[SoupDragon]

l guess l have food issues, l go from over eating to fasting. l hate myself when l over eat and feel best about myself when fasting.

l had a tooth removed on Monday and my mouth is still sore. l can't bear the feeling of food in my mouth, it feeIs too sore to chew.

So l am feeling pleased with myself, l know the longer l fast, the easier it becomes (I an overweight at the moment).

However this is supposed to be a new phase of honesty with my T. l am so wanting to hang on to how l am doing now and am scared about talking to him about this. l am scared of eating, scared of T asking about food, scared of losing this control l have right now,

l want to be honest with T, but my head is telling me to lie, telling me he won't understand how it is for me, but l am worried about looking thinner, of being discovered-

It all seems so ridiculous when l write it down, not rational, yet it sounds so loud and clear in my head

[maddnessreturns]

The part of you saying you need to lie etc is not the good part. It's the eating disorder (or whatever you want to say) part of you. And it doesn't ridiculous at all. I thought I always sounded that way until I went to eating disorder group therapy and heard the exact same thought process from others. It's stopping the thought process and challenging it. Being able to tell the difference between the lies the eating disorder are telling you and the logical healthy reaction. I hope you get to feeling better and can be honest with your T.

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[waggiedog]

Hello and good evening from London, UK. O dear, YES YES YES, as our other friend SoupDragon pointed out ~ this is absolutely typical of the beginning of what could turn out to be a nasty eating disorder. Eating disorders can, and do, kill and I'm not just talking about the anorexic person mentioned in the press. Your ED is already speaking to you, she will sound like, and pretend to be your friend ~ she isn't.

I'm honestly not being harsh darling, it's just that I know because I've had all of the various types of ED's over the last 33 years, and I still have a serious ED now. I was first hospitalised 33 years ago for depressions and anorexia, there were in~patient treatments in the following years with other traits like self~harm and overdoses. I'm assuming that you are young and I'd absolutely HATE for you to live your life as I have. Honestly, I DO UNDERSTAND that you become thrilled if you manage to go for long lengths of time not eating, I KNOW the feeling of euphoria! I too used to hide my weight loss and sometimes my weight gain. Yes, I did/and do gain weight due to the bulimic part of my ED. I know that you will be frightened of telling someone the truth because you're worried they will try and stop you starving, that's natural. If you still feel that you are frightened to let anyone in on your regime, then it's already got you in it's clutches. Please please think carefully about what's been said here, I'd hate you to end up depressed and physically ill. Do come back and let us know how you are getting along. It doesn't matter which direction you take, I'd still like to support you either way. If you want to message me or send a PM, that's fine by me.

[spondiferous]

In my experience, disordered eating is all about control...if my emotional life is out of whack, eating something will help distract me from what is happening so I don't have to deal with the discomfort of it. It makes things in my life less scary. I have done so much work on myself in the last ten years especially...sober for eight years, drug free just as long, non-smoker for 6 1/2, and now I'm still living with this damn eating disorder. And I notice that when I am not relying on my ED to cope with stuff, the world seems a lot scarier. I feel somehow like I am more in control when I am overeating, which of course is completely the opposite because I hate how I feel when I'm full. I feel even more in control when I'm purging, but then that's also a paradox because just underneath the surface is the fire that rages dangerously out of control. As waggiedog mentioned, the control is just an illusion. It's nothing more. And if you can spot that early, you're better off. You don't mention how long you've been dealing with this. For me, it's been multiple decades. And even with all of the knowledge I have and the recovery work I've done, including around my ED, I still have behaviours I often cannot control. So...be honest with T. And if it helps you, think of it this way: just because you're being honest doesn't mean you have to change anything else, if that's too big for you. It just means that you are taking one small step for yourself, and that's never a bad thing.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by waggiedog

Hello and good evening from London, UK. O dear, YES YES YES, as our other friend SoupDragon pointed out ~ this is absolutely typical of the beginning of what could turn out to be a nasty eating disorder. Eating disorders can, and do, kill and I'm not just talking about the anorexic person mentioned in the press. Your ED is already speaking to you, she will sound like, and pretend to be your friend ~ she isn't.

I'm honestly not being harsh darling, it's just that I know because I've had all of the various types of ED's over the last 33 years, and I still have a serious ED now. I was first hospitalised 33 years ago for depressions and anorexia, there were in~patient treatments in the following years with other traits like self~harm and overdoses. I'm assuming that you are young and I'd absolutely HATE for you to live your life as I have. Honestly, I DO UNDERSTAND that you become thrilled if you manage to go for long lengths of time not eating, I KNOW the feeling of euphoria! I too used to hide my weight loss and sometimes my weight gain. Yes, I did/and do gain weight due to the bulimic part of my ED. I know that you will be frightened of telling someone the truth because you're worried they will try and stop you starving, that's natural. If you still feel that you are frightened to let anyone in on your regime, then it's already got you in it's clutches. Please please think carefully about what's been said here, I'd hate you to end up depressed and physically ill. Do come back and let us know how you are getting along. It doesn't matter which direction you take, I'd still like to support you either way. If you want to message me or send a PM, that's fine by me.

I am in this place. I am feeling so fat and horrible because I ate something which I don't usually allow myself to. I have gained. I hate myself. I want to talk to my T but she doesnt think its a problem because I look so big. I think she thinks i am wasting her time. She told me to go to the gp which I did and they did blood tests but all came back clear so i feel like I wasted their time. I take laxatives every day.

[Aloneandafraid]

I have been this way for about 25 years. I am sorry to hijack your thread. I just need to reach out as I feel so alone with this. I have got a lot of other stress going on which I think has made things worse for me. I know I need help but i am so ashamed of what I do. I am sorry again for posting here.

[SoupDragon]

Don't apologise, your posts here are welcome. l can relate to what you have written and l am sorry neither your T or GP really heard you.

Soup

[eskielover]

I understand how having your tooth pulled cause the eating issue.....I was sick the other week & food was making me feel sick for days afterwards & it was impossible to eat & when it becomes impossible to eat....it drive the weight down almost immediately since there isn't much weight there in the first place.....but I was able to get back up to a safe weight after going through the trauma with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer. That trauma messed up my eating so bad that I was in the medical hospital for almost 2 months with IV nutrition through a central line.

Triggers that cause the not eating are the triggers that restart the anorexia/ED behaviors. Interesting that you say about your tooth causing this.....I have to have ALL my teeth pulled & have more oral surgery & then get dentures. They pull the teeth & there is 4 months of healing before they will do the 2 lower implants & then 4 more months of healing....with only upper dentures. I have a hard enough time eating normally now while I can still eat normal food even though most of my teeth have broken off & chipped away because of bad enamel that didn't form when my teeth were being formed (inherited & medical reasons).

Honestly, I needed to get my weight to this more stable point before going through all of that.....I can almost surely know that the anorexia will rear it's head during that time.....which I have planned for this coming fall.

I can definitely understand how this has effected you. I have a psychologist who isn't an ED psychologist but focuses on DBT along with my DBT group leader & they know what I went through in the past even though that was back in Calif before I left my H (2100 miles away from there now)....but she constantly checks on how I'm doing with my weight especially if she sees that I'm have lost any weight. It's good to be honest because they can help with reminding us of the skills we need to be using to put ourselves really back in control & not allow the ED to be in control (which in reality isn't us)