eating disorder's daily check in spot

Great work SDRL!

I feel gross and fat and if i can restrict i will feel bettter.

No you won't. You'll just get caught up in the restrict/binge cycle and then hate yourself for that.

Sometimes when I hate my body that much, I decide to just ignore it. I wont look in any mirrors, wont wear clothing that lets me see or feel my perceived blubber and don't even move around very much, lest I feel anything jiggle. I'm not saying this is healthy, but it's better than starving myself. I already know that leads to bad things.

Tried. Failed.

constantly distracted & food is hard to make one of my priorities. When living alone & trying to eat all the meals that are supposed to be normal, it feels like all I'm doing is constantly cooking & eating for a few minutes, then cleaning dishes & when do I have time for all the other higher priority things in my life.....somehow, eating & food just seems to get in the way of life.....wish there was an easier way to get nutrition then by eating....but I hate those shake things after being in an ED treatment center where if you didn't finish your meal even if you only left a few bites, they forced you to drink a sustical......it's not even on my consider list.

LOL...yesterday, our electricity went out while I was on the phone & just before I was planning on going down to the kitchen to make something to eat......we had a huge storm go through & the electricity was out until almost 5am in the morning......lol...what an excuse to not be able to fix food to eat considering my home is all electric.....ice cream wasn't a bad choice actually it tasted pretty good.....but it's not something that really sticks to the ribs & keeps the hunger away.

Got a steak out to defrost today, but didn't feel like doing the BBQ thing.....will save that for tomorrow......I really hate eating & food even when I know it's what is so necessary to help me function & to even feel ok.

Today was decent. Ate at super weird times, but made peanut butter cookies which were super yummy, super easy, and a good way to get some more protein in (especially since there are only 3 ingredients: peanut butter, eggs and sugar)!

Yesterday I ate dinner, and actually managed eating chocolate.

I'm having a really hard time eating the last few days. Not because I don't want to gain weight or feel like I'm too fat or anything, I just have to FORCE myself to eat and it's HARD. It hasn't been this hard in a long time. Despite my ED, I have always loved and enjoyed food, so when this happens it's always disconcerting. (Of course, if I was in relapse mode I'd be thrilled, but I'm trying to be in RECOVERY, so like...HELLO body, cooperate with me please!)

--Edna St. Vincent Millay

Today was good, I had 3 meals and a snack. Being in the partial hospital program helped me immensely even though it wasn't for EDs. Now that I am done with the program, I don't know what I am going to do with my time. I am going to attempt to keep with the schedule that I was on, I just hope I can stick with it. I really need to find a better job with better hours so I can stick to my schedule better. In time I know I will, it's just what will I do until then.

Had a so-so day today food-wise, though I am very glad to say that I actually ENJOYED dinner tonight! Partly because my dad's home from California for a bit and I had his company, but also because what I made was absolutely perfectly done!

Celebrate that! That sounds like a great victory. Even if the rest of the food day was so-so, the fact that you not only enjoyed a meal but also ALLOWED yourself to enjoy it shows some awesome recovery stuff is happening. I don't know anything about you or your struggles with this, but something like that is always worth recognizing and being proud of.
(Sorry, I know this isn't like much of a talking back and forth thread, but I always want to congratulate people when they mention enjoying food, because when I was struggling a lot, I had a really hard time admitting it if I liked what I was eating. So it makes me happy to see others being able to take that step beyond just eating food, but actually liking it.)

--Edna St. Vincent Millay

I finished a chocolate bar. Which sounds ridiculous I suppose, but I don't feel gross. I haven't had candy in forever, and I finally finished the damn thing and it's okay. I haven't had a melt down or weighed myself or anything.

I'm doing okay. I've been allowing myself to snack lately. I follow the same guidelines: I don't binge, don't eat when I'm not hungry. That sort of thing. It's okay right now. I just can't stop panicking. I'm not doing anything wrong and yet I still cannot stop panicking. This 'healthy relationship with myself' thing is a killer sometimes.

I found some really delicious snack chips that are pure sweet potato & sea salt in ruffle like chips.......they are so delicious & healthy & baked, not oily like normal potato chips.....they are one of my favorite snacks that keep me going when I'm not being good about eating.

I made a mushroom chicken pot pie from Marie Callender's yesterday. Ate on it most of the day......then was running late for the Bible study I was going to & didn't have time to make the steak I was really planning on eating yesterday.....that's going to be tonight's dinner along with grilled bananna peppers & eggplant out of my garden.

That's the kind of food I really like. I was surprised at how wonderful the grilled aspergras tasted the other week.....Definitely going to do that again only with fresher aspergras just purchased, & that hasn't been in the refrig for a couple of weeks.

Some things are just more appetizing than others IMO & it does make a difference in whether I enjoy eating or not....I need things that taste good but don't take long to fix.....hate it when it takes longer to fix food than it does to eat it......something's just NOT right about that IMO

I just wanted to tell everyone reading this today that whatever number on the scale you are cursing or body type you are chasing - you are worth more than that. Lets try and go easy on ourselves for one day (or one hour).

Ate breakfast. Ate lunch. Dinner is going to be a smoothie because I can't imagine sitting down and facing another plate. But I put some weight on! Which is good!

I stupidly ate pizza last night and of course, the gluten got the best of me and I was in bed sick all day. I had a Coke and some French fries, and that's pretty much it Hoping I feel better tomorrow.

I hope you feel better, Sing!

All the stress that's been in my life lately, & that just ends up causing bad diarrhea & I just continually end up loosing weight. What ever I gain when I eat, gets lost right after. Had serious problems with that right before going to my pain specialist last week & he even commented on how much I had lost in the last 1 1/2 months....then he piled another stressor on me....he's quitting his practice & going to take a position in a hospital where he's been doing a small amount of work all along. He's been my one place where I've been able to continue getting help here for the migraines I have that never go away.....even with the pain medications, I still get the symptoms of the migraines like the smell's effecting me & light....but with the meds....no pain......now to try & find another pain specialist who will be willing to treat me at the level I've been treated at since 2003 (4 years before I even moved here).......I'm stressing even more......feel like a complete mess because with the stress comes even worse insomnia along with the not eating well & then the depersonalization hits at times.......& just feel like a total mess.

I actually did eat well last night....I grilled a top sirloin steak nice & rare the way I like it & grilled eggplant, vidalia onions, & the bell pepper & the sweet bananna peppers I grew in my garden.....grew everything except the steak & the onions......made a balsamic ginger baste for the vegies & BBQ sause for the steak....lightly done.......Luckily, I didn't have problems at that point with what I ate......so I was able to gain a little back.....but my body just won't keep it there.

Good thing the blood pressure monitor wasn't working because I'm sure my blood pressure was sky high & even higher when I left.

Life can be so unkind at times.....& those are the times when I really don't care about eating.......sometimes I would just like to fade into nothingness.....but it just doesn't work that way

I had a good day. Ate three meals, a snack, and I am having a soda (a trigger food) and two cookies now. I feel good today. I missed having energy.