[inkblot]

Do I enjoy this? Why do these habits feel "fun" to do? Why does it seem to be the right thing to do? Why do I wish to continue what I'm doing when it scares me? There are a lot of thoughts, questions and reasons for "what" or "why" with eating disorders. There are a lot of emotions and feelings, too. I'm embarrassed to admit anything about bulimic type behaviors. Yet, I freely admit to my therapist that I don't eat. I almost enjoy not eating. I have better things to do. It feels as if I don't need to. I like to tell myself, it hasn't killed me yet. At my last appointment, my therapist asked how my heart was doing. My heart gets a little jumpy if I have a sugar-overload, or maybe pains/palpitations from overdoing physical activity. You know what I told him? I said, "Well, it's still beating. I'm still alive." I'm not sure what he thought of that answer. I meant it out of seriousness, but more humorously. I often use humor like that. My therapist asked me once how I was eating. I told him, "With my mouth." That time I was trying to avoid--or more like, postpone--the inevitable with humor. I usually come up with better things to say, particularly when I am in a really good mood. I don't necessarily know or understand why I feel the "need" to do what I do. It makes me feel better. I realize that eating disorders give us a sense of control. I can see that. We control how much we eat. But deeper than that, why did I "need" to eat only 140 calories the other day? What makes me decide to stop consuming around 300-350 calories? How about if I go up to 500? I ate a bagel yesterday morning, then decided that was it. I think it was about 180 calories. Late that afternoon, I decided to give in to the luxury of a (large) shake from McDonald's. I saw the parfait while looking at the menu, so I picked up one of those for later. Later came after a few hours. By then, my mind had been telling me that I might as well go all the way and have more to eat. I went to the freezer and pulled out a fast frozen kid's dinner for the microwave that one of my kid's turned down our last visit. Eventually, I had the idea that I was having such a good time, that it would be fun to pop a pill (or two, max dose) to speed things through. I don't know what makes that a "fun" idea. After the fact, I begin to wonder why did I have to do that? I started getting scared. My chest hurts when I don't eat, and it's been hurting or sore often enough lately. Consuming all that food, of course, made my heart starting palpating and pounding some, and my chest hurt. I've got pills for that, but I was too afraid to take them. I've never had any tests done--the doctor just gave me a prescription and sent me on my way. I never told him about my eating habits, and since this doesn't happen every day, all the time, he decided it was probably nothing significant. It doesn't happen every day because I stopped exercising every day a long time ago. There are times when I do eat more regularly, so during those times I don't notice things as much either, but I can. My chest still bothers me today. I even decided to put a few frozen pancakes in the microwave this morning, and added lite syrup. While the freezer was open, I spied ears of corn. I've decided to have some of that to eat tonight. I don't know if I will have anything else, but I will make myself have the corn. I think that I might stop on the way home and pick something else up on the way--maybe a shake, or sandwich, something. Maybe a taco. I am in my 30's, but I really need to grow up. I am afraid for my future, afraid for the future of my children. I fear telling anyone about what I've done, but I want to. I am too afraid. Can't therapy work even if I don't admit everything? Couldn't he still figure it out without me having to be embarrassed? I am temporarily not able to even see my therapist due to a new lack of insurance. My child's therapist will "take over" and give me a few extra minutes in the room with him, but it's not the same. I don't want to tell these things to him. If I have to admit anything, I would rather it be with my own therapist. On the other hand, I do still feel that my child's therapist has a right to know. He can better treat my child and watch for other potential problems if he know's the parents' history. An eating disorder is a complex of mental and physical things that is hard to treat and very hard to accept.

[Rapunzel]

There is a book you might find a few ideas in, The Secret Language of Eating Disorders, by Peggy Claude-Pierre. Her theory is that eating disorders involve what she calls the "negative mind" and the way it makes suggestions and bosses around the "true self," not allowing the victim to eat and take care of themself, while insisting on harmful things like bulimic behaviors and excessive exercise. Maybe there is something to it - those compulsions to do harmful things (and I think that other maladaptive behaviors are not significantly different) have to come from somewhere, don't they?

You have been very honest with us here. I worry about you and your health, but I don't think less of you, and I hope that you don't feel embarassed. It is important to tell your doctors and therapists these things too. They might be able to guess at some of it, but they can't read your mind, and even though you give them hints, they still need you to tell them. The need to keep part of the truth to yourself also goes back to that "negative mind" thing. But you don't want the "negative mind" to win, so you need to be honest about what is going on and let someone help you. It's important for you and also for your kids.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

[itsjustme111]

Dear inkblot; I feel for what you are going through. You made a comment about needing to grow up; I don't think that is the case. You are right when you say eating disorders are difficult. It takes over our lives and I know how hard it is. I wish you all the best and luck with this. I am dealing with similar issues, I can't offer much advise, but I understand and my thoughts are with you.