[Serenity8]

in my intro, I share that my family is struggling with my step daughter and her destructiveness. How does one figure out if her behaviors are needing professional help,or simply needing more love,more structure and guidance on how to live a happy life ? I know many adults with her issues.....lying,cheating, everything is always someone elses fault, no remorse for bad behavior ..... I have seen people go to pshychiatrists and end up with so many labels that they end up worse than had they not gone. I don't want to have her go,and be labelled when it may be something she will outgrow.
she will be 17 soon. When she wants something,she does very well...trouble is trying to keep finding a motivator. She loves her extra curricular activities,some more than others....and can behave well, no one would guess the stress she causes at home. But, if the motivation may be too far off,say,a few weeks,then she goes back to bad behavior.

[glok]

Hello, Serenity8. My view is to ask her general practitioner to refer her to a professional for an assessment and any treatment that is indicated. If treatment is indicated, often a better result is achieved if the disorder is addressed sooner than later.

If no treatment is indicated, you might ask about how to better deal with the behaviors you describe.

I wish your family well.

[pegasus]

Hello Serenity8,

I think it would be worth finding out if there is a mental health issue underlying the behaviours if you feel her behaviour is beyond that of a 'normal' teenager. I presume you have tried sitting down with her and asking her what she feels she needs right now. We also have a Healthy Parenting forum you might like to check out.

[Serenity8]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Hello Serenity8,

I think it would be worth finding out if there is a mental health issue underlying the behaviours if you feel her behaviour is beyond that of a 'normal' teenager. I presume you have tried sitting down with her and asking her what she feels she needs right now. We also have a Healthy Parenting forum you might like to check out.

we have had many talks with her,and some seemed like a connection would be made. But, it is so difficult to tell where the lies stop and the truth begins. Even simple truths can get twisted with her....she used to argue about things like what color the sky would be. I have homeshooled all my kids, two graduated and on into college and into the honors programs and deans list. My third one will be graduating in 2015 and already has high enough SAT scores that colleges are trying to get her attention. We have gone thru alot of tears,lectures,teen drama,discipline,etc,etc.... I don't expect my children to be perfect,but do expect them to be the best they can be. I had worked with troubled youth for years prior to meeting my husband. I had,what I thought,a good grasp of what all his daughter was going thru. But, it is going on five years,and,yes, I see headway with her,and she has been eliminating many of her outbursts and temper tantrums (that she can control when in public,and in fact,carries herself soooo differently that I have even been aproached to see if she could babysit!) once people start visiting and getting to know the family,they do see things,as she lets her mask start slipping. I had one friend,quietly come to me,an hr after a visit,and ask if she often treated me like what she had partially witnessed. Once my stepdaughter realized she was being observed,she immediately went into charming mode.

[avlady]

seneraty 8 welcome!!!!!!!!!

[Serenity8]

when my husband and I first were dating,then got married, first he thought it was great that my kids applied themselves to whatever they did,then, it was, she is jealous of them. My other kids are great,but not geniuses,they simply want a good happy life. They grew up with an abusive father that abandoned them when I got help and was able to divorce. They have had alot of rough things happen to them,too. My oldest went thru depression and a long grieving process ,dropped out of college twice, got into drugs and alcohol and we saw a therapist to help him. My husband wasn't very happy about that ,but, I took him anyways as he wanted to go,and he was already 17. I write this to clarify in case it sounds like my stepdaughter may be having an issue with how "good" her family is. Believe me, that excuse to act out has been used over and over again.

[Serenity8]

I am going between threads ,all discussing same issue.... Sorry if I miss answering anyone. Still getting to know how this all works.

[Perna]

Do you know how she feels about her behavior? Have you had heart-to-heart talks about it, asked what (if anything) she would like/to do about it? I don't know if you have tried anything like Parent Effectiveness Training: Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children: Thomas Gordon: 9780609806937: Amazon.com: Books to see if that would help her?

[Serenity8]

she doesn't seem to feel any remorse for her behavior..... In fact, she will sit thru and sometimes try staring me down. She does however,like her extracurricular activities and will start acting all nice,and hugging me alot, saying how much she loves me,and she will go to great lengths to go thru the motions to get what she wants. But, then,for example,if she has gotten to go somewhere,the next day she is ornery and snippy. Then she continues to be mouthy, to whomever she chooses at the moment for however long she has to wait...then all of a sudden,there's another event going on (very active with youth groups,horse lessons,etc),then she will realize that she is forfeiting her extra curricular activities,and then she is all nicey nicey....almost clingy

[Serenity8]

sometimes she seems to want to change,but,most times,she is like,this is me,maybe i like treating certain people badly.
her dad and I have attended parenting classes,studied on our own,talked with clergy,etc. I had gone thru different parenting classes long before I met her,and have been am active hands on mother for 22 years. I am not a newbie,but,yet, nothing seems to work. I am forever praying and searching and trying to reevaluate the current methods....including sticking to it (sometimes I have fallen into the trap of trying new things without giving proper enough time to see if it'd work).....

[Serenity8]

if nothing else, joining this site,has helped solidify the idea that she may need professional help.....that maybe it isnt me failing to help her,but,that maybe this is way out of my league.

[ifst5]

Some of your examples are making me think BPD - but of course she's not technically an adult yet so even if a personality disorder was the case they wouldn't diagnose her at the moment. However, some of the treatment options for that disorder or others might still be available to her and i think taking her to a professional is a sound idea - if anything they'll have advice on what to do if they don't think there's anything wrong specifically. In either case, maybe family therapy would also be a good idea? It would help all of you deal with this situation in a more productive, monitored way. I hope you find some peace with this situation soon. Keep posting, we're here to help

[Sometimes psychotic]

So just my opinion but this doesn't sound like anything they would give meds for so a psychologist is a much better bet than a psychiatrist in that regard. Why not ask her if she would like to talk to someone or not...she might want to....

[Perna]

It could just be her way of relating as a teen. I know I was very much "not myself"/who I am now during those years and did not know why or how to be differently. More life experience might change how she relates to you and others; is she this way in school, her events she enjoys? It may just be a negative default she does not mind. The knowing when to turn on the charm before an event she wants seems to indicate she does not connect her "whole" being with her behavior, acts based on how others respond rather than by any personal code. I would throw some personal responsibility in there, ask her to get a job to help afford some of her activities or give her tasks to do around the house for everyone's benefit/support, etc.