[ThePainNeverDies]

I started it, now it keeps going down and down and down...

First it was EDNOS, then anorexia taht stayed not so bad for a while, then that progressed and turned into anorexia and bulimia... I went to the drs as soon as i saw it going down and at the time they saw no problem because I wasn't underweight, but then when I dropped to below the weight I was when i was 16, they questioned it, asked how my eating was. So I said "Ugh. Don't ask" and they got the point that it was getting worse.

So now, it's turned into full blown starving and if I do end up eating, I bring it straight back up. I wish I didn't, i wish I could stop myself. I don't want to be like this. I never did, I don't want to be like it anymore. I don't want to be a disease.

It's causing Connor and I to argue a lot, although he denies it. I'm weak at work and can't concentrate so therefore get extremely frustrated when other waste 2 hours of MY time for not doing their job properly and nearly causing ME to get the sack. Ugh.

I'm so tired, sick, fed up I can't do anything without feeling like it's the wrong thing to do, without doubting myself. My Sisters have just dropped me like I'm nothing and now that's how I feel. Like nothing. My boyfriend is blaming me for everything and telling me that I fail. At work today, he was crashing about, making a load of noise, shunting drawers back into their shelves and scaring me to the point that I almost shouted "For heaven's sake, stop being so freakin' stroppy!!!!" Everyone was complaining when they walked with me later on I don't want people to be complaining about him to me... But he's brought it on himself. i stuck up for him to the manager yet when I told him that, he said sarcastically "Well done. Nice one. Brilliant! Have a medal." i was just trying to help...

How am I supposed to get anywhere when i feel so stuck as this?

Sorry for the ramble. I'm so stuck I'm so unhappy I'm so miserable and weak and in pain

I got a phonecall from one of my close friends laying into me because she's so worried about losing me. I felt awful. I don't mean to do this. I don't do it on purpose. I just can't keep anything down

I'm sorry. I'm feeling hopeless..

I hope you're all okay *hugs*

[amante]

Thepainneverdies,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, be gentle to yourself. Are you seeing a Counsellor or Therapist for the eating and purging. i purge too, it's a thing you seem to have no control of. Sounds like you have a lot of stress on your plate. I hope you find the strenght to get through. sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

[BearForever]

I send my prayers and good wishes. Hoping you find the strength to get through this. *hugs*

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you for being there, Amanda. I'm not seeing a Therapist until the first Wednesday in march and I'm absolutely terrified because I know by then I'll have lost at least another stone. Which will put me over half a stone underweight. The same day that I have my appointment, there is a self help group that I'll be going to with a friend from work because he wants to go, to understand how to support me better. I found the last one extremely helpful, because although I was explaining to another career how to help his daughter, how she feels and sees things etc, I was also feeding it into my friend's head and he could understand it so much better.

I felt so hopeless tonight. This was after I ate a packet of crisps to just have something and then had a shower to make myself fell cleaner, but then decided a bath would be better to relax me, which it did... But it relaxed me so much that it let all the bad thoughts come in. So yeah. Bad time. So when I tried to talk to Connor about it, he seemed to ignore it.

I feel like no-one's proud of me, especially considering the fact that today I became a fully qualified fishmonger. Only a few people have congratulated me and said how proud of me they are. Ok maybe most people don't need that, but I don't have a fmaily or friends to go home to and tell and have them say "Nice one! Well done you worked damn hard for that", because I bloody well did. i worked my butt off to become a fully qualified fishmonger. I was dropped in the deep end because I started just before christmas so it was lucky that I got the job because I'm a fast learner and picked up the job really well, even without some of the training.

I'm very tired today... Have to be up at 4am and in work at 5am Fun times. I'm gonna take it easy tomorrow if I can. I'm in until 1pm, so I can just come home and chill out. I hope.

Don't know what else to say right now, my head is throbbing so, so much

Thanks for the help