[ahdm]

I have a question that has been eating away at me (excuse the pun) for a long while..
Here’s a bit of background..

When I was about 7 or 8 years old, I can remember that I was constantly worried about my looks. All of my friends were skinny, and I was the ‘average’ one. Not skinny, but not fat either. Just chubby. I started shaving my legs when I was 9, because I was so self-conscious (I’m dark haired and I thought it was really noticeable on my legs). When P.E. lessons came around, I hated it. I was so shy and embarrassed when I got changed in the classroom. I would often leave my skirt on and put my shorts on underneath first, and take my skirt off after. I used to half-take off my top, and join it up with my P.E. top, so that no-one would see my belly. I was so scared to do P.E., because I could feel my fat wobbling around, and I was so paranoid about others staring at me and thinking how disgusting I was. I did used to get bullied a lot, especially by specific girls in year 6 who, honestly, had a vendetta against me. In about year 4, when I was 8 years old, I started skipping breakfast.
I got into high school, but that ‘baby fat’ that everyone went on about never disappeared, and I seemed to only get larger. The bullying continued on into high school, and got progressively worse. I still didn’t used to eat breakfast, and eventually I stopped eating lunch all together. I was so scared to eat in front of others. My evening meal was all I would eat. I used to walk to school and back, but I didn’t lose any weight. The bullying still continued, and thus started the binging. I sometimes used to take money from my mum’s purse (awful behaviour, I know) and after school, I would spend that money on sweets, crisps and chocolate. I used to do this almost every day for a long time, and I would either eat it on the way home, or I would hide in my room and eat all of it. It stopped for a while, but started again in year 10. It stopped altogether in year 11. But at that point, I would take food such as crisps that mum had bought with the weekly shop, and I would hide in my room and eat them all. Almost always while reading, or watching a DVD.

When I was about 12, I started obsessing over food. I thought about it all the time.
Then came my 13th birthday. After that point, I’d found ‘thinspo’ and ‘pro-ana’ websites, and continued to skip breakfast and lunch. I started obsessing over the number of calories in food. I joined a gym when I was 16. But that quickly stopped because I wasn’t losing weight, and I was scared and paranoid about what others thought of me: ‘fatty’, ‘pig’, ‘ugly’ etc.

I ‘fasted’ for about 3 days in January last year, with one of my friends. Then she said she didn’t want to be my friend anymore, and everything went downhill from there. I gained over a stone in a year, and I binged an awful lot, every single day. I would binge until the point where I felt so sick and full.

Earlier this year, I fasted for 6 days, and continued after that to eat only 500 calories a day. I lost some weight, but it quickly came back.

I feel like I’m stuck in a never-ending cycle, and I really want to get out of it.

I am now 18 years old. Here is what is going on now:
• I obsess over food on a daily basis – its all I can think about
• I obsess over calories – every time I consider eating something, I am constantly thinking about how many calories are in that coffee, or in that sandwich.
• I binge almost every day of the week, often in the evenings
• I don’t eat breakfast or lunch, except before exams.
• I feel immensely guilty after eating e.g. I had a banana and some plain yoghurt this morning. You’d think that is a healthy breakfast, but I still feel incredibly guilty and I wish I never ate it.
• I have ‘thinspo’ on my phone.
• I am convinced my life would be so much better if I was skinny.
• I am depressed and have (quite severe imo) anxiety.
• If I go out, for example, with my dad, I have anxiety over food, and what people will think of what I’m eating.

I am sorry it is so long, but do you think this sounds like an eating disorder?
I am incredibly scared to tell anyone about this. I tried in the past, but nothing was done about it. I am embarrassed and ashamed about this. I would really appreciate it if you would answer my question… Thank you.

[Ruftin]

Hello (((ahdm))). Yes this is an eating disorder coupled with low self esteem and unrealistic views of ones self brought on by years of bullying. Therapy is definitely something to consider before your binging turns to something worse. Tell your family and keep reaching out for help. I wish you the best.

[finding_my_way]

it definitely sounds like it to me. i am sorry you are struggling with that torment.

i struggled with anorexia and other symptoms for seven years, sometimes three or four behaviors at once. it was complete hell.

it took me three years into it full blown before i realized i was in deep trouble and desperate to make it stop. unfortunately, at that point i was already so far in that i could not get the adequate help needed since there wasn't the level of care i needed available to me.

i would encourage you to seek professional help/support because it sounds like you might be at a point where you could use it and it might be of benefit.

i have found some things below for you to check out.

NEDA has the option to chat with a professional (or phone) if you are in the US:

NEDA Support Groups | National Eating Disorders Association

mentor connect can give you access to peer support and also weekly online chats:

MentorCONNECT, eating disorders mentoring, Shannon Cutts, Beating Ana, pro recovery support community - Join

the looking glass foundation (based out of canada) has a free support chat (more just a free for all type of chat and not always someone is there):

LGF Online Chat | Providing Support and Resources For Those Suffering From Eating Disorders

ANAD has a list of in-person support groups around the US and the option to contact someone via phone or email for information:

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders

hope you can find something somewhere where you live to try to help with this. i understand how lonely and scary it is and how much it takes away from your life.