i know its dangerous but still i do it

I dont know if this will stop. I have hiperinsulinism, and i had some control of the way i ate in the past, i had been so depressed last months that i dont have any strength to go on with the excercise or to stop eating, i dont want to do anything except eat and eat and eat, and then i see my body, my stomach so big, i feel like a frog, i dont want anyone to see me, so i fake when i am forced to go outside and use make up and try to look better but i feel everyone can see what i feel inside of me. Of course, i eat more when nobody can see me, but i hate vomiting so everything ends inside of me and i have this crazy feeling like my skin is growing and growing on its own, like a monster...
I need some strength to step out of my chair, because i know i can go diabetic, and i really hate my body and myself. I live in this stupid place where if you are not a miss you are trash. I had passed the half of my life feeling so bad about me. i want that to stop, i want a normal relationship, but for that i have to be slim, if no, no one sees you here, even my mother says "someone saw you, even with your stomach?" everyone look at me like thinking bad stuff, but no one knows how it hurts... My family wanted to make a stomach surgery but doc said i didnt qualified. My problem is too much insulin, if i dont eat i just get more fat, if i eat too much i get more fat, if i dont eat enough carbohidrates i get dizzy. I am so tired to try, i am so tired of not being accepted that at the moment i am dropping everything, but i need my will back, i need support to go on with the excercises and help myself a litle more - i want to cry so badly...)-

This is really, really difficult. I really feel for you. I have problems with eating and a large stomach but not that degree. And where I live, I see people with large stomachs coupled up all the time. Go figure. Are you being regularly seen by your endocrinologist? Can you afford an RD who might work in pair with the endocrinologist? It seems that your diet has be meet so many constraints - not too much, not too little, etc. that you need professional help, maybe a professionally put together meal plan. Is it something you can afford? When you eat, do you cook for yourself or you buy store-bought meals? I very much feel for you, it is as if you were living in the darkness created by food.