[whiteycm]

Don't know how to start this, I don't feel comfortable talking about this with friends or family, so maybe I feel more comfortable getting the opinion of unbiased strangers...

Will try not to write a novel, but I was in a relationship for three years that ended in february. My first real girlfriend you could say, I had just lost abunch of weight and got a girl, it was refreshing... I literally put everything I had into the relationship, I grew up in a loving family so I put that love on to her and did almost anything and everything... Vacations, Hospital Visits, Restaurants, Road Trips, did almost anything she asked and never thought twice about it. Gifts for every holiday or occaion, wrote her love letters, I really put it on top shelf, she had sex issues in general from an ex, so I took her to a therapist and worked out it out the best I could. I was getting paid $10 bucks an hour and paying weekly 100 doctor visits for that. She would often get ill because she was a hypercondriac and had a sensitive stomach and I spent constant hours with her in the ER... But I had one issue with her I didn't trust her, I would find her text messaging guys, found her talking to guys or whatever on her mypace, she would go with her friends to hang out with dudes and not tell me about it, she'd give out her phone number... I really felt like I let her walk all over me. She was messed up though, she came up from a bad upbringing, family deaths, abuse, etc, just in general not a good upbringing or good past experiences with men. I did EVERYTHING I could to prove otherwise... She does take anti depressant pills etc,.

Then I'm at work one day she calls me and says she wants to break up with me. We go on and I am upset, about a week later she told me that while she was on a business trip (while we were still together a month earlier) she got drunk and went into a hotel room with a guy. She says she just made out with him and that was it but felt guilty and wanted to break up... I also found out later the night before she broke up with me she was at a friends house and got drunk and a guy performed oral on her... She banged him a week later. If you knew the struggles I went through with her sex issues, then she bangs a random loser, it literally killed me to hear that.

Coming from my upbringing in a very close family, me being very close to her, this was especially truamatizing to me. I did the things I suppost to do, I lost some weight and toned up, I went out a lot, I had a few girls of my own, went to europe... Blah blah blah... But still i'm very very hurt from this and upset and always ask myself why did this have to happen?

Anyways, time did start to heal the wounds and was starting to feel good, about a month ago she starts texting me again. Admitting how badly she screwed up, how she is seeing a therapist to deal with her issues, how she wants me back and will be honest and true this time around... I had seen her a couple of times trying to feel things out and see what she's like, she seems genuine but you never know... I am really torn about this, it's killing me, i'm just hurt and f'd up as hell from her and what she did to me but I do miss her and we did have fun times together. I know the initial reaction is no as i'm sure most people will say, but I just want to hear an opinion, some advice, I don't know... I just don't wanna get hurt again,

She told me she stopped taking her pills when she cheated, and was surrounded by bad people and bad influences, blamed booze as well... She says she's removed those thigsn from her life... Says she's changed. I am literally torn and don't know what to do, I believe she is genuine in what she says, but I don't know if I can get over what happened...

Anything, anyone?

[shezbut]

Hi whiteycm,

Don't trust her. First love is always painful in the end. The inexperienced and hopeful side of yourself is willing to give more chances than the part of you who has been down this block before. Unfortunately, it is so painful. I remember!

The important lesson for you to learn is that not all women behave that way. Perhaps your ex has worked upon her issues, and bettered herself. I hope so, for her sake . But it really would be a BIG mistake for both you and her to become involved again. You need to let go, in order to get past the pain and tendencies.

Best wishes to you both - take care

Shez

[bonaire]

I dated a girl like that back "in the day" (80s). It was maybe 3-4 months total, though. She was "fun" but had some health issues and lots of friends who would all get themselves in trouble from time to time.

Like the prior reply says - don't trust her. You have to understand that putting yourself so into relationships isn't fair ... to you. You have to let your mates earn your trust. She sounds like she never did but in fact used you for money and other things. Sounds like she may have lost her bf at the time and started texting you and maybe others to try to establish the next guy in line.

You don't want to get hurt? How about thinking that someday, you guys would have children. What kind of life would they have to endure as well? So, you have to actually think of your "future" self when choosing a mate - not just what it's like to be with her day to day.

I would say - you can use this as a learning experience but I would strongly warn you against continuing with her. This is a big planet and you will find a life-mate out there somewhere. You do have to hang around in places where people who you want to meet are. This may include Church (and partcipating in church group stuff), school (you in college?) or other hobbies which are healthy and hopeful.

There are a lot of people who will have a hard time with life - so be kind to yourself and let life be kind to you back. Consider your options with a clear mind and don't let familiarity "rule" you.

[lynn P.]

Hi,
I'm sorry you were hurt so badly. I think it would be a huge mistake getting back together. It sounds like you gave alot in that relationship and recieved greif. Once a cheater always a cheater. Sounds like she's making a bunch of excuses. You need time to heal and hopefully you'll find a nice loyal woman. best of luck.