It's been a while.

I haven't logged on in over a month since I'm too ashamed. I've relapsed, like hardcore... I starved myself, I fainted, I over exercised, I fainted, I binged, I purged, I purged blood, I starved, I fainted.

I live by myself away from home in college. I have no roommates, I like that privacy. I like it so I can never keep food in the kitchen. I like it so when I binge, I won't be afraid someone will find me covered with shame. I like it so when I purge, no one will hear me. I think that this may have caused my return to destructive habits. I can't change where I live but can something help me from doing this? A moment in sanity prompted me to post and ask for help. I don't want any counseling because what I do is gross and anything more than anonymous internet forums will be too hard. Is there any way that I can save myself when I live alone?

I can't give you advice when you say you don't want this or that. You have to do anything to get better. When ready pm me anytime.

Usually destructive habits have deep underlying issues that have probably happened in your past that you don't want to deal with either.

Bottom line is that if you don't want to deal with the underlying issues of what is causing these destructive habits & you don't want to do anything to help you stop.....it doesn't just stop magically & it takes strong determination to STOP. Unless you are determined to stop & it's something you really want.....they you are only going to continue until you end up making yourself so sick you end up in the hospital with a perforated esophagus.....that is if you are lucky enough for them to find you before it's too late since you are living alone.

The only thing you can do is to be aware of your thoughts & emotions & STOP yourself at your urge before you take any action. Difficult when you are only accountable to yourself.

The other thing is to get rid of your emotional thinking about why you don't want to go get help. Yep, it's gross what you are doing....but people who would be able to help you have known & dealt with much more gross things than this.....so don't use that as an excuse. Besides, you need professional help to help you deal with the underlying issues that you are suppressing. Your binging, purging, & starving yourself is just the tip of your ice burg that needs to be dealt with. Until you have a sound foundation to build your healthy life on, you will continue to struggle whether with binging/purging/starving or something else.

YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!!!