Hi I need something, someone, Idk. I just want to cry.

Hi I am Dylan, I am feeling very melancholic and just very sad too. I just had very numbing news that another girl I really liked who liked me just moved away to New York City. I found this out last minute and I give up on talking to girls. I mean yeah I try so hard to look good enough for any girl. I hate feeling so shallow, I always get girls who are crazy for me that are really ugly, like I feel so horrible for them and how guilty I feel like this all the time. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder, I choose not to leave my house, because I don't want to happen again like it did over countless times in a row. This rejection and feeling ugly makes me feel like nothing. I never could take rejection well even as a toddler. I always tried to dress nice, classy, fancy etc. I loved feeling attractive all the time. I hate it so much too, because I feel very ugly at the same time even though everyone says I am not like girls I am friends with or dudes etc. I usually when I feel like a girl goes always for my best friends and ignore me all together I usually put all girls that I think are so pretty in the category that I am ugly. I really hate who I am, I thought when I was little that I should try to work on my skills and personality, but even though I am extremely talented musical genius and can do anything I want being very social butterfly with a genuine heart I have for people I care about even if I don't know them. I still feel this way. Like no matter what I do, I am very ugly and just want to forget what I look like. It basically started after I had a huge crush this girl for 12 years ago and after her bullying me when I was 7 I took my anger out on her one day and always regretted it. I felt so guilty, because I was severely abused by a neighborhood kid who I was close friends with who raped and beat me when I was a 4 year old. She always called me a "Fag" all the time and try to make me cry, but I found out later she really liked me a lot deep inside she just didn't want to show it. It was kind of like "Hey Arnold with Helga and Arnold kind of thing," but the biggest difference was I had a vision when I was 5 bout me proposing to her. I didn't even knew any hint of her existence. Then when I was 7 and met her the first time my heart sank. I was a kid, it was a scary feeling and unknown that I really felt that I love her more than anything, because I felt like I knew her all my life and at the time. I was aching and cried a lot because I felt ugly around her. Extremely beautiful girl and she still is. What made it worse with my abuse stuff I went through I didn't want her to know bout it or me, because she wouldn't like me anymore. It was how I felt bout my parents too, they treated me like I was a messed up monster after they found out about my neighbor when I was 6. After second grade I had suffered a huge overwhelming feeling of ugliness. I was anorexic as a boy from 7 to 14 years old. It got much worse in 6th grade after having mono I ended up in 8th grade being under 90 Lbs and in 6th grade I weighed as much as a kindergartner. That wasn't all I always at the same time worked on making myself attractive as possible b4 getting ready for school. I found it very difficult to do any day to day task all throughout my life still without worrying how I will look to someone else. Yeah I know it seems like I always wanted someones approval, but wouldn't you think I should, I barely got any praise on my looks or who I am or what not. I had all my relationships with girls and dates that ended up like hell for me, because I didn't feel good enough or guilty still, because I only felt happy around Katelyn when I was younger. The guilt weighed on me so much I finally told her the truth bout what happened at school, I told her the dream, and how I truly feel bout her still. I still get butterflies bout her and she and I became friends again now. She is dating someone, but I am willing to wait forever going through hell for her. I did it before I can do it again. I am sorry, but I don't leave my house anymore, because I get rejected in the most messed up way as possible. Like I hate where I live because people are assholes here and I just want a girl who is my best friend not just someone who says they are and I am their convenience. What I am so sad about I show and give love, but haven't felt it back. I just don't want to be old and everyone I know is gone and I still am in this position feeling like this.

Thanks, I just want to cry now and forget bout today.
I appreciate the help.
Bye

Are you able to get help with any of these issues?

Nope I never had help. I'm bout to be 20 and still do everything on my own completely. I never had an emotional connection to feel comfortable and I have to type a lot of information or else I don't feel good enough or anything get better. I just pretend that I have a friends or people who care until someone shows up sooner or later. Seriously I try to be a good person, but people mistaken how I come off and who I am as a sign to make prejudemental stuff thinking I am not good enough basically. I truly hate myself, because today I want to go to this girl's house and hang out to be in a warm house for once. She is ignoring me altogether, because it's too cold or she is sick. I mean I seriously don't have help. I won't have a therapist or afford one anyways. I can't get help, because that money goes to my food and basics to make my life bearable. I have supportive people in my life, but they aren't good at anything with that. So I just hang out with them. I just got used to being forever stuck in my head alone with this.

Have you tried your community health services?