[lil_bit]

Yesterday, best friend: "yeah i'm over here eating while you starve yourself to death"
Yesterday, mom: "geez scrawny legs..."
today, mom: "Are you taking some wierd diet pill? ARE YOU?!"

why won't they leave me alone? ='( this is terrible with every line they say it's like the walls are closing in on me that much more tightly. 500 calories a day, or close at least, and every single one seems to be a little voice screaming at me "fatty!" "look you did it again! haha!" "listen to them, they're watching you and they'll watch you fall." "look at that stomach, those legs, you still have that flab? you're really not very good at this now are you?"

i'm afraid to weigh myself. the weight is going down but i keep feeling more and more fat. that's irrational, i'm irrational. I so much wish that i had someone to hold my hand and help me, to comfort me. To pin me down when i'm ready to fly away from reality. *sigh* god i wish i knew what "normal" was.

had to vent. blah. does the spiraling ever stop?

[Soidhonia]

((((((((((((((LIL BIT)))))))))))))
I am sorry you are suffering to this degree at this time. I hope you talk to someone about yourdisorder even if it is a school counselor, to get some help that you are needing at this time. Take care Soidhonia

[ickydog2006]

The more weight I lost the more fat I felt and saw on my body. You can't let yourself believe what you see or what you feel always. I force myself to trust the scale, make sure I eat "normally" (or at least somewhat normally), and try to listen to my friends when they tell me I look good.

I know my brain lies to me... sounds like yours does too.

Try to take care

(((((((hugs)))))))

[Oryan]

I'm probably reiterating something you already know...

When we loose weight, we loose evenly all over our bodies.
For example when we loose say an inch off our hips, we also loose an inch off our stomach and waist. So when we're loosing weight we are loosing it propotionally and although we are loosing, proportionally, our hip to waist ratio doesn't change.... therefore, in appearance to ourselves, we still look fat even though the scale and tape measurer show different. We are looking for a point of reference to see some difference that, yes, I see I lost weight. With everything shrinking togather, there is no solid point of reference.

If we are looking to see our hips getting thinner by way of comparing them to our waist, in appearance it won't look like there was any change or vise-versa looking to see a thinner waist by way of comparison to our hips.

We get this idea of what we want to see change on our bodies and we're not seeing what we think we should so we think we're still fat when in actuality we are not.

Keep this in mind and like the last poster, trust the scale or tape measurer. Think about weight training if your not doing that to give yourself a toned look which you'll find very attractive on yourself which is better than the thin frail sickly look. Having muscle, you can eat more without gaining anything also.

Working on the muscles on the side of your thighs, will make your proportions change and give you an even thinner appearance with your waist and keep you from looking sickly from the waste down. For me as a guy, having muscles there keeps my pants up.

Another bad thing that happens from mainly starving one's self is you'll loose muscle with the fat proportionally so your body fat percentage won't change even though your loosing weight. I'm assuming your quite thin all around as it is. I want to give you maybe a different goal by way of working on lean muscle to fat percentage rather than just trying to loose weight. Having muscle, you can eat more without gaining anything because the muscle will burn off any excess while the rest of your body organs will be getting the needed neutrients they may be missing now. You'll both feel better and look better all around. Then like me, I pigged out yesterday at a work luncheon and this morning weighed 1/2 pound less than yesterday morning. It's nice when you can eat and not worry so much about weight gain.

I hope this was somewhat helpful. I know it would be better if you had a real in life friend you could talk to. I think what I'd like with a friend is one who will say, "Well, if you pass out from lack of food or dehydration, I'll be there to help and take care of you."

Oryan

[lil_bit]

hey soidhonia,
actually at the moment i haven't really talked to anyone about it. Kind of bottling it up inside...even though i know this is a terrible idea that will only worsen things in the end. I have one person i might talk to, and am considering it, but he has similar issues and i'd hate to trigger him into anything at all.
thank you for caring,
lil

[lil_bit]

Thanks ickydog,
I'm glad that you can force yourself to believe the scale, it shows that you have true power towards mind over matter. I'm superficial in this sense i suppose, in that i am both drawn to and repelled from the mirror, and unfortunatlely it is what i believe. It's the difference between "believing" and "knowing". I know that i'm "sickly skinny" etc. but i believe that i can be smaller.
thank you again =)

[lil_bit]

Oryan,
Thank you so much for the reply, and the advice. Actually, no, i wasn't aware that weight loss was proportional. perhaps that only further demonstrates my morphed body image because i recall thinking many times "i wish i could lose the weight from *here*, rather than *there*" or something like that.

I like that you said "we" rather than "you" or "people". It's almost a comforting word, like the battle is one that many share rather than one that many look upon and observe.

I'm glad that muscle gain is helping you. that's so great! I make very little sense though...rationality seems to be lost on me. I'm actually AFRAID of muscle gain. Muscles trigger the connotation of "large" or "big" both of which i strongly wish to avoid. Everything I do is toward the goal of "smaller". smaller numbers, smaller "meals", smaller pressure...minimize everything.

Thank you so much for showing me the rational (perhaps..numeric?) side of weight loss. The understanding can be so helpful sometimes.

[desperado]

((((((((((((((((lilbit)))))))))))))))))

The heart has one eye; the brain has a thousand.........it has the potential to deceive you in wicked ways.

Thinking of you. I'll try to send you a longer PM when I have more time. Keep fighting, kiddo; you can beat this.

Love

Des