maybe more.

Take care of yourself if no one else will or can.

Sending you a big old cyber(((((hug))))

I’m sorry, unfortunately this mental health challenge causes a lot of damage to both the sufferer and those who love and care about them.

It’s still being studied in hopes to find medications that can reduce the crippling symptoms.