How Do You View Your ED?

Hi everyone.
Just wanted to toss this out there because of my own struggles and desire to more clearly define the role of the eating disorder in my life.

I have been struggling to actually call my behaviors an eating disorder. I am definitely someone who needs to have words defined. So when I thought I might have an eating disorder, I kept telling myself that I didn't because I didn't meet all of the diagnostic criteria. So I've slowly come into this understanding that I have an eating disorder. I had conversations with people, sought out resources, and read books.

What stood out most to me was that many people with eating disorders found that calling their eating disorder by a name or viewing them as a separate individual from themselves, was extremely helpful. I see how that has worked for people, but I cannot seem to get on board. A close friend of mine has a friend from her childhood who struggled with anorexia. She found calling anorexia "Ed" to be helpful in her fight. I read the same thing in a book. The person who authored the book called her eating disorder "Ed" as well. So when she struggled to eat or not purge, she would say that she wanted to eat or not purge, but that Ed was not allowing her to do that.

The part of me that understands just how consumptive eating disorders can be understands how tackling it from that perspective would work. But for me personally, I want to take responsibility for my actions and thus, I generally just get to the point where I'm like, Why am I doing this to myself? Why won't I let myself have something to eat? I choose whether or not I eat during the day. And to be honest, I feel like I did this to myself. I responded and coped with my issues by restricting.

So I guess I'm just curious how others see their eating disorder. I spent a lot of time denying that something was wrong and so I think I am in the early stages of just trying to understand the role of this eating disorder in my life, as well as in others' lives.

Thanks!

I'm also not on board with the whole idea of my eating disorder being 'Ed', a separate entity outside of myself. I feel like this view takes a lot of personal responsibility off of the sufferer (me) to work towards recovery. I like Carolyn Costin's idea of the ED being part of yourself, as it was there at one point to serve some sort of purpose. I see myself in two parts: my 'ED self' and my Healthy Self. In order to make steps towards recovery, I have to strengthen the healthy self part of me (squashing the ED self in return!).
Hope that helps. It sure helps me to think of it that way.

That definitely does help. Thank you! I just am trying to understand more about myself and like you said, what kind of purpose this is serving in my life. Right now I feel like the eating disorder kind of comes and goes. The thoughts seem to always be there but the behaviors are better on some days and worse on others. So I just couldn't get on board with the "separate entity" thing.
But your insight certainly helps. Thanks so much!