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I went to residential treatment May 4, 2016. I was discharged from their program on August 24, 2016. I have been struggling these last few weeks with eating. My dietician and therapist have me keep track of what I eat and my thoughts on Recovery Record, where they can look at it. I have been having VERY strong urges to stop eating all together again. I have so many feelings that I don't understand and don't feel like I can even identify them. All I know is I'm in a lot of pain. All I can think about is over exercising and heavily restricting. I've been fighting so hard to try not to act on this, but my intake is slowly shrinking as the days go by. I feel like my dietician will be angry with me. She always tells me to Challenge the eating disorder thoughts, but I feel like I have been, and I feel like I'm barely making it. I'm also scared my therapist will overreact and tell me I need to go to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, but my dietician specializes in that and also tells me that it doesn't matter whether someone specializes b.c. it's all interconnected. The trauma, the eating disorder, the self harm. They're all just symptoms. I don't want to feel abandoned by another person I felt like I could trust. My mind is driving me crazy. Along with all of this, I've been preoccupied with thoughts of death. I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time. I'm in school, which I love. My work is getting better b.c. I have new bosses. I just got a raise. A lot of good things have been happening, but I still feel stuck in misery and pain. I'm not sure if it's my BPD that won't allow me to be happy, but good feelings never seem to last very long for me. Especially when I'm alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost.
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Jan 13, 2017, 10:01 PM
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.
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