Still forming thoughts

I hate posting in these forums, it feels like an admittance of guilt. Well mea cupla.

I had a long talk with my therapist today, I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about it but I came clean about a lot of things. But mostly the problem with me and food, and he agreed there is a problem and it’s all connected. I wrote down me feelings because writing them or typing them helps me sort them out so this is what I’ve come up with.

I can’t eat like a normal person. It’s either eat everything or eat nothing, with very little middle ground. Sometimes I under eat to make up a day of over eating, or vice versa. I feel terrible after I eat, like guilty that I ate. And sometimes I feel like I should punish myself for eating. I must love food because I eat so much of it. I’m always thinking about food. How much have I eaten today? When can I eat again, and what? But I also hate food. It makes me feel terrible, it makes me fat! To me that’s the worst part. I have a horrible figure, I hate my body because it’s so fat. The only solution I’ve found is “eating like a bird”. Although I have to winder what is normal, too much, or not enough. Food has become my enemy.

And yeah. The conclusion just was it’s a problem. Can’t call it an eating disorder though, because something about needing to see a doctor and the physical symptoms. Which is both annoying and releaving. Because it’s nice not to have that hanging over my head, but also it almost seems like no one would take me seriously unless I can say it’s and ED. I’m still forming thoughts over all this.

Because in truth, I am that monster.
We are an awkward little system that obsesses over things. We are Sam, Beyond, Stacy, Kevin, Kitty, Shannon,Link, Peyita, Stephen, Nicole, Damon, Pumpkin, Illonor, Daran,LIly. Feel free to send random cute things.

Dear rise13eyond,

I can definitely empathize. Sorry you are struggling. I try not to feel guilty or at least try to moderate my guilt related to eating.

The brain is definitely involved in eating behavior even when there is nothing that could be linked to brain pathology.

I think we are only totally responsible for things we do wholeheartedly. Most people I know with eating struggles are divided inside. Part of them wants to eat and part of them doesn't.

In ethics, behavior which is conflicted and not wholehearted is not something a person is totally responsible for so responsibility is diminished and also appropriate guilt.

The idea of conflicted behavior is expressed in a little moral tale.

A ship captain is paid to transport cargo to a destination. To receive payment he needs to deliver that cargo on his ship. There are also some passengers on his ship. After a bad storm it becomes necessary to throw the cargo overboard into the sea in order to save the lives of the passengers.

Does the captain "want" to do this? Yes and no. He obviously doesn't "want" to lose all the money that will be lost if he gets rid of the cargo. But he "wants" to save the lives of the passengers and so he dumps the cargo in the ocean. His behavior is conflicted and divided and not wholehearted.

In ethics, lack of whole heartedness results in diminished responsibility and guilt.

Since you struggle with eating difficulties that you never asked for I do not believe you can be held totally responsible for your actions.

Not everything is will power. We are finite. Our knowledge, awareness, circumstances and freedom are limited. We are not all-knowing, all-powerful, all-perfect Infinite Beings. I hope you will be gentle on yourself and remember that you are just a finite being. You are free but not infinitely free.

Don't know if this is helpful or not. It helps me a lot in my struggles.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen