eating disorder's daily check in spot

I'm an American overseas in Asia right now and it's messing with my head big-time (ha! pun not intended ).

All my life I've felt huge when everyone was telling me I was very slim. Now that I'm here, I am huge. I walked into a shop and the clerk said, "Oh you - L or XL...maybe XXL" Back home, I'm a small.

I want to enjoy this opportunity and not focus on food/weight/body image, but today wasn't my day.

Bub

Still sick today, so I've barely eaten anything. Nothing sounds appealing...and it doesn't help that I have that nasty sick-taste in my mouth.

Finally feeling better today...but still barely ate. I've really fallen off track

But you know you did, feel bad for getting off track and can now work to get back on! Keep up the good work

I am so incredibly disappointed in myself
I went and bought a set of bathroom scales. When i started recovery (almost a year ago) i got rid of my scales and decided it was better for me not to have any in the house.

This weekend has just been a disaster in regards to a relapse etc...i just cant believe it!

Today was better. I was still restrictive in my eating, but I ate a lot more than the past few days.

I, too, have sort of fallen off the path. I've been skipping lunch on a fairly regular basis and working out twice a week for an hour each time. I see my dietician next week and don't know if she will weigh me or not. For some reason, I feel like losing Ana means losing part of who I am and I don't want to feel like that. I don't know what to do anymore.

I am finally back to my meal plan after having my gallbladder removed. I feel a lot better now.

I am not honest to medical doctors because i wax and wane between genuinely wanting to be better and wanting to be sicker. Now i've been prescribed a med truly contraindicated for a person with ed.
...i also wore a "doc outfit" (outfit which has sewn in weights to artificially boost the scale #) to the appt to ensure that this and some other similar drugs weren't elminated as options.

.....i really dont know if i feel defeated or triumphant.

To all who are struggling right now, I offer many hugs, prayers, positive vibes and good wishes. Recovery is possible. It is not easy, but it can be done.

Many of you who recently wrote are headed in the right direction and are getting a bit scared at the changes you're seeing/feeling physically and emotionally. PLEASE continue on your recovery path. Yes, it seems "easier" to just stop now...to give in to the ED voice whispering or screaming in your head. It's not easier. It's the devil talking to you and you must flee it.

I know I do a lot of cheerleading, but I honestly believe the things I'm saying. I am not "recovered" yet but I am really far in the process and I have learned that my THOUGHTS control my feelings and actions. So yes, I sound like a goofy chearleader even in my own head, but so what if it helps my recovery. Since some of you can't yet be your own cheerleader and best friend, I'm doing it for you.



OK, off my now.

Love,
Bub

Going thru a lot of overload & stress & 1st thing that goes is food & sleep the 2 things the body needs most. Fall brings up Ptsd stuff. Weight is safe now...but constant battle to take care of self when so tired giving upfeels the easiest solution

Today was a decent day. Lacking on the grains a bit (though who knows, I may still have a snack like toast before bed). And I'm eating dinner right now and actually enjoying it! I made a turkey burger w/cheese, and it seriously hits the spot!

No hugs for Moxie....i am bad, bad ,bad......did not make it one week yet again. I gave in to the urge. Did not even try to fight it. Hard work week.

Today was pretty crap nutritionally because I filled up on pie and kettle corn for dinner rather than real food...but hot damn was it delicious!

My doctor thinks I have an ulcer and has me taking Carafate, which tastes something awful. I have to take it 1hr before I eat and then at bedtime. My problem is that I need to eat when I am hungry, or I might not be hungry when that hour is up. So it has me in a bit of turmoil. I see my dietician on Wednesday and will definitely let her know what is going on. It really is letting Ana get revved up.

Eh. I didn't eat enough today. Some bread and butter and red grapes. Really disappointed in myself.

Again not such a good day. When I see my nutritionist tomorrow, she's gonna see a bunch of really crappy days

Today was one of those days that something sounded really good so I got it, but once I had it, I didn't want it. Ugh.

In the process of decriminalizing my body. It's not as easy as it sounds.

Restricted all day. Now I feel shame instead of misplaced pride.

Doing so much better today :-)

Having a bad week. Scared to show my T how few calories I have been eating when I see her Tuesday.

Ate pretty well so far today. But so far for dinner all I've got on the menu is wine...it's horrible, but as much as I love my job, it has driven me to drink. (Not excessively, just a glass or two of wine once a week or so, usually on Friday after a long week...and it's been a loong week. Hell it's been a long past 2 days! Worked 7:30-5:30 yesterday and today). Too much.

Haven't wanted to admit it to anyone, but I b/p twice in one day on Saturday. Haven't done that in 20 months.

I know what set it off, physical exhaustion and a looming deadline that I couldn't miss, but I am still mad at myself and dejected. All the binge urges came rushing back, so that now I have to really work hard to stay in control, whereas before Saturday, it was all good.

I know I will get over this hurdle.
I know that recovery isn't a straight line.
I know that it doesn't change who I am to my friends or God

But I'm still upset and disappointed. Please send hugs.

Bub

PS, 9000 miles away from T for another 4 weeks.
PPS, I have to get into a bathing suit in 2 weeks.

Doing much better so far this week. Well, not counting Monday because I literally spent half the day in the chair at the salon getting my hair done...but yesterday and today were both pretty good.