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[Broken Wings]

i would probably keep doing the same thing that i am doing now

Unfortunately I had to get buzzed to post this, I know I need to. this was posted 12:15am this morning, and then deleted @ 1am.

The pressure is getting to me

This weight on my shoulders- I hate it. Food is calling to me, it's become my best frenemy and I think I'm losing control. I don't want to eat. I can't eat. I need to keep losing weight. I need to get back into the healthy range for my height. I've lost ten lbs since Thanksgiving. I'm 5'7" and 165lbs. I've struggled a bit. I had recently gained some weight before Thanksgiving, gaining 5lbs during the holiday, placing me at 175! I used to be at 150 to 155lbs for the longest time, but over the past year crept up to 160. Then I would go down a bit, then end up at 165, then back to 160, and then repeat and start all over, and over, and over again. I know I should be eating more, but I want to lose weight. I would go for a walk, but it's too cold, I don't want to get sick again, or ever. I usually don't get sick. I also don't want to binge or purge. I don't talk about it. I got some help for it when it reared its ugly head my senior year of high school. It took a lot of courage to tell my mom and get help. I thought I would be fine at college, and for the most part I was. I can honestly say I only had two handfuls of binge purge episodes in all my four years. I've started up again now living on my own after no longer having a roommate- I have only been living on my own again for about 4 of the almost 5 years a after graduating college. I started doing it rarely, then it became as often as once or twice a week, now it's down to maybe once or twice a month. I've heard some people do it as many times as a handful a day. While I don't do it as often, I still know it's not good for me and I'm trying to regain control of my eating habits.
So now I've been gaining weight along the process of curbing this bad habit. I hate it. No one notices an overweight anorexic until she's underweight. But I can't do that, even though I'm trying. I have too much of an appetite, for food and life in general. I don't think I have the willpower.
Yet I did quit smoking cold turkey. I quit my coke habit cold turkey/on my own. I stopped being a stoner. Now all I have is this damned food addiction. It's worse than any other addiction I've had, but unlike the rest, I can never get tired of food. Food's there for me. Food gives me strength, comfort, pleasure and enjoyment.
I can't afford to order food as much as I used to, that's helped a bit. Yet I also can't afford to binge on my own food, because then I'll end up with an empty refrigerator and then have to stretch whatever’s in my cabinet, which is where all my grains are, not much protein and all carbs. I haven't had real meat in over a week now. I had some tuna today in form of a sandwich, but I am planning on eating tofu for a while, I want to save/stretch out the handful of tuna cans I bought today. I really don't want to binge. I hate this feeling. I should've have gotten intoxicated, it's more difficult to resist when I'm inebriated. Damn. I only drink occasionally now, less water retention, no possibility of any gut development or weight gain. Damn, I remember when a friend of binge told me a long time ago I have an addictive personality, I had to learn the hard way just exactly what that means.

I suppose that was too in depth for people to feel comfortable responding too? I apologize if that was intense, I just had to get that out, even for the most part I'm able to stay in control it's nothing one can ever truly overcome- like parkinsons or lupis, it's just a maintanable illness of sorts . . . .

[whoswho]

I meant to respond last night, but I went and took a shower...

No one notices an overweight anorexic until she's underweight. But I can't do that, even though I'm trying. I have too much of an appetite, for food and life in general. I don't think I have the willpower.

I feel your pain! There's always the struggle between binging and restricting, with no middle-ground in between. No one sees it, though--our binges keep our weight up. It's strange--how we try to be "normal." We fast to lose weight, but the emotional support is no longer there. We binge, and end up purging just to maintain weight. Why are our emotions so entwined with food? Why is there such a "need"? Everyone needs food, but not to the same extent. I can't imagine a harder addiction to break than an addiction to food.

I ended up losing 20 lbs. in July. Then I gained 10 in late August. Lost 15 in September, gained 15 from Oct-Nov. Now I'm losing again (only about 10lbs so far). In the end, am I ever "thinner"? I'm about the same weight as I was before, and since I'm tall--losing even 10-15lbs doesn't make a big difference in my appearance. I wish someone could see through my stupid mask and help me; I'm too scared to ask for it.

Unfortunately, I can't help you with your food addiction; I suffer from it as well. Our eating sounds similar. All I can tell you is, "yes, I'm suffering too."

Originally Posted by LabLover23

I suppose that was too in depth for people to feel comfortable responding too? I apologize if that was intense, I just had to get that out, even for the most part I'm able to stay in control it's nothing one can ever truly overcome- like parkinsons or lupis, it's just a maintanable illness of sorts . . . .

Not at all Lab, it does feel strange when you reveal such honest material and no one responds.

I think its amazing you kicked the other stuff cold turkey .

Unfortunaetly food acn't be done that way . And i belive many people get hooked on drinking drugs and smoking to control food . or as a means of dieting.

It takes a real commitment and desision to follow a food plan and make it a LIfe change.

The key is making the comitment .. " Half measures availed us nothing. we stood at the turning point .."

I always like those words half measures . I always saw a measuring cup ..

Not using a measuring cup is half measures. and it avails you nothing but a binge. one cup becomes two becomes three.

well when you have a food addict readng the book of AA you substitute food for alchohol .

my big book has words crossed out and food written in red ink.

Know thyself and know when to say NO to the steps thay lead you to a binge .

step zero is dont buy a binge food .

start right now /

set down and make a food plan for yourself to follow .

and start tonight as soon as you read this .
If you folow your plan you wil suceed.

mines real simple

No wheat. no sugar.

I do have some bread when i oreder out . I NEVER have a loaf at home

I don;t miss Pizza. I don;t miss alot of foods many delight in. because for me it is nologer a delight. if it calls out to me for more and it does itbecomes a struggle d rather not have to deal with.

keep it simple with your food plan .

eat to live not live to eat.

right now I eat for health and every morsel I ingest I hope wil help my body. I hope it cures me.

as I sit here drinking green tea instaed of coffe.

My getting better takes president over coffee,



Patricia

Thanks for all the nice comments, esp. Patricia. I haven't been on in a few days, so I'm just gettig back to you. Yes, it is a struggle,. I limit myself, eat healthy, but moderate a lot of studff. Like if there's a work party(like I had tonight) have onlytwo pieces of pizza and a slice of cake, make up for it the next couple of days. It's just when I let myself get out of control is when I have problems. Usually it's related to an addiction of sorts to ordering food for delivery- that's the hardest- but now I force myself to buy and cook my own food, it helps lot, bu I still struggle everyday with it.