[MuddyBoots]

Title basically

I know this is all eating disorder stuff. I get hungry and think "I don't want to eat that." "I can't eat that" "That's disgusting" "I'm not good e nough for that." etc
Then I eat and think "I'm disgusting" "my insides are gross now" "I need to get this out ASAP."
and this is all ****ing day all day long there is literally no other thoguhts

sorry for the typos Im shaking like a motherright now

[lizardlady]

Muddyboots, for me it was a combination of therapy and meds. Part of the therapy was learning I control my thought, not the other way around.

[MuddyBoots]

But it's like there are 7 people in my head and they all have their own thoughts and they're constantly fighting and I don't know who to listen to because some of them are good and sweet and some are good but aggressive and some are just aggressive but powerful and fun to be, etc and I don't feel like I have control over who I am so how do I control that? Therapy has never helped and ive been in for 10 yrs

[Pflowers]

For me, it was figuring out where those thoughts originated and why I felt offing myself was the answer.

When I realized it had to do with all the negative messaging from my abusive family of origin, I decided it was not the answer. They'd already done enough damage and I'd be damned if I gave them that (my life).

I've been in therapy for 30 years now, and still wrestle with those thoughts from time to time.

When they get too intense I ask my therapist to help me through it.

[MuddyBoots]

I want to clarify I do *NOT* want to cmmit suicide outright.

I want to take adderall laced with fentanlyl
I want to eat until my stomach nearly ruptures, and then throw up until nothing comes back up and then drink water and throw up again and drink more water and throw up again and hope my electrolytes go so off I pass out
I want to go for walks in the middle of the night and howl with the coyotes, hoping they can't tell friend from foe.
I want to run along the busy highway, feeling free and scared.
I don't want to go to the doctor's to get any of my problems checked out. If something's really that wrong, well, we'll find out I guess.
I don't want to eat carbs.
I don't want to put a hat, jacket, shoes, and gloves on when it's 10dF out.

I want to live my life the way I want to live my life without regard for death. Death can go **** himself. We're in a love/hate relationship, and the anger sex is to die for.

[Pflowers]

Oh!

I must have misunderstood ...

I've nothing further to offer.

[MuddyBoots]

a drink or two might shut up the voice

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

But it's like there are 7 people in my head and they all have their own thoughts and they're constantly fighting and I don't know who to listen to because some of them are good and sweet and some are good but aggressive and some are just aggressive but powerful and fun to be, etc and I don't feel like I have control over who I am so how do I control that? Therapy has never helped and ive been in for 10 yrs

Aren't you describing DID though? Have you been in therapy with somebody specializing in that?

Have you read/listened to "No Bad Parts"
https://www.amazon.com/No-Bad-Parts-.../dp/B09GKXH7QW

and this:
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation, by Janina Fisher, Ph.D
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Fragm...0329626&sr=1-1