[ickydog2006]

It's day four or five of dieting and my ED is starting to take over. I thought I was more in control of this. I've gotten use to the empty stomach feeling and now I'm finding it really hard to force myself to eat. Today I had an instant breakfast shake, an apple, one quarter of a can of soup, and a little bit of chicken and pasta for dinner. I realized something was wrong when I was trying to eat the soup. It's like I can feel everything as it goes in my stomach and I hate it. I don't feel good about myself when I feel anything in there. I got through about two bites of soup before I wanted to puke. The entire can of soup is only 120 calories, so it wasn't something I should feel quilty about. I managed to force some more bites and drank some of the broth over the course of the next hour, each time fighting back my gagging reflex. I worked out again after dinner (burning off half the calories I ate for the day). I like working out right after dinner, because it keeps me from purging and by the time I'm done my stomach feels empty again. I told my husband when I got back that I need him to force me to eat my icecream later even if I change my mind because I've been having a hard time forcing myself to eat. I feel so guilty for telling him. I know he's disappointed and worried. Now that I told him I know he's not going to let me escape the icecream. I'm scared that I'm just going to end up purging it anyways. The exercise helps me not feel so bad about it and the fact I'm way under calories. I've been checking the scale constantly though, and I haven't been losing any weight. I'm hoping it's just because of PMS and extreme bloating from that right now.

[ickydog2006]

I ate the ice cream. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it but I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I can feel that my stomach isn't even close to full, but just that little bit is more than I want to carry in there. I'm going to take a muscle relaxant tonight because my back is killing me (I worked out even with it hurt, genius that I am), hopefully that will help me sleep this off tonight.

[Lizabelle]

Hey, hold in there, ID. I've been reading some of you posts, and I know you're going through a lot. Try talking to your husband more, maybe. It seems like he helped you with the ice cream, right? He can help you, even if it seems hard. You've got to find people that you trust that can help you with these things, or it's just not going to happen. Take care of youself, okay?

[ickydog2006]

Thanks. He has been trying to help a lot, which is good, even if I don't like to admit it. He stayed with me last night after I ate some icecream and wanted to purge. He also made me eat the icecream (I was at half my calories for the day so I don't blame him making me eat a half cup of icecream). I've been keeping a food diary that I keep out so he can review it whenever he wants too. Right now the agreement is I need to at least average 1000 calories every two days. That way if I only eat 800 one day he won't get mad if I eat 1200 the next day. And it keeps me from not eating for a few days and then binging.

[Lizabelle]

I'm glad to hear that you've got someone in your support system that you trust like that Keep it up! And keep posting- sometimes it's good to get it all out there.