I Think I Learned Too Late:

Your wife is going to be bad mouthing you to family and friends before she's done. She knows good and well that people will inevitably make judgements about who let who down . . . and she wants to come out smelling like a rose, as the person who was hurt and betrayed. That's why she's so eager to see you involved with another woman. She'll try to turn the kids against you and even influence your own parents. Tell her nothing about who you meet or talk to.

Do not get pushed out of that house to please her. You need a roof over your head too. She's going to needle you to the point where you go renting an apartment. Then she'll tell everyone that you left her to lead a playboy life. Then she'll happily have that nice house all to herself. She may plan on living there a lot longer than you think. She was going to move east? That's the story she told you. You have no idea what she's going to do.

This woman will make you crazy, if you let her. She may actually have no plans of going anywhere. She may want you to stay with her, contributing your income to the home, but living there as a housemate. If she can get evidence of you going off with another woman, she'll play the role of the martyr. Her mind is cooking up stuff that you have no idea about. And she's not going to tell you. Meanwhile she wants you spilling your guts out to her. Anything you tell her, she'll use against you. This is one tricky woman. She's throwing you crumbs, by saying she still has feelings, because she knows you still care for her. Don't get took in.

Maybe you saw a lawyer back when she and you set up these contracts of separation. Maybe they're valid, and maybe they're full of legal holes and won't stand up. Get to an attorney and bring your "contract" and see what rights you may still have that you thought you signed away. I doubt that your wife has any intention of "living off the grid." All this drama that she's generating has more to do with MONEY than you have any idea. Don't get left high and dry. It's great that you have a good income, but face reality. You are not a kid. For you to have to start from scratch is setting you up for a miserable set of golden years. Don't be a fool. Salvage what you can of what you've invested in your joint wealth. She's the one baling out.

Clearly, this marriage is over . . . and has been over for quite a while. She has strung you along for the past 4 years to maintain the household income. That's a real crummy thing to do. Maybe she was waiting for her two kids to reach a certain age. Basically, she was looking out for her own best interests. Time for you to do the same. BTW - you need a will that reflects that this marriage is ended. You need a POA that allows someone to make decisions for you tomorrow, if a motor vehicle accident puts you in a coma. It should not be her. Check your insurance policies. You may need to change the beneficiary designation. It may be time to sit down with your parents and explain a few things, IF they are trustworthy. Their job is to love and support YOU.

Stop hoping for what will never be, and stop letting this woman play with your head. The sooner you can get away from her, the better . . . but do it with an attorney's advice, so you safeguard your interests. You still have more living to do, but you don't have a lot of time to waste. Best of luck to you. (Make your own luck.)

+1

Also, she does not value you when she has you, but when she thinks that there is a threat that the toy she does not value might be taken away, and/or might be valued by someone else who will have it, then she feels quite bad.

or an estate plan, but to start with, write a new will. A handwritten (fully handwritten, nothing typed up) will is valid in California even if not countersigned by witnesses, but better yet, get two witnesses. The new will will supersede any old ones. Make sure no money at all will go to your wife in case a car hits you tomorrow.

There's a saying: "People will tell you who they are. Believe them when they do."

Though I've been critiquing your wife as deceitful (which she is), she actually forewarned you . . . more than once . . . and in multiple ways. Look at what you wrote above. You glossed over things like that because you were in love. I'm able to look objectively at the narrative you present because I'm not emotionally involved. You can't switch off your feelings, but you do need to start thinking with your head.

Recognize that she is focused on her material security. She has been for a long time . . . as she flat-out told you. Believe her!

A contract was drawn up years ago "to protect HER assets?" That's interesting. (I got that out of one of your posts above.) What remains between the two of you now is strictly business. She has been - and is - focused like a laser on her material wellbeing going forward. That's what you need to understand. This is not about you having destroyed her spirit with your "low vibrations" and "negative energy." Please don't drink that kool aid.

Your wife and you each have biological children. Which of them do you think she cares most about? (She wants to be a great grandma.) You were good to her kids. But, when your troubled 8 year old needed care, she wasn't too invested. Supposedly, she got assaulted, and the child had to be sent away. I bet there's more to that story than meets the eye.

You don't want the kids and your folks to think badly of her. What they think is not for you to control. I endorse your decision to not run her down. (Even though she'ld gladly put you down to them - like she said about the GPS tracking.) When it's appropriate, give your family factual information. They will formulate their own conclusions. That is not your concern. The main fact is that she wants to end the marriage. You don't have to elaborate on that to anyone.

You still have responsibilities toward your own children, though they are grown. They are still yours. Invest in your relationship with them, if you are not estranged from them. Stay friendly with her kids, if that remains feasible, but allow a certain space and distance, so everyone has breathing room while things are in transition.

I wrote our legal separation personally, and in it, we both gave up our rights to spousal support. The purpose of the legal separation was because of my large, unreported cash income, and my ex-wife's tendency to try and go after my current wife’s salary for child support under a California statute that allows such a thing.

We have no children together. My youngest is 15 and lives with his mom now.

Good points.

I get along well with my kids and hers too.

Tonight, i had a very calm conversation with her about our life. In that conversation, i honored her for everything she did for me, and for us.

She has provided full, zero-cost, medical, dental and vision for my youngest son and i, she helped me rebuild my credit after a very bitter and costly divorce and she has supported me.

I told her, "You know, I'm close to a law degree. I acknowledge the past and i take ownership of my shortcomings, but, in all candor, i feel like you have also earned a part of this job and im offering this future to you."

She answered, "When i met you, i didn't know you were a musician. It was only after we married that you brought out a guitar and started playing at the house, and it was only then that you told me you had been a musician since you were 15, and showed me all these pictures of you playing in bands. You lied to me by hiding your past. You wouldn't be happy without music in your life. You are a born performer. You gave it up for two years to try and save our marriage, but it hurt you inside. Its in your soul.

When we met, you were the perfect husband, but you worked at it. This wasn't natural for you."

I said, "Do you remember the $155,000 backyard remodel, and the two bathrooms we totally renovated for $33,000? That was money from working in music. Do you remember that?"

She answered, "Yes, I remember. Had i have known you were a musician, it would have been a deal-breaker."

I should have time to file the divorce tomorrow.

I know i think more with the mind than with the heart, but i wanted to really analyze all the data, read all of your input and be really certain that i wasn't missing anything because i was so hurt or emotional.

I also decided something today going forward.

Love is not the most important thing to me. We place such emphasis on love. Its wonderful, but its also highly unstable.

I'd rather be with someone who is attracted to me to some extent, but who also respects me. Id wager that love would develop under those conditions.

When i was talking to this woman, she commented on my car while getting into it, "2006 Mustang. Flawless. Super clean inside and out. That tells me a lot about you as a potential partner."

Likewise, her Mercedes was a sensible SUV, not the higher-end model, but clean and well kept. That told me a lot about her and her profession.

She made me feel better about myself and she noticed so many things that i had not even noticed about myself.

My standards have changed.

I need people in my life i can trust. Not someone who will call at 3am to get bailed out of jail.

I'm looking for a companion that i can take to a black tie dinner and not worry about her throwing up in the punchbowl or groping men.

I'd rather engage in a personal business relationship with a partner who has these qualities, combine resources, and see what we could build, far more than looking for a love connection up front.

I was hesitant to leave this, because i gave my word to be a faithful husband and my word means a lot to me, but i think I've done all i can do at this point.

Stay away from groupies that party and drink. Don’t get in a relationship with a woman that drinks and gets high etc.

Ive been a musician since 1980 - i was 15, playing in a bar band for $125.00 a week.

I've never banged a party girl. I was always focused on performing.

So your wife states she would have rejected you had she known you were a musician?

There is nothing wrong with having a passion
For music and playing an instrument and performing. Even now she feels threatened learning you have decided to engage your passion again?

It’s not as though you drink and do drugs or cheat on her with groupies and drunk lose women.

This is about her need for control and jealousy.

Divorce filed.

A very emotional day

A lot of people learn the hard way that choosing a parter based on our own needs and feelings can turn into a huge disappointment. This gives a partner power they may not deserve or are worthy of.

It’s actually a mistake to be “in love with love”. When people go down this road they end up hurt because it keeps them from hearing what a partner is saying to them

Any future partner will be chosen based on business compatibility, common interests and goals, and some chemistry.

But if i had to choose, I'd rather be with someone who found me reasonably attractive, but respected me, then see what develops.

Your wife knows your attractive and she knows women will be attracted to you. Yet she is not interested other than having control of you.

You see that right?

I have to say, i didn't see that until Saturday when i met and connected with this woman. She made me feel that I'm ok in every way and it changed my opinion of myself.

I've never felt this lind of loss. Its tough to deal with.

Feeling a little better today. My wife is experiencing one of her common episodes where her emotional stress manifests itself in physical pain, so she is off work today.

She softened a little yesterday in our conversations. As long as i have known her, she has said crying is a sign of weakness and she would get upset with me if i cried. Ive seen her cry three times in 10 years. The past 3 days, she has cried non-stop.

She cannot seem to get past our past.

She said that she does not believe that i was as deeply in love with her when we married as she was with me. I told her - truthfully - that i was very skeptical and guarded with my heart due to a bitter divorce, so i held back a lot out of fear.

She's totally fixated on that because she says she loved me "all the way" without hesitation or reservations.

I asked her last night if me living in this house was hurting her.

She replied, "this is as much your home as it is mine. We both sacraficed for this. You have as much right to be here as i do. You have to search your heart abd do what the Holy Spirit tells you."

I told her that since we have the divorce filed now, lets just enjoy our evenings together (as peaceful cohabitants) and garden together, etc., but im not sure she can let go of the past long enough to enjoy the present.

Its a very sad situation.