going back to the black hole

hi,
i am struggling with my weight ever since i could remember. But before, i was in my anorexic phase.
Every little thing that went through my mouth to my stomach was a state of alert and anxiety. I was only thinking, "how many calories does it have? no i won't eat it". It was up to the point that I only ate a muffin for a day, or a cup or two cups of coffee to keep me moving. The idea of food and eating became a nightmare.
I lost so much weight. I was 150-155 pounds. for a girl having a height of 5'3'' was not healthy. I was overweight. In my anorexic phase, i went down to 110 pounds. It may not sound a lot that i was anorexic but it took me not to eat in order to get to only have 110 pounds.
Now that I am not as depressed as before, and thanks to my antidepressants, i've gained weight. Now I am about 120-125 pounds. I am not considered to be fat by others, but to me it is horrible. My self-esteem is going down because I think I am fat. I feel horrible and I don't want to be overweight again. I don't like my body but I am trying not to stop eating like before. But I am tempted to skip food in order to feel and look better. I know its all in my mind but i feel like i am a fat girl that does not look attractive as i was when i use to weigh 110 pounds.
i want to feel comfortable with my body but i am struggling to achieve it.
oh, i think i may never be satisfied with my body ever again and I don' t want to be anorexic the way i was before.

(((((((SadnessRose)))))))))))))

Reasonably speaking, I think around 125 is a healthy weight.

If your AD's cause you weight gain, there are other ones out there that are less likely to have that particular side effect. Unless not being depressed means that you're not watching what you eat as often as you would when you are depressed - in which case, the ADs are to "blame" for a healthier state of mind.

i have a questions though, how did you go about getting help in the first place? did you go to your family doctor and then they refer you to a psychologist? I need to get help because i am in the same boat as you were calories RUN my life.. and i try to be anorexic, but then i binge eat because i am depressed, then i throw up.. its disgusting. i just don't know who to tell..help

Hi Noella,

Look in the yellow pages under Psychologists. Sometimes they advertize specilizing in eating disorders.

try googling psycholigists eating disorders and your city

or bulimia or anorexia psych and city.

while your at it ,
type in eating disorder support groups and your city.

try googling Overeaters anonymous and your city.

What got me in therapy was I saw a news paper ad for a study for women with eating disorders. A woman answered and I was refered to a man.

I was in OA at the time.

I don't think I was in the study.

The newspaper faired me well twice. . I think my higher power was in the fine print.

also ask your GP for a referal for someone who works specifically with eating disorders.

Good luck,

Patricia