[I Only Speak]

Hello cerebrally beautiful people. My name is Phoenix, and I've very odd things happening to me and, since I am not sure of the cause, I could really use help, input, or even suggestions. I will explain my situation honestly, which I've not yet done bad and am very nervous about.

I am an 18 year old guy who grew up with a Bipolar mother who single-handedly raised me, conveniently preparing me in a lot of ways for my own diagnoses.
I am currently diagnosed with Bipolar I, OCD, IED, ADHD, and Psychopathy. To be honest the Bipolar, though not at all easy, I was inadvertently conditioned to handle well for my age for obvious reasons. Each of these is just a part of me that needs it's own form of help, except the Psychopathy. I do not have Antisocial Personality Disorder, I'm medically considered 'a psychopath' which I feel is one of those overly stigmatized and horribly misunderstood, even by Doctors, issues similar to the unfair stigmas of Bipolar Disorder. Here is my issue, and it is, and has been for two years, been eviscerating my psyche.
I suffer from incredibly strange and real feeling lucid dreams, and literally have every night I don't stay up since near age 16. The issue is the fact that they are the worst experiences I've ever felt. Somehow there seems to be no time lapse as if I were simply staying up, and these dreams are the most horrible, for me, things I have ever gone through. I don't know if I've a Nightmare Disorder, I've never spoken that much about them because of how powerful they are to me.

When they started I was quiet about them even though they seemed to get worse each night, but it seemingly made either my disorders worse or myself less capable of handling them.
Three months ago I had a very tragic family loss, later in the same month other members of my close family just stopped talking to me and my mom for a still mysterious reason. I'll skip a bit, but these events made the dreams immensely worse to the point where I began to show some sort of disassociation from reality. Not like hallucinations, but it's like I get a random thought that somehow turns into a delusional belief, I still know I'm in my house, I still see and feel normal in my own eyes, but the delusion will tear me apart, impossibilities that I know can't happen but still, I guess just "know" they will or have. The second month I became so irrational and upset that I sliced my left arm massively, to the bone, with a pocketknife and came close to bleeding out, losing mobility in my hand I I do suffer from permanent nerve damage. I can't even recall the reason, but I've never been suicidal in my life. The ending here is I am currently on no meds, not by choice, and have no access to help or even know what help I need. Or even what it is. I don't know if it could be part of Psychopathy or an intense and worsening Bipolar swing or psychotic episode. My concern is that these delusions and dreams together are so internally manipulative that I've somehow given myself trauma. This may seem silly, some of might have the real phobia, but a few of my dreams were so...unnatural and scarring that I've developed a fear of caterpillars so strong that if I see an inchworm I will begin to well up and almost can't move. This only one of many odd and painful phobias or irrational opinions I've gotten.
These things are odd, or maybe I just don't know what they're tied to MI wise or any other way, but thank you for reading this and if you've any input at all, at all I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thanks

[glok]

Hello, I Only Speak. If you are not receiving professional help, I urge you to give serious consideration to getting help.

[Perna]

It sounds like you do not have much contact with anyone other than your mother and your thoughts and feelings are feeding on themselves, more or less. I would get professional help, as glok suggests. Do you have any interests, interest in school/college, etc.?

[pegasus]

Hello I Only Speak,

You have so much to cope with and stress is going to upset all of your mental health issues. Obviously we cannot diagnose on the internet but it sounds like there is some psychosis going on. The psychosis can be attached to your bipolar or depression and can feel like you are dreaming while you are awake. It feels very real indeed. The link I am providing talks of shizophrenia in particular but scroll down to the bottom of the page as there is more information and links on psychosis. Schizophrenia Symptoms - Psych Central

It is vitally important to your health to get professional help for this because when someone is in psychosis they are not aware of what they are doing and can become a danger to yourself or others.

[I Only Speak]

Thank you everyone. I agree, I'll seek help as quickly as I can afford. Also I've received a new, professional, diagnosed reason for my current issues which does tie into all of my problems including, Pegasus, psychosis. My first, and immensely powerful, Hypo Manic State. I will continue using this community as a support system that I hope I can add to as well (if you've seen my profile recently you know what I am referring to).
Thanks and be well

Since you are getting help now, which is awesome, ask your doc about a medication for nightmares. Most people with PTSD end up using this medication because it helps with the horrible dreams. It's called
cyproheptadine.

Congratulations on being able to recognize what is going on with you at such a young age. This bodes well for your future treatment as you seem to have great insight. And, like many of us that deal with these disorders, you are very bright.

If you have any questions about the med or it's effects or just want to talk, pm me. And keep hangin on! It can only get better from here.

Tea

[Restin]

I agree, you have a lot on your plate. Some kind of medication could most likely limit the nightmares and phobia, but I understand lack of finances are intervening. I go to the county clinic for therapy, and some private therapists use a sliding scale. The county is actually excellent where I am...very good therapist and thorough med nurse. and hopefully you have a good one in your county that you could start with. I would suggest getting on the phone with the yellow pages to guide you. There is usually some kind of assistance for people suffering to the extent you tell us about.
Another thing about nightmares that worked for me was to get spitting mad at it while I'm having it, or immediately after, and imagine hitting it with a club. Ditto for the caterpillar. Really work that caterpillow over as soon as you can. I'm serious, I know this is no laughing matter with the lucid dreams. My aggression got immediate, while the nightmare was actually going on, and it made them stop. Really, I do understand the horrible feeling attending a nightmare, no matter what the subject of terror is.