[MrsBee]

So, here it goes. Today started the first day of my three week without my fiancee. I am terrified of a relapse, I know with proper support and being open and honest with myself and my feelings I will be able to continue being failure free.

Here is a brief run down. I have suffered from every extreme of ED possible, from drinking three bottles of milk of magnesium a day to being extremely under weight and I'm very tall. Along with the ed I. Have been known to substitute food compulsion with return.g to get sexual attention. Or drinking heavily.

Since I have met my current beau, I have proudly gone 5 weeks without a recurrence of any of those behaviors, and trust me, it hasn't been easy. The desire to be a better person for my own sake as well as our future is too strong to let suffer.

I just dropped him off at the airport to be gone to Australia (my dream) for three whole weeks. I am faced with being alone, well, alone with my disorder.

I am crying for help.

Please.

(((((MrsBee)))))

Sending you hugs and positive vibes. I was fortunate to be able to meet you in chat yesterday. You have great insight, strength and determination. You can do it! If you ever want to chat, feel free to send me a pm. I hope you'll keep us posted on this thread how you're doing.

[MrsBee]

Day two has begun and well, I have a weird feeling of peace. I honestly think it was because I didn't consume myself with negativity and have a chipper outlook on the day. I am going to my first OA meeting this morning and am a tiny bit nervous. What there to lose I figure, and eating disorder (hahahaha).

Thanks guys!

[MrsBee]

Ahahahah, what a bloody day. I have managed to eat an ENTIRE freaking Caesar salad from the fresh market and now i feel like a pig.

Sigh.

And now I am faced with going home to an empty house.

What can I do to keep from binging?

So I Found a solution, try to find as many real honest faults about me and try to see how I can fix them. The first battle I wanted to take on was my appearance (of course) so I took a picture of myself and set off to do like the professionals do (airbrush my imperfections).

I was able to look at myself through nothing but eyes of love and admiration, I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I will share this with you, feel free to go ahead and deface and repost, it might make you feel better or make me laugh.

day three isn't as hard as I thought I would be quite yet

[alwaysrejoice]

MrsBee, I cannot relate to your problems specifically. I have major depression and anxiety. I do feel for you though. I'm sorry you are going through this alone right now. Keep posting. Try to keep yourself busy, I know I hate it when people tell me that but it does help. Hang in there.

[MrsBee]

This has by far been the toughest day to date. I want to gorge my self to quiet the screaming pain of sadness.

At the same time I am hating myself, my body image is shot. I want to cry.

[eskielover]

Find some activities that you can distract yourself with......oh, anything you enjoy doing....walking around a park. If you have a dog, that also helps...if not, I have several I can loan you...lol.

I find that I enjoy doing crafts...mostly beading jewelry & other things.....the process of designing & doing keeps the mind busy so that it doesn't have time to focus on the bad things is wants to focus on (I just lost my horse last week & the grief has been overwhelming) When I feel that way, I loose my appetite & can't eat......so I have a bit different struggles....but struggles still the same.

Getting together with friends also helps...riding horses, going to the movies, art showings, any number of fun things that are available to do that keep the mind from controlling the body.......

I have lived alone for the last 4 years after leaving my husband. For me, it's been the best thing I have ever done in my life & being alone is a good thing because it's forced me to have to take care of myself better than when I lived with him.....I have 5 dogs now (started out with 7) that need all my attention & care.....so having to take care of myself & not allowing anorexia to take over when my stress gets high has been a critical part of self-care.

Find things outside of yourself to focus on.....good place to start & stay.

((((((MrsBee))))))

Sending you hugs and positive vibes. You are a beautiful person, inside and out!

[MrsBee]

Thank you so much. This is already one of those days that i really wish I could stay in bed for along long time. I woke up with those feelings that I'm inadequate and thats the real reason my beau is gone for so long, and also the reason why I cannot go as well. I'm destined to just be good enough to dogsit and never be the one to go on vacation.

Also, i suppose I didn't eat enough last night because I woke this morning absolutely ravenous, wanting to devour everything in sight. I had an apple driving in to work this morning. once I finally got here I ate a granola bar and half a roll...I felt out of control. I felt like I couldn't stop. It was scary. I don't want to sabotage myself. I am going on 6 weeks of absolute freedom from this damn disorder. I haven't binged purged restricted OR over exercised (at least not intentionally).

I want to keep a steady pace and not give up. I want to be a winner. I want to be beautiful. I feel ugly.

Bleh.