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MuddyBoots
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Heart Nov 23, 2023 at 09:56 AM
  #1
I can't stand it I can't stand it I can't stand it.

No puedo comer. Thanksgiving. ****. S wants me to partake. I already had some yogurt at 2am so I don't want to eat anymore today. This is so ****ing frustrating. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

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Default Nov 23, 2023 at 10:34 AM
  #2
I lost a few pounds overnight but I think its because of the other medical stuff I have going on. Although my therapist will scream ED, I'm sure.

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Unhappy Nov 23, 2023 at 12:46 PM
  #3
I have realized in order for me to heal my pain with food I need to heal my emotional pain

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Everyone can do magic - Cassie Nightgale the good witch.

Dear Diary today will be different today I can smile it will be genuine because today is the day I get to live.

This life will be good and beautiful, but not without heartbreak.

In death come peace. But pain is the cost of living.

Like love, it's how we know we're alive.

And life goes on.

That my life weird, messy, complicated, sad, wonderful, amazing, and above all epic and I owe all to Stephen. - Eleanor Gilbert Vampire Diaries
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Default Nov 23, 2023 at 07:56 PM
  #4
Apparently the pictures I take everyday is unhealthy body checking and not progress pictures. At least according to something I read on Reddit.

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MuddyBoots
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Default Nov 24, 2023 at 03:10 AM
  #5
Thanksgiving ****ing sucked! It turned into binging, which turned into purging and cutting. I tried the self care thing my therapist always says when I'm going into difficult situations (take out, dinners, etc) but I was literally purging in the shower and self harming listening to music so I need better ways to self care.

---

edit: I'M GONNA GET BETTTER!!!
Next week. It's gonna start with a banana. Half a banana. In a smoothie.

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If any chord that I could strum
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Last edited by MuddyBoots; Nov 24, 2023 at 04:34 AM..
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Unhappy Nov 24, 2023 at 03:11 PM
  #6
sometimes listening to TLC unpretty helps with my struggles with my unhealthy body image

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Everyone can do magic - Cassie Nightgale the good witch.

Dear Diary today will be different today I can smile it will be genuine because today is the day I get to live.

This life will be good and beautiful, but not without heartbreak.

In death come peace. But pain is the cost of living.

Like love, it's how we know we're alive.

And life goes on.

That my life weird, messy, complicated, sad, wonderful, amazing, and above all epic and I owe all to Stephen. - Eleanor Gilbert Vampire Diaries
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MuddyBoots
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Default Nov 25, 2023 at 03:08 AM
  #7
You know what?
I don't want to get better.
I enjoy this sick ****.
Possible trigger:

How ****ed up is that?

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Default Nov 25, 2023 at 09:18 AM
  #8
Tonight I'm meant to be having takeout, and I've said to myself all day I won't eat anything until it comes so I can feel hungry when it arrives- I've just eaten an entire chocolate Toblerone So..
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MuddyBoots
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Default Nov 26, 2023 at 05:50 AM
  #9

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If any chord that I could strum
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Default Nov 28, 2023 at 07:17 AM
  #10
Meal planning was sooo freaking stressful last night and I'm not going to lie there were some curses flying and tears crying, and I'm not happy with how many calories are in my day but I think it'll prevent any binging and it'll raise my blood sugar a little so here's hoping.

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Default Nov 28, 2023 at 01:08 PM
  #11
I'm listening to this historian on CNN go on and on and its making me really want an iced latte. And I'm wondering if its because when I was a kid and I would listen to historians on school trips it was also boring and all I could think about was lunch.

So idk. Maybe I just gave myself some dumb free cbt **** or something.

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Default Nov 28, 2023 at 01:17 PM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
thanks!
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Heart Nov 29, 2023 at 01:56 PM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
for the link

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Everyone can do magic - Cassie Nightgale the good witch.

Dear Diary today will be different today I can smile it will be genuine because today is the day I get to live.

This life will be good and beautiful, but not without heartbreak.

In death come peace. But pain is the cost of living.

Like love, it's how we know we're alive.

And life goes on.

That my life weird, messy, complicated, sad, wonderful, amazing, and above all epic and I owe all to Stephen. - Eleanor Gilbert Vampire Diaries
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MuddyBoots
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Default Nov 29, 2023 at 07:00 PM
  #14
No prob.
---
I am terrified if I have A FOURTH ALL NIGHTER IN THE PAST WEEK I'm god. No. Binging. Cringing. Splurging on purging. Like yer first hit o' crack. Like fresh tracks. Like howling at the moon with the coyotes. They're all over. Aawoooooohhhhhhhhhing with the owls. Making friends with the insomniac bears and myself.

Eat or be eaten? I've been chewed at my whole life mofos.

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If any chord that I could strum
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Default Nov 30, 2023 at 12:23 PM
  #15
I'm getting told by health care people what a healthy BMI is for me. But my mom and my therapist tell me that is too much and I would look sick at even the top end of a normal BMI. My mom texted me "you don't want to look like Elliot Whatshisname." I get I don't need to lose a ton.

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MuddyBoots
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Default Dec 02, 2023 at 03:06 AM
  #16
I just want to know if I should go to the eating disorder clinic I don't want to be police or have to open up or think about everything or eat on camera, but I don't want to have to continue having panic attacks at grocery stores and being grouchy grouchy after meals and purging after a bowl of cheerios.

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If any chord that I could strum
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MuddyBoots
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Default Dec 02, 2023 at 08:50 AM
  #17
I toook like 50 lorazepam over the past 3 days and now I can't remember if I ate anything or not and it's really freaking me out. I think I just had some nuts and that's why I'm crying because I didn't WANT nuts but I don't remember eating them.

I think I really need to go to this EDC

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If any chord that I could strum
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Default Dec 02, 2023 at 08:47 PM
  #18
I woke up every couple hours last night and every time I woke up I weighed myself. That went on from 9PM-7AM. I never did get to the number I want to get to.

I've been eating a lot of celery sticks lately. They do work if you lie to yourself hard enough.

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MuddyBoots
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Default Dec 02, 2023 at 11:29 PM
  #19
Okay it was "only 28mg" of lorazepam. Fk meal planning. I also found low calorie instant breakfasts so I think I'm just going to live off of those.

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If any chord that I could strum
Make me feel less like a man
I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
So I could never strum again

Last edited by MuddyBoots; Dec 03, 2023 at 12:09 AM..
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MuddyBoots
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Default Dec 05, 2023 at 05:29 AM
  #20
I know I sound like a broken record but I am so done with crying in the kitchen and panicking at the grocery store and then eating one thing and saying "fk it I failed" and binging, and feeling power hungry is sooo not me, and I need to give up control and take on freedom and I feel like this eating disorder is some sort of entity CONTROLLING ME just making me suffer and watching me and laughing at me and I'm his puppet.

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If any chord that I could strum
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I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
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