[berkut]

I am struggling with an eating disorder, which I honestly thought couldn't happen to me. I'm not super deep in, but it's become my self-injury of choice, since I can't do anything that will leave marks. Most of the time I'm okay, but I have bad mood swings/triggers sometimes and that makes me not eat because I need to hurt myself.

Ironically I'm a fat activist, and I have historically had a very healthy relationship with food. I thought there was a place for everything in one's eating, and I enjoyed food without assigning a moral value to it. I'm comfortable with my body- I feel guilty for taking out my emotional pain on it.

I started a secret thinspo board on Pinterest, which has now sprouted another secret board, a how-to of anorexia and bulimia. I find myself reading them over and over when I feel bad. I've restricted my calories to under 1000 several days, which has the weird effect of making me really cold by the end of the day.

I posted in relationships about the dysphoria I feel when I'm turned down sexually by my partner- that's my number one trigger. Also when I think about initiating but don't because he'll refuse me. Today I've had a cup of coffee- I did put sugar in it and not Splenda, so that's something- but now I'm hungry, and I'm just feeling it and feeling good about it. I don't like this, I'm afraid, I already have this long history of suicidal thoughts and I know this is dangerous.

I have told my partner about this, I'm pretty sure he doesn't get it though. His family is very big on dieting and orthorexia. But I'm glad I'm telling y'all about it. I'm glad you are here and I can learn good things from you.

[Victoria'smom]

using an eating disorder as self harm quickly becomes an eating disorder and needing to find another way to self harm. Take your 2 boards down. Most of us are its okay for everyone else but not us as far as weight goes. You have to always have a fruit or vegetable around with you.

[utterlyconfused]

I feel the same as you. I have no clue how I got this bad. I've never been so obsessed with weight/food before...I just don't know how to take it. I will tell you something that I have been told many, many times. "You need food to survive." Going under 1,200 calories isn't healthy. That is the bare minimum people are supposed to eat. I know from experience that going prolonged periods with eating less than that amount really does affect your health. I usually get dizzy, start blacking out a bit, I get shaky, and I get really tired and irritable. Its not a road you want to go down. It seems like you are early enough that you can nip it in the bud... so try your best to do so!

One thing that does help is writing, or doing something artistic to channel your feelings in a healthier way. It really helps me, but I definitely agree with miguelsmom... delete those threads... they do nothing but feed your eating disorder. I hope things start to turn around for you soon!