I Think I Learned Too Late:

I just need some to hear me. I feel so invisible and the pain that im feeling is almost unbearable. Before i can jump.into what's happening right now, i feel its important to tell you about my history, behaviors and things i have done to contribute to these situations.

I grew up an only child and im now 57 years old. Over the years, i developed a kind of "inflated ego" to cope with my constant feelings of unworthiness. I've always had a quick temper, but get over it fast and i have never been physically abusive to anyone. I have some narcissistic traits of craving/needing approval, but I'm also terribly shy. I was described as ADHD as a child, even though it wasn't widely known in the 1960's.

I never dated as a ypung person in highschool because ofy involvement in auto racing. I never asked a woman out on a date. Instead, i preferred to see who showed interest in me first, to avoid awkward situations.

I was married at 19 (got my GF pregnant) and she left me with a 2 year old after an affair with her boss. I did not date anyone for 5 years after that. I met someone a few years later and we started dating. We got along ok, so we moved in together.

Around this time i enrolled in the police academy and became a police officer, which i did for a total of 20 years. I would also serve 6 years as a U.S. Navy Reservist.

She put a lot of pressure on me for us to get married, so i thought, ok, why not? We were married in 1992 and the week after we married, she quit her job and never worked again. I struggled with two jobs to try and make ends meet. The pressure was immense and after 13 years, i just couldn't take it anymore.

Foolishly and after years of no physical intimacy, a woman 15 years younger than me showed some interest in me and we began talking. A relationship developed and we were together for 10 years. I supported here while she attended colleg. The first 2 years were ok, but she soon became very controlling and manipulative and the relationship deteriorated. She would also become enraged and become physically abusive, then not remember it.

One night, i secretly recorded video of one of her explosive rages, when she literally destroyed our home. This paid off. When the police arrived to arrest me for domestic violence, i showed them the video and a non-prosecution report was taken. After 10 years, i left, but helped maintain a home for her and our son for 8 months. This divorce totally broke me financially and i literally ended up living on a male friend's sofa, trying to rebuild myself in 2012.

After some time, about 2 years later, i met a truly wonderful woman, totally by accident. She was kind, liked my poetry and i fell in love for the very first time in my life. She was physically my perfect woman and checked all the emotional boxes.

We married and it was the first and only time i asked someone to marry me. Every other time it was because it was "the right thing to do." Getting married to her was the most exciting event of my life.

We rented a tiny home up in the mountains and our life was perfect. Those first two years were the best years of my entire life. When i married my wife, i gave away a part of me i had never given away before and because of this, i was about to cause myself unimaginable suffering.

With my wife in charge of our finances, and both of us working, in only 3 years were were moving into our own home. At almost the same instant, we found ourselves helping out her adult son get back on his feet and we got custody of two children (one of mine and one of hers) from Child Protective Services, after they had both been abused.

Things got stressful and i just wasn't able to handle it properly. We started having severe behavioral issues with my 8 year old son from a previous marriage. He got kicked out of school for violent behavior, and would eventually spend time in a boot camp for trouble youths and in mental health residency programs. When he was 10, he physically attacked my wife and i was forced to allow him to return to his mother.

I'll stop the timeline for a moment now at November 2018

Looking back now, i see where i had worked outside the home so much that i had no parenting skills. I didn't see this at first, and i would blame my wife for my inadequacies.

I would get upset when she would ask me to do things around the house that were outside my skillset and i felt that watching a YouTube video on how to do something meant i was an operational failure as a man, husband and provider.

I was absolutely convinced that all of this was not my fault, but in reality it was. I was totally blinded to this fact.

About this time, my wife was going through spiritual awakening. I didn't understand it, but i supported her and i kinda tried to follow along.

In October of 2022, we stopped making love and my wife said that even though i always made her climax the focal point of every encounter, the emotional pain could no longer be offset by the orgasm. This really threw me for a loop, because i had lived years without sex in two marriages. My worst fear were again becomming a reality and i still didn't understand why.

For a while, like always, i didn't accept responsibility for my actions and how they were affecting my wife. My wife had become very empathic, and my inability to understand and assume responsibility for my actions was killing her spirit with negative energy.

We used to go on walks and i would ask her questions about why she felt a certain way or why things happened a certain way and all she would say is, "if you can just hang on until March, things will be ok." I though that was such a strange answer.

Finally, on March 01, 2023, i had what i can only describe as my eyes being opened. I suddenly saw everything i had ever done and blamed someone else for. I became physically sick. I was totally broken emotionally. I immediately sought counseling which i had previously rejected.

Things started to improve for us dramatically. I became calmer, more at ease with life, i became ok with things i had to watch a YouTube video to accomplish, i made headway with my counselor on taking responsibility for these negative traits and learning positive coping skills.

My wife and i have always got along well, still sleep together and still cuddle, but we ate not sexually intimate. We wat h movies, go hiking and really enjoy each others company.

A few days ago, we were working together in the house and i asked here this question. "Honey, do you think we will ever be close like we were before and not just two people combining their incomes?"

She said something i can't recall exactly, but it was something along the lines of time will continue to heal and the process takes time.

This past Sunday, while driving up to visit my elderly parent's, i got a text from my wife. It read, "i have searched my heart and soul and there is no love connection left in this for us. We are only together for the two incomes. I realized that this morning. Sorry but I want to be honest with you and with me."

I was crushed...literally, i felt pain that i had never felt before.

I pulled over and reied, "Wow. I'm speechless. I know you've been through a lot. I'm sorry too. I love you."

I didn't contact her again until i got home the next day. Everything was great as usual, she greeted me, we hung out, watched TV, made t-shirts and it was a very enjoyable time.

We eventually had a conversation. She told me that it was wrong for me not to be able to enjoy a sexual relationship and she immediately released me from my vows so i could be free to find someone to enjoy physical intimacy with.

I was shocked. Abd i told her, "I'm in love with you and i can't turn that off and i don't want other people. I want us. I've been a pain in the ***, but I'm loyal."

She acknowledged that, but said our only real option is to continue combining incomes until we can settle some business ventures. She also agreed that she wanted to keep me on her mefical for as long as i wanted and se offered to give me part of an upcoming legal settlement, even though we've had a legal separation in place for years to protect her assests.

I agreed and we enjoyed the rest of our evening.

Last night before bed, i told her this, "Honey, i love you and i know I'm not fully healed, but I'm willing and I'll keep changing. I hope i can make this time we are together so great that you'll want to keep us together."

She answered, "I'm just not sure you can re-awaken my heart."

So, here i am, doing my best to function at work, an wondering what the furure holds.