Torn Between Wanting To Recover & Wanting To Continue Cutting

Hi all,

I've been feeling very confused lately, so I wanted to share what's been going through my mind.

So, basically, one part of me is seriously considering trying to stop cutting. I look down and see all my cuts and scars, and they're all so ugly and shameful, I don't want any more. And for the first time in forever, I'm thinking about the future, what happens if I get into a relationship? What then? No one would love the girl with scars.

But, another part of me thinks, screw recovery, I deserve this, and I need it, self injury is a part of me and it makes me feel better, so why should I stop? I love it.

I know it might sound kind of crazy, but I'm just really torn between getting better, and not getting better.

What are your guy's thoughts on this?

I hope you all are doing wonderful.

x

I know exactly what you mean. I haven't done it in quite awhile, but when I do I have to hide it with wrap around leather bracelets, etc.
But I have been feeling so out of control and angry lately that I think about it all the time. I have also reconnected with someone I spent time with years ago who I basically had to explain my therapy and depression to, which was a miserable experience, as he can be a bit difficult anyway...plus he is more jaded since he went through an awful marriage/terrible marriage therapy since we last hung out. So I don't think he would react well to seeing cuts..so I do think about it like you do..but then I think, I could try somewhere new, should I, is it worth it? I don't even know.
I feel your struggle and pain though. Of course I will tell you to hang in there as long as you can...I guess that's the path I am on myself. You can always PM me if you ever need extra support

I feel the same way. I wanna feel better yet i wanna continue cutting. ((((hugs))))

I understand too. Even 8 months down the line, whenever things get stressful, I wonder if I should have ever quit in the first place. And even though the urges have gotten better, there are still times when I *really* miss it.

I can, however, testify that even though things are still hard, I'm in a much better emotional state. I feel happier with myself as a whole. I think that even though stopping is definitely hard, it's still pretty worth it.

- AJ

For me, it was a coping mechanism I needed. And it's easy to get attached, because it's so easy... and, just... yeah.

Must say, at first I missed it. I did.

Now, I'm so happy to be free of it. =) And it gets better and better

I felt that way as I was coming to terms with what I want for the future, if I wanted it to continue or start healing. I felt so much loss of control because people were telling me I "should" stop, or to report to them every time I felt that way or went through with it. I know they were caring, but I felt that it's my coping mechanism and they're trying to take it away! They were trying to take the method that I used to feel in control! So I felt a sense of retaliation, almost, like... It's my freakin body and my situation, and right now I feel like SI helps me get through stuff. Well, it took some more time for me to truly want to reduce how much I do it. Hopefully you will get to choose if you want to recover. I don't think it's helpful to be forced into recovery, I don't think it will work. But the torn feeling was something I definitely felt and struggled with, because our relationships with SI are very complicated since we know it's overall not healthy for us, but it definitely works for the moment and is a way to stay alive.

Oh and it's completely possible to love someone with scars.

I started cutting again after so many years. It doesn't sound crazy. Sometimes I can't handle these intense feelings if loneliness anymore. And ill admit cutting eases the emotional pain for is rather feel physical pain than emotional pain.just because you have scars whether physically,emotionally,it mentally doesn't mean you're not beautiful. I have low self esteem at the moment. Though I don't recomend self injury I just feel the same being torn.a lot of people don't understand...I hope you,us well everyone who self injures can find a better way..thanks,David