I Think I Learned Too Late:

I was a cop 20 years. Most days, you interacted with business owners, ranchers, citizens, motorists and it was generally positive.

Then there were the guys who beat kids to death with a ball bat. It was different everyday

I have been shot and stabbed, but it wasn't all bad.

You know, to be able to text me and tell me that she has no love for me, tells me that i doubt she ever really did

Feeling a little better...ate for the first time since Sunday

Most women consider love in terms of being safe. This means not having to deal with the uncertainty of shifting mood swings.

It’s not how much money or how sexually satisfying. It’s consistently respecting and maintaining a peaceful environment. Not invading the environment with angry outbursts.

For years my wife has talked about how love is meaningless and only security matters.

No matter what i feel, i now must understand that my role has only ever been to function as a financial tool.

Any love i received was simply to feed the workhorse

I'll get past this i think.

We talked this morning and agreeing to split was indeed the best decision.

I thanked her for finally being honest about staying with me only because of my income and i agreed to continue supporting her until this next big deal closes.

At that time, we will divide assests and go our separate ways

Today, i finally feel like i am able to breathe again.

Things must end, but we are in agreement.

We've maintained a legal separation for several years and i voluntarily gave up my legal claim to our marital home when we purchased it together. The home will continue to be her sole and separate property.

It's been years since any angry outbursts. Even my counselor was shocked at how i responded to the "i'm breaking up with you because i no longer love you, but i still need your income text."

I've come a long ways from where i once was.

At least she is being honest with you. It may be years since you had angry outbursts but that may have already been too late.

Personally, I think some men don’t realize that love can be destroyed if they expect a woman to mother them while they have their tantrums. I personally don’t think it’s fair to think that love was never there. That is expecting someone to give up all self respect while waiting for their partner to grow up.

I can appreciate your opinion. I may never know the answer to all of these questions, but i have had many questions answered.

The biggest killer of her love for me, according to her, was my obsession with my career as a working musician. I was gone a lot and emotionally unavailable, but that's what paid for the $150,000 backyard and bathroom upgrades, so i think my inability to balance career and a relationship is my biggest failing.

Ironically, i actually quit my job as a performer to spend more time with her, but by then, it was too late.

I will truly miss her, but i do not think we were meant to go any farther than this point.

We have both grown and evolved as individuals, but i had zero emotional tools available when i needed them. By the time i had developed personally, there was no saving it.

I told her this morning that i deeply love her and deeply regret that my behaviors resulted in the end of our relationship, but subsequently i also feel a sense of relief in that i have been set free from an impossible evaluation standard that i would have never been able to attain.

For three years, i lived without any physical intimacy, even kissing, but still needed to cuddle with her each night because that was something that she needed.

Ironically, i really do enjoy her company, we ask each other how our days went and i look forward to spending time with her. Even now.

We discussed this most recent business venture and estimate it will require 2-4 years to reach maturity. We will need to reside together until then.

Since everything in our life is governed by a long-standing legal separation agreement, EVERYTHING we do is based on honor and trust because there is nothing a court could do to influence these circumstances.

Interesting...

There's nothing a woman can do to me that can destroy my love for her, if i truly love her, which happens to be the case here, so i just cannot wrap my head around the premise that you are describing above.

That's just not how my psyche operates.

She told me this, "Remember when i had surgery and you carried me to the barhroom and back to bed and cleaned my surgical drains? Well, I've never forgotten that..."

So, i suppose i at least left some good memories???

But for me, I've had to realize something.

I must accept that my behavior was a "deal breaker" early in this relationship, but subsequently, her constantly telling me that i have to accept her non-negotiable demands was a always a requirement. No matter how much her words hurt (she is very blunt) or how unreasonable i felt she was being, i had no choice but to accept it, and she would tell me this without hesitation.

When we first met, the first two years were the best two years of my entire life. She and i both agree on this point. But neither of us had any responsibility except to each other.

She also told me yesterday "you are the best husband i ever had. You always worked, were not lazy and never hit me."

But, after the first two years, we started facing huge life challenges. I dove into my work to try and make the money we needed (my share, as she always worked too) but i wasn't able to adequately juggle being a husband and working too.

She felt alone, i felt like i had to work longer and harder and we simply lost each other along the way.

Back then, and under all that pressure, i got upset about simple things, like replacing a ceiling fan or mowing the yard. I complained a lot about my struggles at work, needing her to be my "sounding board," but not realizing that she was taking this as a negative energy event.

In summary, when i desperately needed to tell her about my bad day, the negative energy from her listening was killing her.

It was a no-win situation.

Ending a relationship is not easy. It sounds like your wife got left alone a lot. Also you both grew and changed and that does happen.

Yes, that's true, but since i am being evaluated or "graded" over past behavior and not present, i am totally convinced that there was no possible outcome other than ending our relationship, because three years ago, i couldn't react to situations like i do now.

Since she refuses to evaluate me on my present emotional capabilities, then i have no regrets, because i subsequently cannot change our future if i am not given the opportunity to do so.

Its sad. I wish there was an alternate ending.

But, look what we accomplished!

A huge home paid off in only 7 years.

Major remodels

All cars paid for.

Less than $5,000 total credit card debt

Lots of acerage property owned outright.

Go ahead and hate the time i invested in my job, but without that massive, cash income, none of this would have been possible....

I guess your wife is judging from where she is at now and not so much where you are at. That tends to happen at the ages you both are at.

I think so. She told me today that she felt that our marriage of 8 years was "totally finished" about 4 years ago, but she didn't know how to end it and couldn't afford to survive on just her own income. So, we stayed together and kept working towards our mutual goals.

I knew something was wrong, but didn't know how to fix me. Eventually, i had a spiritual awakening and was gifted with this incredible awareness of myself and my surroundings. I started going to therapy and things really started improving for us.

However, according to her, by this time she was just exhausted and was "over it," so we never really got the opportunity to enjoy the improvements.

She told me today that she believes we fulfilled a "soul contract" to learn from each other and that once the contract was fulfilled, it was time for us to move on.

We are both in so much better places now than when we met. In 2014, we were both broke and living with friends/relatives. Today, we've achieved incredible goals together.

However, looking back, there were things that just didn't "feel right" between us. She never really loved physical intimacy - she tolerated it. She blames this on a hysterectomy, which is probably a very good possibility. But, nonetheless, i found myself constantly settling in every aspect of my married life and being told it was "her way or the highway," which this tough, little thing used to say often.

We were meant to be together only for a season. I see that now and i am understanding that this is an evolutionary process.

We met, we grew together, we grew apart and now we are moving forward, as separate individuals.

I was devastated when she sent me the cold, heartless breakup text, but now, i understand it.

We have now both prepared each other for the next journey of life.

Things i have learned from this:

Never compromise your feelings and beliefs for anyone else, no matter how much they tell you that you owe it to them.

If they hate or feel threatened by something you love, walk away from them.

When a relationship becomes a one-way street, or a "my way or the highway" affair, walk away.

If someone is not wildly attracted to you, keep them in your life as a friend, but don't get romantically involved with someone who may only see you as friendship material. (I've done it)

Dating or marrying people with drastically different ethnic and educational backgrounds/beliefs is a receipe for disaster.

Ive now done this twice

Be honest with YOU. So many times, i changed what i wanted to better fit my partner's goals/desires. I only cheated myself.

Beware of Hypergamy. Never reveal exactly what you do when you first meet someone. I work for a law firm, but im also a musician. I never tell anyone i am anything other than a musician, male or female - instant filter.

Never remain silent when something eats at you or doesn't feel right. I spent 8 years feeling like this and its not worth it, no matter if the girl is perfect in appearance.

If you can't find a woman who checks ALL the boxes, don't settle. Just stay single. I know so many people who seem to feel obligated to marry, so they find the best average.

My wife was, to me, a perfect 10. I couldn't find fault with her physically. Emotionally, we didn't match up and we just had very profound differences that made our life a challenge.

Be honest with yourself about what you need.

Don't wait to go to counseling

Getting stronger.

Excited to see what the next chapter holds for me...

In post # 45 you seemed to have finally learned a lot !

( Btw : when I refer to " women " here I say it in general OR personal terms. )

NEVER give yourself up totally to anyone. You stopped growing a long time ago because all you cared about was her.
There's a lot I'd like to say but I just want to mention the main points that stand out to me , ( based on personal experience).

1. Women will cut you off from sex usually because they found someone else more interesting , OR , they go thru hormonal changes after a certain age and/or physical changes due to surgeries etc..
( btw: If you lost certain hormones , you , even as a man , wouldn't give 2 sh*** about sex. )

Women tend to think of men as "children" as they feel they have to be your " mommy " as well as your wife in certain circumstances.

NEVER trust a woman to take care of YOUR finances as you'll wind up paying for your own divorce.

Once she doesn't need your " protection " anymore or becomes financially independent you are disposable.

There's just one more thing I want to say , for now , and that is I get the feeling that you care too much about " the other person ".
In turn , neglecting your own personal growth.

We picked fruit from our garden together last night. It was fun. I have always been able to make her laugh, and still do regularly. We worked on one of her websites together, which was also fun.

She commented last night on how ironic it was that we are forced to stay with each other right now because of the financial situation.

She feels like our relationship was the product of a "soul contract" and we we're brought together to teach each other things about our inner selves, and now that we have both completed that training, there's no further need for us to ge together.

I'm not much of a mystic, but i can accept her position on this.

Interesting points and i appreciate you posting to my "journal."

Fortunately, for us both, everything is protected by a long-standing legal separation. We both have all our own assets and we are choosing to stay together at present to allow time for one very large deal to close. We will divide assests after that deal matures.

I'm still learning.

One thing i learned is love for me cannot be "killed" by the other person's actions.

Well I think there’s a lot of stereotyping here which is perhaps outdated. Plenty of women successfully take care of finances, don’t need a man protect them, not only are independent but are often bread winners..

Now are there women who are fully dependent on men for no good reason-no young children at home etc? Yes, absolutely. Are there women who use men as financial tool and work horse. Yes, of course.

I think the trick is to not settle with such women. I don’t think the message should be “that is how women are”. Then men pretty much doomed. It’s just not the case. Just choose wisely