Is it anorexia or my "other" disease?

It's a long post but I hope someone will read it and respond. Thank you.

I was Dx'd last December w/ gastroparesis. It's partial paralysis of the stomach caused by nerve damage. I don't digest my food well anymore. I can't tolerate most meat or veggie fibers or fat, as they are not easy to digest. I can only eat small amounts of food or I swell up and get nauseaous to the point of vomiting (feels like a stomach flu). www.g-pact.org if anyone is curious. This condition in itself can cause anorexia (but not nervosa). The nerve damage has also spread to the bowel so that I cannot eliminate w/o rx'd medication taken twice a day. The food will sit in my intestines and ferment causing bloating if I miss a dose.

I've lost 50 lbs in the last 10 months. I needed to lose it and it wasn't at a fast rate obviously. I'm 41 years old, 5'6" and went from 180 lbs to 130 (so far). For me that equates to going from a size 16-14 to a size 3-5.

I tell myself this is a perfectly healthy thing to do. I want to lose, I have a condition that allows me to lose and the rate is not too fast.

However...
I have come to the realization that there are mental aspects that I can no longer deny. I have hypo-thyroidism that the doctors have not been able to control well for the last year. This means I don't lose weight easily, but I fought hard to lose it.....by starving and purging.

I have about 5 or 6 foods that I eat. I choose mainly from them. I obsess about my food, my weight, and my body 24/7. I even dream about it. It's my main topic of conversation with my family. I cook for them and will not eat or eat just a bite or two and blame it on my disease when I know I could eat more. I know the calorie count of everything that goes into my mouth. I weigh up to 10 times a day or more. I'm freaked out if I eat something and gain a pound. I go w/o eating as long as possible until the hunger takes over. Then I like to eat things that are not good for my disease, or I eat too much (which might be 6 cookies for me). I throw this food up because I know (or fear) that it will make me sick. Or I do it because I know I won't have to count the food in my journal. (That I'm supposed to keep to see how much I SHOULD intake).

I NEVER order food at a restaurant. I can't eat enough to warrant the price and I can get away w/ only eating a couple of bites off my husband's plate. I also can't stand the thought of having food in my stomach. Part of this comes from my disease... but then I tend to use my disease for an excuse. I don't even like to drink water much because I don't want to feel bloated.

People tell me I'm too thin, that my face looks emaciated. 5'6" and 130 is not too thin. It's right in the middle of the BMI index. I'd like to lose more... another 10 perhaps.... but I honestly don't know if I will stop there. Starving myself had lead to changes that I do not like.

My hair and skin are dry. (both symtoms of hypo-thyroid and starvation, so it could be either.)
My thyroid has not been controlled well. I hear that starvation is not good for the thyroid and I might be putting myself in a cycle that is dangerous to my health.
I always feel dehydrated.
I know I'm malnurished. My vitamin helps some. I may eat a couple pieces of wheat toast w/ a slice of low fat cheese a day. Some days I feel better and eat more (900-1300 calories)... then starve again.
My muscles are sore. My muscle tone is not good. I'm protein deficient.
I have to sit on my feet in a restaurant booth that's not padded because it hurts my bum.
I have wrinkly lose skin from the weight loss and am horrified to see myself nude. I feel I look like an 80 year old woman.
I'm chronically depressed, irritated and anxious. Sometimes I think about death, but not of killing myself. I obsess that my husband must not like me the way I look because of my loose skin. I start fights because I'm always thinking that he must be thinking negatively about me (which he is not). I can never relax and the muscles in my neck are VERY tight 24/7. This causes daily tension headaches that pain meds or anti-inflammatory meds or muscle relaxers will not help.
I'm freaked out because I want a tummy-tuck and a breast lift because my body looks awful, but I can't afford it. I feel like a fraud when I undress, because I look okay in clothes and when I have to take them off I'm very ashamed of how I look.

I still feel fat in a size 3, because my stomach has all this extra loose skin. I feel enormous most of the time and the only way I can get perspective is to go to a store and try on clothes. I know that if I can put on size 3 clothes that I must not be fat, even though I feel that I am.

I don't want any help because it'll cost money. I won't change anti-deppresants because I'm afraid I'll gain weight.

Now this is what makes me think that I don't have anorexia nervosa even though I'm pretty sure that I do... I'm doing things to help myself. I've always heard the anorexic mind set doesn't allow for this.

I'm scared that I won't be able to stop losing. I still want to lose but have made some changes:

I bought high protein whey powder to get my RDA of protein in 70-90g a day. It's low cal/low fat of course.

I'm trying to get a quart of water in a day (still not enough I know)

Osteoporosis (sp?) runs in my family and when the headaches aren't so bad I go to curves to do weight bearing excercise so I can help re-build all the muscle I've lost and help my bones. I'm drinking more milk for meals so I can get in my 1500mg calcium.

I apprecite any feedback.
WendySmiling

Hi Wendy,

I actually posted some under the "older" thread where I read that post of yours before this. I just wanted you to know that I have read this post also.

I can really feel for you, being diagnosed with gastroparesis, & thyroid problems. It always seems that there is a trigger that can start the anorexic thinking, then boom....it's there. It is amazing how we can justify our eating patterns...like I'm losing it slowly, my blood tests came back ok at the Dr, my cloths are really starting to look good on me...especially those button front jeans I couldn't even get into a few months ago (of course, they are almost too big now), or my weight isn't too thin (after all, I still fit into a size 3). I actually came to a realization the other day when I tried on a dress from when my anorexia was so bad the last time. It fits again. I bought it in the Jr department & really loved it. It was for showing my dog in a Beverly Hills Dog Show, spagetti strap lace with short jacket & not a bulge even without nylons. Oh yes, I missed the dog show because I was in the hospital with a central line getting nutrition dripped into me because I had passed out. Oh Oh, I am either almost at the weight I should be satisfied with or I'm in trouble. Oh yes, to top that off, I started to get sores where I sit on my saddle so I had to find my padded bike shorts from last time to wear under my riding pants. I think these are signs that I'm trying not to listening to. I can really relate to your wrinkly lose skin. I was surprised when I looked into the mirror the other day & noticed the wrinkles...where did they come from?

Unfortunately, I can't talk about my weight loss because many people know about my previous problem. I have casually mentioned that I had lost some weight & they said that they noticed but were afraid to mention it considering I have previously had an issue with my weight.

I can totally relate to your restaurant experience. Luckily, I don't have enough money to eat out, but if I did, I would probably take home enough food for a month with my left overs.

I too was surprised how much I freak out when I see a pound go back on the scales. I get a lump in my throat & a determination not to eat until it goes away.

I have the Dr's that want to help & are trying hard to figure out how to get me to want the help. I still think I can handle it myself when it comes right down to it. I mean, it's logical. I want to be well for my new little baby horse. I can't go a day without being with her. I also have to complete a new plan of study for another degree so I can find a career so I can support myself & make it to retirement. I also am at a point where I am working with my other horses & that takes alot of energy. I need to be well when I take on my new alone lifestyle & the complete care of my 11 eskie dogs. I just can't allow myself to be anything but healthy...so it says in my lifes handbook...now will I listen? Probably, but just not right now.

I understand your situation which wavers between ok thoughts & the not ok thoughts. I guess the key to recovery is to make sure that the OK thoughts WIN soon rather that when it is harder to recover.

There are a few of us here that are going through what you are, so welcome to the forum, & to psychcentral

Debbie

Thanks Debbie. I appreciate the response. Best wishes to you.
Wendy