[fjmcleod]

First of all hello, I am new to this site and I appreciate any guidance and help. Here is my problem. It centers around my Mom. I recently got married and my mom has not been receptive at all, we have barely spoken in over 2 months.

We have been together for 3 years prior and when she finally met my mom, the reception was cold to say the least. I know the core of the issue is the age difference, there is about 17 years difference between us. My Mother has never verbally attacked her in person but there have been off hand comments when she was not around. It culminated with her saying she is a gold digger and the biggest mistake I've made.

I know I made mistakes along the way. I waited 2 weeks before I told her we were engaged and then did not tell her about the wedding date until she found out through another source. But at the time we had not decided if we were going to elope or have a traditional wedding. We just told the best man so he could make tuxedo arrangements if we were to have people. We didn't it was just the 2 of us.

The thing is, is she does not know her and did not try to get to know her. The last thing on my Mom is she sent a letter recently basically saying she will not accept my marriage and will accept the consequences.

So, the damage is done. The thing is the day the letter is sent is the day before I planned a fishing trip with dad, but also try to start the healing process between us. I receive the letter and cancel the fishing trip with dad over the phone, we talk a while, I explain why I am not coming home and he understands.

He doesn't defend my mom or me nor would I ever ask him to take a side on this. I just think he wants it to stop and just said I don't know what goes on in her mind sometimes. Also he took the time to get to know my wife and was very personable with her for the few days we were home. The very next I get a call from my mother saying she is worried about Dad and we need to talk and then need to talk about how I treated him. I did write a letter and sent it with his Father's Day card and explained that I needed some space and wouldn't hear from me until after the wedding.

I've had to choose between my wife and parents but I'm pretty sure mom feels she's done nothing wrong and doesn't want our conflict to involve Dad. It's always about how I've mistreated them. It's almost like she is trying to manipulate me by using Dad indirectly. I don't want it to involve dad but I don't see how it won't since he is in the same household.

Of course my wife is upset and I am upset and at the point enough is enough, but not sure what way to go.

[pegasus]

Hello fjmcleod, welcome to Psych Central.

It does often seem to be the case that Mother will dislike whoever takes her little boy away. As a Mother myself, I can see where her feelings are coming from, she feels hurt that you married behind her back and an older women - a gold digger, as she puts it. Your Dad seems quite laid back and knows what your Mother is like. So.... breathe! In time I think your Mother will see your reasons for the quick marriage and see that it is true love. Be calm, try not to enter into the drama.

[SnakeCharmer]

I am dealing with a situation very similar to this. The disapproving mother is my friend. The disapproval has been happening for several years now. I tell the baffled son that if he's old enough to get married, then he's old enough to no longer need his mother's approval, so get on with his life.

Written down, that sounds harsh, but in real life it's delivered with a smile and a hug. Mom is a wonderful person in most ways, but on this subject she's completely unreasonable. I don't know why. She makes herself sick over it.

Please hug your wife, tell her it will be all right and enjoy your honeymoon first years of marriage without allowing your mom's disapproval to wound you.

I strongly suggest you accept your mother's disapproval without disapproving back or trying to change her mind. Remember special occasions, such as her birthday, send a card or flowers or present, whatever you'd normally do, except maybe put yourself in line for abuse. Expect nothing back from her. Love her, even if she's acting immaturely about your marriage. Let her know you love her and that your love is not conditional on her giving you approval.

It would be nice to have her blessing, but you and wife can live happily without it. You may have to build and maintain a separate relationship with your father, one that does not include both mom and dad at the same time. Maybe you and your dad will have to meet somewhere to go fishing instead of meeting up at the family home. If they live some distance away and you choose to visit, stay at a motel, especially if you take your wife. Now that you're an adult you get to make these decisions on your own and if your mother doesn't like it, just smile and say it's what you're most comfortable with.

Maybe your mom will come around. Maybe she won't. Most likely she'll come around grudgingly once she sees that you're able to live your life happily without her blessing. If you act miserable about her lack of approval, it will be tremendously reinforcing to her in a weird sort of way.

My friend, the mom who won't give her approval to her son's marriage, she's the one who's suffering the most. Her refusal and resentment hurts her and keeps her from her grandchildren. Her son's enjoying his life. I hope you'll do the same. It's not the best way to start a marriage, but it's the way my own parents started.

Congratulations on your marriage. I hope you and your bride spend many happy years together.