Out of control...

So things have been quite out of control lately...it's not going well...
After a couple days of not eating, I've eaten...not binging, but maybe overeating...and then purging quite a bit (add alcohol to the mix). Ugh.

I feel so out of control...the only way I feel in control is by starving myself.

I notice that ed acts up more when alcohol is in the mix. So try to remove the alcohol. Can you request an appointment with a therapist or nutritionalist sooner?

Uh...have appt with my therapist this afternoon. Though I am completely dreading it because in my drunken state last night I emailed her and told her that I was attracted to her...my appt is in less than half an hour and I want to run away. FML

How did it go?

my appointment went better than expected...I went in and she said, "so let's talk about your email" - I said, "I don't want to"
She said that we will be talking about it. I couldn't look at her. Couldn't make eye contact with her.

She actually said that she wasn't surprised about the same-sex attraction stuff, but was surprised about being attracted to her. She asked why I thought I was attracted to her...I said probably because she listens and I feel safe with her. Anyway, she asked what I was so afraid of...I said that I don't know...she said that I do. My biggest fear? Being rejected and judged. She said she isn't running. She said she didn't email me and tell me not to come. I said that she should have.

Anyway it went well...and I see her next week.

Awesome!
Alcohol definitely doesn't help things. I have had my longest purge-free stretches in sobriety.
EDs are all about control. It's not about food, or dieting, or our bodies. Our bodies are just the warfields. I hope your therapy progresses well and congratulations for being brave enough to go to your appointment anyway. That took a lot of guts.

thank you. it was very difficult.

yes...ED is definitely about control. I feel in control when I am restricting. and when I am eating and purging...i feel completely out of control. i hate it.

I don't know how to make all of this stuff stop.

Well I've been good with no alcohol. Last night my friend wanted me to drink with her and I kept saying no. She finally gave up. Food stuff is still a chaotic mess.

Feel like I've majorly binged - I had four fruit roll ups in the past 10 minutes... Not eating much of anything else it's not much. I just hate feeling out of control like I binged.

I'm taking my boys out of town tomorrow for a couple days and in my head I'm thinking of when/how I will be able to purge because I can't get away with not eating...ugh.

I'm still recovering from anorexia, but one thing that really helps me is being in control of my body when I work out. I went from an unhealthy weight to a healthy weight and gained confidence through my now fit and healthy body. Make your body work for you girl. You can do it.

And if your "friends" keep pressuring you to drink, you need new friends. I discovered my group of "friends" were half the problem. Constantly saying negative things and bashing each other and then drinking to make it go away...definitely does not help the situation. Surround yourself with positive people that encourage you to take control of your life.

The only thing with working out, just as a warning, make sure you get protein before everything else. I collapsed at the gym once in the first few weeks of my new life and work out routine because I wasn't getting nearly enough protein to help my body out.

Having a super healthy in shape body definitely helps with the fear of being rejected and judged too. I really believe exercise saved my life. No longer do I feel that people can judge my body. Why? Cuz I'm in shape and can kick all of their asses.

You'll make it through this. Take control of your life and hang in there!

yeah...i usually can eat better when i am exercising...though i tend to get obsessive about it...so i am kind of afraid to start that again...though i have been wanting to start exercising again (and start using my YMCA membership that I am paying for)...i am overweight right now...and I have been told that i need to lose weight. it's so hard to need to lose weight...try to lose weight...and try to recover.

one extreme to another...i can't make myself eat...and of course it's even more difficult because i am alone...no one to see that I am not eating. I ended up not going to breakfast this morning -- some ladies from bible study were going. I couldn't bear to go. Just told them I wasn't feeling well.

usually the self-harm and suicidal thoughts dissipate when I stop eating...but not yet so far...I see my T this afternoon...

It's all about control......just depends on what we choose to control it seems from my own personal experience......would rather be in control of a body in good shape & getting the right exercise & food, but it doesn't seem that easy when one's lifestyle isn't easily controlled & has no schedule or direction......

Keep working at it.....if you have some good periods, maybe they can be the ones to focus on & try to continue in that path & hold onto it for dear life.

with the depression, restriction, etc, my T suggested going to the hosptial. I haven't been able to get in with a pdoc - been trying but can't, so i am starting to wonder if i need to go to the hospital, just so i can see a doctor and get some med adjustments.

i don't feel like me right now. i feel like i'm not actually in me. i feel like i am no one.

Restricting isn't even the right word...probably starvation fits better but I don't like to admit that. Restriction makes it sound like I'm actually eating even it it's not much

going to see T. have a feeling i will be going to the hospital tonight....because of the depression and suicidal thoughts, and then the not eating, and the occasional purging.

and the fact that it will be at LEAST one month before I can see a psychiatrist. I think my meds need adjusting.

My biggest fear of going to the hospital is they will make me eat.

I went inpatient for psych reasons and not my ED. they did not make me eat although they did encourage me to. Before I was discharged, my social worker was trying to get me into an ED program, but the closest one was Iowa and it was left to me to figure out insurance issues. By the time this happened, I needed to have all my referral papers redone. Needless to say that didn't happen and I have been working closely with my t and dietician and am doing pretty good.

If going to the hospital means getting your meds straightened out then go. I see my pdoc on Wednesday and could very well end up in the hospital or partial hospital program. Whatever happens, know that I am thinking of you.

At ER now. Hopefully this hospital is good. Didn't want to go to the local hospital so I drove an hour and a half.

went to the hospital for a few days. got med changes. got a little bit of hope.
i traveled to a different city in order to get better help, and the hospital bit was good. at first they were going to try to set me up with pdoc and DBT therapist/group in a city about an hour from where I live. They also said my T isn't qualified to help me because she is an intern, though we have a good therapeutic relationship and I feel like I can really trust her.

anyway, so then they (pdoc and social worker at the hospital) decide to pursue follow up in my town...at the same place i was seeking help before (where I went in last week and told them I wasn't ok, couldn't get in the walkin appointments and my case manager just let me walk out in tears). So now..>I get to meet with said case manager on Tuesday morning. Was told that this place can provide me "mental health support" a couple times a week and should never refuse to see someone in a crisis situation. blah blah blah

I don't know....feeling hopeless again.