[adjuster]

Here comes the exercise. Here comes the b/p. Here comes the guilt. I broke my ankle over Thanksgiving, and prior to that was running an average of 35 miles a week. The orthopedist told me that if I stayed off the ankle and didn't doing anything other than PT for 3 months I would be able to run again w/o surgery as the tears int he tendons were not ruptures and the fracture would heal nicely. He was right. BUT not running for 3 months really drug me down. I started running about 3 weeks ago, and I was struggling to get one mile. Tonight I ran 3 miles.
But I b/p twice today. I took a laxitive tonight. I took a sleeping pill so shortly I wlll need to crash. And tomorrow I will get up and start this all over.

a very warm welcome to PC.... and to this forum....

I am so concerned for you.... the impact that your ED has on your body...

I have struggled with my own ED.... for a very long time....

I guess... my first thought.. is are you in therapy.... and if not... would you consisder it???

again... a very warm welcome to PC...

[adjuster]

I have been in therapy once a week since last year in February when I tried to OD and obviously failed. IT was at that point that I was put on meds (again, as I had been on them before for depressin and quit going/taking). Shortly after that I was at my heighest weight 265. I decided that I was tired of hating my body and was going to do something about it, even if it killed me, after all that is what I am trying to do here. So I started running...a lot and then got hooked. I also started purging. I eat so my family thinks I am ok, but...I now weight 180. My weight stabilized for about 3 months, I hate it. I look in the mirror every day and I see a fat ugly pig. I see my self walk up to buildings glass doors and windows and see the same thing. My therpist has no idea what I am doing and I don't want to tell her because I am terrified that she will try to get me to stop and I don't want to because I am not happy yet. I know that I will never be happy...and in reality that is my choice.

I would never try to take anyone's choice away from them..... as I have always felt very strongly about my own right to choices...

I also hear a great deal of pain in your post.... the pain I believe is there for all of us with an ED...so I don't know your "exact" pain... no... but I know pain... and anger... too...

We are all here to support you... and listen......

My own ED... has been full of struggle... and pain... and has damaged my body... that I cannot reverse.. I wish I could... but it is there with me...

I will say... that telling your T... will not make her "stop" your behavior... you would perhaps get some much needed support....
as the only one that can "stop" an ED... is ourselves... and that is the truth...

[Labyssum]

Awwww.I'm sorry about your ankle hun.

[rdartist]

I hear your pain re the running--my knee's fried and I haven't done any cardio for over three months. Although it doesn't hurt all the time, I can't run on it and that does bother me.

I'll get it checked when I can--in the meantime I'm doing more with weights so it's not really that big a deal.

How about tomorrow trying to walk away from your next b / p episode? Find a calendar and put a lumberman's tally up there for every one that you squash.

I'll bet that in a while, you'll see the marks spreading out on the page and then you will get your b / p free day.

Good luck

[adjuster]

Didn't make it today. I have had control today. Of what I eat and what I let go. BUT, then he came home, told me I was going to eat dinner. Now he is gone, out with his friends, and I am glad as he brought in negative vibes but now I want to rid myself of the horribleness. He had control and now I want it back.

[rdartist]

So maybe your anger about being told what to do pushed you to do something you didn't want to do? Can you talk to "him" about how the negative vibes and the being told what to do only make the situation worse?

If he's trying to help you, he'll probably listen because...and I hope I I'm not letting the cat out of the bag on this one but, he knows that he is not really in control of this thing.

Actually, he might be frustrated, panicked, and scared and with no idea what to do to help. He's trying to win one small victory in a race that's actually a marathon--a marathon where you and only you truly control the outcome.

Maybe open up and tell him what's really going on (not what he wants to hear) and see if you can get him to be your coach and not the object of your anger.

Tomorrow's a new day, this one's done and forgotten. Step up to the plate and hit one over the fence because....YOU CAN!!!!