[Medicated]

I've taken a few different eating disorder questionnaires, and each has said that I very likely have an eating disorder. While I'll confess to a HISTORY of eating disorders (I've been anorexic/bulimic for real), I don't see that as being a problem for me right now.

Sure, I think about my weight a lot, and I always feel like I could stand to lose some weight, but I don't often feel like I am 'grotesque.' Most of the time, I think I'm pretty good at accepting me for where I am. I don't obsess about what I am GOING to eat, but I do worry while eating and feel guilty if I feel over-full or think I've eaten too much. Although I do tend to skip meals, it has been a couple years since I have "purged."

To me, it isn't that big a deal because I've experienced the "dark side," and this (in my opinion) is no where near it. However, when therapists ask about it, and when I fill out these questionnaires, the replies are shocking to me. Intensive treatment program? Seriously? I'd understand if I was underweight and still felt the way I do, but at a BMI of nearly 25, it seems like overkill. I *believe* I'm pretty normal.

But then again, I worry that I'm delusional. What if my perception of "normal" is really screwed-up? Maybe I really do need help, and maybe the fact that I'd prefer to lose another 15-20 lbs before formally seeking help is strong evidence of a problem.

I don't know. I don't think I obsess about food, and I don't think I'm being extreme in my methods (most of the time). I'm afraid to bring it up with the current therapist because I feel like there are more urgent things we need to talk about while I prepare to go back to school in a few weeks.

I didn't really think it was much of a problem, but the results of these questionnaires are kinda freaking me out. I'm not sure what to do (if anything). Thoughts?

[whoswho]

Questionnaires are simply tools you can use to look at yourself and your behaviors. From what you've described, it sounds like these tests are picking up on your past experience with an ED. Maybe you're not in the throws of an ED now, but I think it's impossible to overcome completely. Someone that's struggled with anorexia, even after recovery, might worry about their weight more than the average person--the only difference is that a recovered anorexic won't necessarily indulge in these worries and begin restricting again. The thoughts are always there--the issue is if you act on them.

Ask yourself this: is food in control of your life, or are you in control of your food? Do you live to eat, or eat to live? Answer them honestly, and you'll know for sure if it's something you need to discuss with your T.

Good luck.

[Medicated]

Thatnks, whoswho. You're right - the questionnaires pick up heavily on thought patterns (many of which do still persist for me), but don't necessarily do a great job of taking into account the day-to-day reality.

Weight is continuously a prominent topic of my thoughts, but food itself is not in control of my life, whether or not I feel I'm struggling. As things stand, when I start restricting, it becomes a power trip for me.. like a one-player contest to see who can eat the least and still function. Instead of directly obsessing about food, I keep myself so busy I either forget to eat, or have excuse not to, and then I thrive on the remarks that I look thinner. I feel simultaneously empowered and shameful when I'm behaving that way... like a child stealing cookies from the jar while mom isn't looking.

What is strange to me is that the times that I get this way seem to be self-limited. I'll go through a "spell" for a few weeks, lose 10-15 lbs, and then suddenly return to more normal eating habits for weeks or months before entering another spell. I'm at no great health risk because I'm about 30 lbs away from being "underweight," but I feel like I'm playing with fire... I worry that one of these times, I won't magically pull out of it again.

I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me if my situation becoming that bad is a relative inevitability, or only a possibility. For the time being, I think I'll put it low on the therapy priorities list with the assumption that since I've made it out okay so many times before, there's no compelling reason to think I can't do it again. However, I probably ought to bring it up eventually.

[eskielover]

I am somewhat in a similar situation as you. I have always not wanted to gain weight or get fat, but never looked at myself as being overweight except when I really was for a short period before ending up stress taking me to a very unhealthy underweight condition that needed medical care in the hospital.

The quizzes like you said, only look at the thoughts not the reality of everyday life & that we are in control of those thoughts.

I just moved & started seeing a new psychologist....obviously, the anorexia came up, but in talking she is understanding of the reality as of today....& there are many other issues that need to be handled. ONly problem is that in handling them, some were the cause of the anorexia, so it's a bit difficult at times.....have to be very careful & determined to not start feeling so sick again that I can't eat.

You sound like you are at a safe weight (30 pounds over the minimum weight). That is a safe weight & also gives you some reserve in case therapy gets tough or you come across something that causes the anorexia to show up again. That reserve should give you a chance to bring it up with your T if it starts to happen.

Make sure you monitor yourself if you feel you are starting to loose weight.....& I am sure you will be fine.
Debbie

[matt c]

Hi Medicated,

Sounds like you’re talking about maintenance of your recovery to me. Yes you’ve had these problems before, and although you say you are not directly obsessing about food at present, in your own words it becomes “a power trip” for you, and you realise you’re ‘playing with fire’. And as Whoswho pointed out, it is these aspects the questionnaires are picking up on.
It therefore sounds like you have a lot of insight into your situation. But, …and Im sorry to quote you back at yourself again……rather than waiting to “magically pull out of it” in time, do you feel you would be able to notice the behaviour returning, and use that self-knowledge that you have developed, to choose to bring yourself out of it instead?
I know..maybe easier to say than do! But to me it sounds like you have come through the worst, but still need to keep a guard that you don’t let yourself slip back there again.
Maintenance of eating disorder recovery is as important as the initial recovery itself…otherwise…all that hard work!
For this reason, it could well be worth discussing sooner than later with your T, but as a discussion around your skills in maintaining your recovery.
Best wishes,

Matt c

[Isabella12]

This online **** is a mind****. Excuse my french. The questionaire gave me the highest score indicative of disordered eating possible. I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I have sought counseling because of anxiety that I attributed to disordered eating patterns. I wanted to lose 13 lbs. I started exercising, and actually looking at labels and calories. At the height of the disorder I was exercising for up to five hours a day, consuming roughly 600 calories, taking diuretics and laxatives four times a day, and had forced myself to vomit after eating two spoonfuls of ice cream. My body was displaying survival behavior. I grew hair. I did not eat anything with a fat percentage more than 4% of daily intake or more than 200 calories per serving. I had a BMI of 16.8. And I thought I still looked fat. Eventually I had a panic attack which put me in the emergency room after binging at a pizza buffet. I sought counseling. I stopped looking at "thinspo". The burden lightened up eventually although I still feel funny with food. I can see that i'm not fat although I have gained the 13 lbs back. It's a constant struggle. Sometimes you just can't put your own personal experiences in a box.