[Dennis17]

My name is Ethan.
I may never actually post this. I have a bad habit of starting things I know I will never finish, whether it be writing novels, starting a podcast, or whatever random idea I have in my head.
But I'm going to try my damnedest to finish this.
I am 18 years old, going on 19 in may. I have a beautiful girlfriend. I love her and her family so much I would kill for them. I have a few close friends who I trust with almost anything, a decently stable job, and ambitions to be a writer.
Also, my life, mental state, and body is falling apart. And nobody seems to understand why, not excluding myself.

When I was around 8 years old, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and given a generic brand of Ritalin. While I do believe ADHD is grossly over-diagnosed, (especially among young naive males)
I do not doubt for one second that I have it.

If you are still reading I want to thank you in advance. I have no idea where this is going, I haven't slept in 40+ hours or eaten anything in two days. Not trying to pine for sympathy, but I do believe those facts explain the hectic format for this little excerpt of mine.

By the time I was 8, my parents had divorced, I moved 4 states and 12+ houses, and I stayed on the Ritalin. (I promise, once again, this is not a pity party, I just want guidance).
For some reason, I always felt guilty that my parents divorced.
They were not abusive. They did not do drugs or alcohol. They did not at all shoulder any of the blame for the failed marriage onto me or my brother. The transition was almost so quick and surreal that I didn't even realize it was actually happening.

And for some reason, even being an 8 year old boy, I wasn't mad at my parents or even upset with the divorce like most kids are. I even remember feeling empathetic, telling my mom that if she wasn't happy then she shouldn't be married to my dad. I obviously explained this in a very premature way, but I did feel it.
The divorce was easy for me. I don't even think I cried.

But after, I felt guilt. I remember drives in the car with my mom, me being in the back with my brother in the front, and all of a sudden I would get this forceful and almost violent urge to apologize to my mother for nothing.
"I'm sorry mom", I would say, over and over.
This frustrated and concerned my mom, and I could never explain to her why I was sorry. But I was.

Fast forward to me being 13, I lived with my Dad again. He had a new wife, a woman I will not speak on because she and I have and never will get along. One night, she was angered that I took a pen from her drawer without asking, and I swore at her amidst the heat of an argument.
She tried to slap me, I moved my hand, and me being a nasty 13 year old boy, my long uncut fingernails scratched her head.
I have no reason to lie in this writing. I did NOT do this purposely.
She called the police regardless, and had me checked into a mental health facility that night.
Obviously being 13, hormonal, in the back of a cop car, angry and confused, I was not in my best manners at the hospital.

Seeing my disturbed state, the doctors promptly diagnosed me as "Bi-Polar" in roughly 15-20 mins, scaled off of my exaggerated emotional state.

So after this, I'm on Ritalin, Olanzapine, Straterra, Depacote, and citalophram. (Please excuse the butchering of the spelling of these medications.)

Years pass, and I start experimenting with drugs.
I've tried Marijuana, Cocaine, MDMA, Meth (Accidentally, the MDMA was cut), DMT, Percocet, adderall, Xanax, alcohol with muscle relaxers, spice, and many more regrettables.
I was out of control, selling my belongings to get high, and stealing from my parents.

In my junior year of highschool I straightened out briefly, only to reach my lowest point.

I smoked a blunt and snorted ambien, blacked out, and then I beat my dad up as he was trying to console me. I knew from that day I had to stop.

So they cut down all my medications to just 2, the Ritalin generic, and Olanzapine, for "Bi-Polar".
I started to gain weight, almost freakishly.
I was eating constantly, sometimes 5-6 meals a day, eating whole entire meals all through the night after already eating everything my parents made for me.

I was never obese, but I did become self conscious. I lost my bony jawline that I always loved, got very pudgy, and lost all confidence in myself.

So I started throwing up, and that just made me dread eating all together.
So I decided to quit the olanzapine, cold turkey.
Within that 11th grade year ending and my senior year beginning, I played basketball everyday, obsessively. I would starve myself, stay up late shooting hoops outdoors, and play full games with people at the YMCA.
I lost a lot in one summer, which is something I doubt many 17 year old boys mark as a milestone or priority.

And now.. I'm graduated, and coming to terms with the fact that I have an eating disorder.
I avoid eating, and I feel sick when I do. I'm almost 6 feet tall, and I only ***** and that number continues to go down by the week.
The oddest thing for me is understanding why I do this, and what I'm more scared of- Being overweight or underweight. I realize I have a problem. I need to eat.
But if I check the scale one day, and I notice I went from *****, I will be upset, and want the number to go down.

I know realistically I should want to gain weight and be healthy, but something about seeing that weight go up just makes me want to stop eating and lose it all over again.

Now, I only eat or sleep when I smoke pot. If not, I will be up all night, either with racing thoughts or with hunger pain, then forced to take two meds instead of one in the morning to get through work, which in turn also destroys any chance at an appetite, just to crash around 1AM and repeat the process all over again.

I can honestly say I felt more healthy when I was a drug addict.
I need help. I am severely depressed and dreadful for my future, and I cannot figure out why I do this to myself. I can't go to my parents.

Doctors, mainly physiatrists, are evil creatures who I don't trust. Therapists are crooks who create fake alternate realities of your past to make you rationalize with yourself why you are the way you are , and hand in a check in the process.

I need help. And at this point I will take any suggestions. Thank you for reading.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Ethan: I see this was your first post here on PC. (I'm sorry you're only now receiving your first reply.) Anyway... that said... welcome to PsychCentral! Assuming you're still with us, I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Unfortunately, I don't know as there is a lot I can suggest here. You've clearly been through a lot in your young life. It's going to take time & effort to work though all of it. From what you wrote, it sounds like you have no faith or trust in doctors (psychiatrists in particular) or therapists. I can't say as I blame you. I'm not a fan either. However, short of finding a therapist you can trust & work with, I'm not sure what the alternative is.

The possibility that you have an eating disorder appears to be a major concern for you currently. Perhaps looking into the possibility of being evaluated at an eating disorders program might be worthwhile. Here are links to 3 eating disorders screening quizzes from PsychCentral's archives:

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/eating-disorder-quiz/

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/eating-disorders-quiz/

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/eating-attitudes-test/

May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[Teddy Bear]

Welcome to PC

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It's good to meet you. Thanks for sharing your story.

I'd start with a medical doctor that you can talk to. Rule out any physical problems. Then go from there. Glad you got brave enough to post. Welcome!