[Sherina610]

I've been married for 6 years. 6 years where I had to bear my husband's violence, control, sarcasm, humiliation and many, many forms of manipulation.
By the six's year I decided to move out and he followed me to apologize and beg me to give him one last chance.
I've never seen him so weak, all the family made me feel like a cruel person for ignoring his tears and, due to my extra sensitivity (%#@&#! that!) I came back!
And I can't believe I did! Now, he is peaceful, calm, faking smiles all day long and trying to be a better person. Of course he has ups and downs but he is not as violent as he was before.
The thing is that I fell out of love from the moment I walked out the door. When I came back, I couldn't find it again.
I just can't love him again, he could be a friend, a co worker, anything but not my husband. I can't hate having sex with him and I am sick of faking everything in my life.
for 6 years I've been faking smiles, reactions, actions, emotions and everything till I lost myself and forgot who i was and what I am supposed to feel if that was the real me dealing with any situation.
Now, I am just tired of faking and I want to get out. I just don't have a way to tell him except by hurting him and saying it in his face "I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE" and not give a %#@&#! about his effort to become a better person. Being in this house kills me every day.
I can't find the strength to be honest with him, nore the will to keep the show going on.
What do I do?!

[agony007]

sherina,

first of all welcome to pc! i hope that you like it here. i have found much comfort here. i understand your dilema because i was in a similar situation myself. you can't go on faking, you have to find the strength to be honest with him. it's actually worse to lie and be in a relationship that you are not happy in. you have to put yourself FIRST. you deserve to be happy. and obviously being with him is not where your happiness lies at this point. at the end of the day it doesn't matter what your family thinks because they don't have to live with him and put up with him. i hate when family gets involved and turns things around to make us feel like the villian. you don't owe them an explanation. you are a grown woman and are entitled to make your own decisions, without being judged for them. i wish you the best of luck with this, i know how hard it is to make that decision and actually go through with it.

-agony

[Sherina610]

Thank you so much, I really worry too much about what people might think, then i let them decide for me and feel like a muppet with strings! Till now I don't know what to do, I made up my mind but pulling the trigger is taking me eternity!
Sometimes I wish he would just hurt me one more time to find my easy out without needing to explain to the family what happened but then I realize that this makes me nothing more than a scared loser, waiting for time to fix my problems while I know that time won't do me any good if I don't start taking actions. I am just so scared.
Thanks again for your support though, it means a lot to feel understood and not judged by others.

[bebop]

for me when I felt nothing more and I got really sick and tired of it all it was easy to walk away. didn't cry at all til the day the divorce was final. I got sick and tired of being a punching bag and sex machine.
I am sorry you are going thru this. is there someone you can move in with for a period of time?

[Sherina610]

I can always find a place to stay when I move out, I am just scared and worried about my children. I know that when they grow up, their dad's family will tell them bad and wrong things about me.
I am sure that I won't be able to provide all the luxury of their father and what scares me the most is the unknown future, how will they blame me when they grow up? How harsh is it going to be? Will they hate me?
Especially that their father is trying to improve now and I know quite well that he is acting, that this is not the real him! The real problem is that my heart is shut and I really can't open up to him anymore, today I regret going back to him just because I felt bad when I saw his tears of regret when I left.
I wish I never met him again, I wish I never came back, it is even harder to walk out now... Do i have to give reasons for that if I do?
Do I have to prove anything to my or his family? Can't I just go? I wish I could vanish...

[agony007]

no you don't have to explain anything to either one of the families. not your side and not his. it is your decision. it not only affects you but your children. i personally believe that it is worse for the children to stay in an unhappy relationship because children are very perseptive and they can pick up the negative vibes in the home. so what if you can't provide the luxuries that their father can afford. what you are responsible for providing them with is unconditional love and understanding. material things do not make up for their emotional needs. you need and deserve to be happy as well. hope everything works out for you. please don't vanish, just try to sort things out the best way you can and whatever is feasible for you to do at this time.

[sabby]

((((((((((( Sherina ))))))))))))

I understand your questions....I think all good moms would wonder the same thing. Here is what I learned from my experience:

1. As long as you show love to your children and do not talk their father down to them, they will see with their own eyes the truths. They won't need you to explain.

2. Giving of yourself to your children will mean so much more than giving of things. Things can be replaced, a mother's love cannot.

3. Safety and peace is more important than togetherness/chaos. If you need to move away from the H and the chaos in order to achieve safety and peace, then you are doing the right thing for you and your children.

4. Keep adult problems away from children's ears. They hear when we don't think they hear...they see what we don't think they could see. They have no ability to understand adult issues, it only confuses them and gives them false ideas.

I wish you well.....and hope that things work out well for you and your children.


sabby

[(JD)]

I'm sorry to say that unless he is in therapy that helped him change, it probably won't last. Now is a good time to prepare to leave on your own time. Contact Women in Distress and use their resources as to how to do this safely. You need to have your own credit, and not be on his, have private information secured, and a place to go etc. They can help with all the information.

You can begin planning this now, and should he really have changed, you might not want to use it. If you want to give the marriage a new try, then you could begin by "dating" again, and beginning again...working to get to know him now, and maybe fall back in love with him. If he wants it only on his terms and doesn't cooperate or reciprocate your efforts, then you have your answer.

Be well.

[onlygameintown]

get out;formulate a plan;figure out what you need to do in order to get out.Then do it or get help to do it.

[Jaydenwolf]

Typically people tell you that you have to live with your mistakes.

I say, forget that. Life is TOO SHORT to be miserable when you have the power to change that.
Leave.
Find happiness.

Find something that is REAL to you!

[Rosie7]

In one way I'm happy not to have that man touch me again, but in another way I am sick over what this has done to my boys. They are 15 and 16 now. I left when they were about 7 and 8. Now my 16 year old left me because he wants to live with his day. His dad is a Psychiatrist. I have to deal with hearing my son say he hates me everyday. Last year he wanted nothing to do with his dad. I've had him in therapy and now he's seeing a neurologist. I tell my son on the daily basis that I love him. He never returns the sentiment. I cry day in and day out. My ex told me yesterday that he is going to make my life a living hell and this divorce was over 6 years ago. He's very vengeful and uses my children as pawns in his sick little games. There's not much I can do. I do have residential custody but being teens they didn't want to leave their school so we are stuck with this creature. Think about every angle. Be very quiet and cunning whenyou are making your plans. These ex's go psycho.

[sunrise]

Please talk to a lawyer before you move out of the house. If a parent leaves the family residence, it is sometimes used against them in court to show they abandoned the family. This could hurt you in your custody negotiations. It sounds like your H is being civil right now. Use this time to find a lawyer and get your ducks in a row before making any drastic moves that could influence your divorce settlement. This is especially important since you say you do not make as much money as your H. Is there another bedroom in the house you can move into? At least then you won't have to share a room with him. If you feel you or your kids are in danger, then of course what I wrote isn't good advice. In that case, you need to get out of their immediately.

I am just scared and worried about my children. I know that when they grow up, their dad's family will tell them bad and wrong things about me.

Try your best to have an amicable divorce, get your H on your side in putting the kids first, and he can set the tone with his family about what is off limits for them to say to your kids. It's not impossible to do this. It's worth a try, don't you think? Kids first. Kids first. Kids first. Try to get him to see that. If that's not possible, so be it, but at least you gave it a try.

how will they blame me when they grow up? How harsh is it going to be? Will they hate me?

With your H's assistance, they need not blame either of you. Try to get your stories straight with your H so that both of you tell them the marriage was no longer working, etc., so that is why you split up. Avoid placing blame on either parent.

Do I have to prove anything to my or his family? Can't I just go?

No, you don't have to prove anything to the families. But I do think you should give your H an explanation on why you want out of the marriage. It can be brief. No, you just can't go, because you have kids.

Here is a book I highly recommend. Get a copy for you and one for your H.
Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for your Child

Another link in case you're interested:
International Academy of Collaborative Professionals

Best of luck. Feel free to PM me. I am at the tail end of a divorce. It can be done!

[addiedewiitt]

Going through divorce with children is not easy...You have to say to yourself that it's better now than when your children are older. They will adapt much better... You don't have to worry about what his family say.....as long as you're there for your children, and don't say anything bad about their dad and his family.At the end they will know who was right.

[Dizzyone]

Oh boy, I understand the dilemma, I am where you are headed. It's tough but getting out was the only way to go. I had to actually have my ex incarcerated to get away. I remember all too well the fake nice he put on to get his foot back in the door, it NEVER lasted. I also found that the longer he wore that "nice" mask, the worse it was when he inevitably lost it. Please, if this man is violent, be very careful. Have all your ducks in a row before you make a move, however, MAKE THE MOVE, and do it as soon as you can, don't wait till it's too late, don't become a statistic. You have no way of predicting your kids future when you leave, unfortunately you have a pretty good judge of knowing who they will become if you stay. Girls will ALMOST certainly wind up with an abuser, and boys have a big chance of becoming one. As their mother, you must do what you believe is in their best interest, is growing up with a man like that really in their best interest?. Tell "them" that when people are arrogant enough to question your decision!. The VERY best of luck to you. I hope you are already long gone from this situation..........

[brephi]

Sherina, I want to welcome you the PC. I am also a new member, like yourself. I see you have been unhappy for almost the entire 6-year marriage. It's time to do something for yourself and your children. If you are unhappy, your children are also unhappy seeing you that way. Children are smarter and more observant than we give them credit for.

[youOme]

I wasted 6 years of my life on ******** too....I recommend leaving if your truly unhappy because life is to short to waste. It sounds as though you despise the man. If you can't do it, then don't. It's easy to fake for awhile, but eventually his true colors he had once revealed to you before will return, it always happens that way....GET OUT.

[lulu59]

Hi ,
If you don't mind me asking how long has he been on good behavior ?
The nature of the beast is that behavior is embedded in him and that person he was , will probably return. I am speaking from my own relationship .I do know how it makes you feel all of a sudden you are numb to him and you just really don't love him anymore. Believe me get out while you can I am still stuck in mine and after 23 yrs. am having larger problems now then just the verbal abuse. I am sure though he is sorry for his behavior but how long will it last ?

[MsGie]

Sherina610, I am going through a similar situation. I have been married for 13 years and I have finally said "This is it". My husband and I have had this kind of conversation before but it always ended with me staying for the sake of my boys but they are teenagers now and will understand. However, for your situation, you will have to say "it's over" for the last time and move out into your own place, not with family. You need the space to find yourself again. I have not loved my husband the way a woman should love her husband in over, well forever. I do not know how old you are but we are not getting any younger and life will continue to pass us by if we do not wake up and start moving with it. I do not make enough money to live on away from him but I am arranging my finances now so that I will be able to continue going to school online and be able to support me and my boys. I wish you great courage and strength to do what your heart says and makes you happy.

MsGie

[BrokenSoul1]

This thread is created great distress to me. I understand and feel so much of what you have all said...... except that my husband is not mean to me in any way. He provided, is a good husband and father BUT I just do not love him the way a woman should love her husband.

That makes me a monster...... why can't I make myself love him? At least for the children.

Isn't this the choice I made to marry him and have children. I made my bed and need to lie in it.

These are the cards I was dealt and I need to play them.

Honestly, whos to say that I would be any happier if I left? I think it is the knowing that he is good to me and not being able to fully fake it that is killing me.

And I know for a fact that it is slowly killing my spirit, soul and will eventually over take me and I will die of this. At this point, I am okay with that because I don't see the alternative.

I can't tell him that I don't love him passionatly. I do love him, just not the love that I desire.

I'm glad that we are all in this together cause I am scared and I don't want to be alone.........

soul

[soulmate93]

I know you've already got tons of advice here...but I feel compelled to add mine. I was married for 12 years to a man I wasn't in love with. Although he wasn't physically abusive he wasn't a good husband and he cheated the whole time. I stayed because i thought it was what was right for my son. I wanted him to have stability that I didn't have growing up. But secretely I hated him and my spirit was just gone. I had lost myself and I was miserable. when I finally made the decision to leave I did it one day that I knew he would be gone all day. when he came home, my stuff and I and our son were gone. I knew if he'd been there or I'd told him ahead of time that he'd never let me leave. he played soooo nice...He changed and started taking care of our son when he had him...taking him to church, doing tons of things he never did before...to prove to me that he'd changed... I got gifts and flowers delivered to my job every day.... my son chose to live with him because things were going so great and he'd never had that with his dad. My heart was broken because I was the one that had always been there for him, yet he chose his dad??!! it was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Lots of tears and lots of medication to help with the major depression it caused. he also tried to turn my son against me, was threatening me, harrassing me all day every day after he realized I wasn't coming back. it worked for a while, but it's been a year and a half and my son now is begging to live with me he hates his dad because his true colors are back to the surface while I have been constant loving and mothering him just as I always have. I never talked down to him about his dad..he saw for himself and realized that I wasn't the bad person his dad made me out to be. Now things are so wonderful, I've found myself again, I'm happier and healthier and my son is on his way to being with me again. Stick with it.. it's going to be hard...very very hard, but take it from me..it's all worth it.

[otokmurter]

You have one life... give yourself a better chance for finding happiness while you're younger - don't fake it any longer, the sooner you get out the better! the better

Originally Posted by Sherina610

I've been married for 6 years. 6 years where I had to bear my husband's violence, control, sarcasm, humiliation and many, many forms of manipulation.
By the six's year I decided to move out and he followed me to apologize and beg me to give him one last chance.
I've never seen him so weak, all the family made me feel like a cruel person for ignoring his tears and, due to my extra sensitivity (%#@&#! that!) I came back!
And I can't believe I did! Now, he is peaceful, calm, faking smiles all day long and trying to be a better person. Of course he has ups and downs but he is not as violent as he was before.
The thing is that I fell out of love from the moment I walked out the door. When I came back, I couldn't find it again.
I just can't love him again, he could be a friend, a co worker, anything but not my husband. I can't hate having sex with him and I am sick of faking everything in my life.
for 6 years I've been faking smiles, reactions, actions, emotions and everything till I lost myself and forgot who i was and what I am supposed to feel if that was the real me dealing with any situation.
Now, I am just tired of faking and I want to get out. I just don't have a way to tell him except by hurting him and saying it in his face "I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE" and not give a %#@&#! about his effort to become a better person. Being in this house kills me every day.
I can't find the strength to be honest with him, nore the will to keep the show going on.
What do I do?!

[whyme03]

I have learned through therapy that I can not say I know how you feel. but I can tell you what I did. I was with my husband for 7 years. He has two children from a previous marriage when I met him his kids were 10 and 11. I basically raised those kids. I not only put up with the abuse from him but from his kids. His son threaten to kill me twice.
I was abused when I was a child. Me and my husband have a 5 year old together. I left the first time when he did not want to do anything about his son trying to kill me,but because of our daughter I went back. Three years later I have left for good when he held me down and wanted sex. I am now happier than I have been in a very long time. I am with my parents and I have custody of our daughter.
Leaving was hard but I had a choice to make do I stay in a marriage were I was unhappy for the sake of my daughter or do I leave for for my daughter and be happy I chose me.

[rappacinisgarden]

((((Sherina, rosie, et al...)))) You all seem such wonderful women and I'm sorry about what your coping with.It's not fair to be treated badly. Yes, it's a difficult situation when kids are between. But don't hesitate to make decisions when they finally click in. Your children, even though small, will know better when they are adults. I know what I mean since my mother put up with my father 25 yrs with his psychological abuse. She felt lost, undecided, scared, insecure and started to drink alclohol.

She moved from one country to another at the age of 37 and started over, still with my father at her side. She maintained us, my brother and I, with a lot of effort. She retook her studies and at the present day she is a nurse. One day, my father got into a fight with my mother's brother, my uncle, and she told my father to move out, that he doesn't have any rights to mistreat anybody. Was this painful to us? Yes, very much. It had affected me deeply seeing over the years how my mother was suffering.

Well, at the present day I feel very proud of my mother and wish i had her strength. After she left my father she stopped the alcohol abuse. she is a new independent person. Has she lost her time? No, never think this. It had to be what it had to be. And believe me it is never late to make up anything you want in life. You are all not alone, and I am sure of whatever comes out of your decisions will benefit you and by the way benefit your children.

Children are amazing and sense many things. i personally think that the most important influence in their life can be there mother, and of course their father, but in a different way. I f my mother feels bad, i feel bad; if she is sad I always try to be there for her; I feel very connected to her. Today I can say that i love her and that i feel very proud of her. Do not hesitate saving yourself because this is the way that you will also save your children.. Rap