It's never-ending..

In high school I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and later ED-NOS. I started the restricting and not eating behaviors when I was in 8th grade (1997). All through eighth grade and part of 9th grade I engaged in anorexic behaviors. I spoke up and decided to get treatment December of 98. All through high school I tried limiting my intake. I was never hospitalized. I dont know when I finally got out of control with my eating and gained all the weight i had lost back plus more weight. I have struggled with self esteem, body image, and my weight...it seems like ever since 1997. At my weight now I am considered overweight. Every day is a struggle for me. My inner thoughts are always negative and always about feeling guilty for eating this or that and getting mad at myself for not having the control and willpower like I had in high school. I guess I am no longer anorexic because of the weight I am at now. for me, it's probably a bit different because I was never hospitalized, but I feel like I am never going to be 'recovered' from the eating disorder. Does anyone feel like this? I believe that you are never fully recovered from an eating disorder. your body may be, but not your mind. Does anyone feel this way?

I totally feel that way. I dealt with anorexia nervosa beginning when I was 10 , but it didn't get really bad until I was 13, until I was 17. Then when my mom left me with my aunt, I went from 92 lbs to about 150 lbs. I felt terrible about my weight at that point. Then I went down to 115 in less than a year. I was only fed once a day, if at all, and I exercised for at least 3 hours a day. Then when I was pregnant I got up to 184 lbs. I lost about 25 that first month after my baby was born, but it took me 9 months to lose it all. Now, I am a healthy weight for my height, 120 lb. But I still struggle with the anorexia, even though I'm at this weight. There are times I restrict food. But not as much as I used to and there are times I eat a lot more than usual. When I do eat a lot, I feel terrible, irritable, and mad with myself. I think I'll always still struggle with these feelings and my need to be skinny. But I think it's more important for me right now to know that it is okay to eat.

I don't think that your mind or body ever get's over an ED I had it 3 years ago & just before I got to my 3yrs I fell back in to it I have managed to stay at a healthy weight for my hight but I will only eat once a day if I can get away with it I will not eat at all I have not had a meal for 3 days now even though I have had a couple of small snacks I hate the way I look & want to be much smaller than I am I would love to get back in my size 2 jeans but my hubby will not let it go that far again I was never in hospital either but I don't think that makes any differnce to someone who has been we all have had it at the end of the day & were all here for each other pm me any time anyone wants to chat

Cat
xxx

I'm not recovered, but I know people who are. I know people who found happiness regardless of weight. And I suppose like ex-smokers, there will always be moments where you want it or are reminded of it, but I do think that you can achieve a healthy life and be happy. If I didn't, I wouldn't see the point of trying to survive through this. Personally, I'm not ready to recover. I did "recover" but I had a very traumatic event that sprung it on me again. But during about 2 years of my life ... food was not the center of my world. I know I need outside help to recover to a point where I can pick up the ball and keep going on my own, but it is not available to me right now. If you have the means to get help and want to be rid of this monster ... I suggest you reach for it. It's hard and may seem impossible, but I've seen it happen and I know there is hope to live most moment of your life for something other than eating or not eating. Hang in there.

That's too bad that you can't get treatment. Is it because of financial reasons? I know there are free mental health centers in some areas. Although, people with EDs probly need more than therapy..so those treatment facilities are probably pretty pricey. Assuming it's financial reasons, Are you not ready to recover because of the lack of money and you're not sure where to go for help? I hate to see people struggling and not able to get the treatment they need because lack of insurance and/or money. I've been in the same situation. It's so unfortunate for this to happen to people. I don't know where you live, but here in the US it's very difficult to get decent treatment, for anything basically, if you don't have the money to pay for it.

HUGS