[bigblackdog]

So recurrent depression, only ever remission.

Things got insane at work, with me paranoid and suspicious and reactive. I received some mid-year feedback that was basically we don't like you personality (I am extroverted, smart, outspoken, and a little dramatic) and that I should soften my approach in communications. This feedback came in a lump sum from "everyone that worked with me" and had nothing specific except for one word in an email. I felt very betrayed and ganged up on, and nearly walked off the job. Then I got further feedback that I was inconsistent and emotional (see also, multiple mood disorders) and finally, had a manager jumping on me for every little thing so that I felt as if they did not trust I could do my job. So I got to the point where I did not trust anything that anyone told me and now I am back there, because of today's events.

The last weeks I literally had someone in an open meeting tell me that she was frustrated and disappointed with me because I had not done something that I had done, but could not remember because I've been having memory problems, and she was attacking me so I froze.

I finally went into IOP, because I was coming unhinged at work. So I am 2 weeks through and feel like it's not working.....don't feel better than before and all those feelings are now coming back, of not being able to trust and take a chance.

Today in IOP, we had a work stress session, where we doing a bit of group problem-solving, and I really wanted to have my issues up there. I was asked if my issues at work were because of my depression, to which I said yes because it was a very odd question. Apparently that was the Tdoc asking me if I wanted to problem-solve today, and so she went to someone else for it. Then I got in there and she did not ask generally, because it was already decided and then because I was so angry, and did not want to help everyone else out, which is what I feel like I've been doing....like I am there for everyone else instead of for me. Then I realized that if I would not participate, then I should just leave, so I did, and now I feel like I'm acting like a baby.

And apparently, I am supposed to graduate Friday, and so today was my only chance. I wound up being so angry that I just got up and walked out. I don't even want to go back Friday, I don't want to talk because the room goes quiet when I talk and I get sympathy, but very little useful feedback. Plus on Friday I am supposed to talk about my fabulous IOP experience and then other people and therapists get to tell me nice things and I have nothing to say about IOP at this point and won't believe the 'nice things' anyway....

• So do I just skip it entirely?
• Go on Friday and skip check in and then skip out before the graduation thing?
• Or effectively pitch a fit because I did not get what I needed? Because I walked out, I feel like I am acting out, as opposed to even allowed to be angry.

My therapist (outside of IOP) hopes that I will go and explain myself and maybe they'll extend me, but I am not sure I want to be extended and then deal with this person who asked an oblique question and then made assumptions.

The fact is I have recurrent depression, it was triggered constantly at work which put me into a severe episode, and then I realized that was happening, so I got help. But I am not getting help because the relief of being away from work was so great. So now they think that everything is fine. And so yes, my work issues are because of my depression, but this episode is also because of work.

[CANDC]

bigblackdog,
quitting is no longer in my vocabulary. There is something about finishing that feels better than walking out. Walking out means I didn't have the intestinal fortitude to tough it out. Sometimes just completing something makes me feel better.

You said
"My therapist (outside of IOP) hopes that I will go and explain myself and maybe they'll extend me"

That is what I think too. Walking out means you are not ready to graduate. Not getting attention one way, walking out gets attention another way.

As far as work goes, making a commitment not to be the pesky person always saying hurtful things would be a good practice. It always helps me to go out of my comfort zone in terms of making an effort to relate to people on a more sincere basis.

[Thunder Bow]

At work they are bullying you, and using you. A bad situation to say the least. Change jobs ASAP if you can. They will only take you down. Your anger is about mostly how you are being treated at work.

[bigblackdog]

Originally Posted by CANDC

bigblackdog,
quitting is no longer in my vocabulary. There is something about finishing that feels better than walking out. Walking out means I didn't have the intestinal fortitude to tough it out. Sometimes just completing something makes me feel better.

You said
"My therapist (outside of IOP) hopes that I will go and explain myself and maybe they'll extend me"

That is what I think too. Walking out means you are not ready to graduate. Not getting attention one way, walking out gets attention another way.

As far as work goes, making a commitment not to be the pesky person always saying hurtful things would be a good practice. It always helps me to go out of my comfort zone in terms of making an effort to relate to people on a more sincere basis.

At no point was the feedback that I was nasty and critical. It was that I was too dramatic....the feedback really was personality and style based. Trust me, I talked to HR and several others and their reactions were shock and appall, especially from the HR person. I try very hard to not say things that are nasty. If I do think I may have, I seek someone out and apologize if they seem hurt. I even manage to edit my thoughts about people so that I address behavior rather than a person. My teams have commented to me many times through the year that they appreciate that I set an environment where blame is not tolerated and the focus is on fixing the issues.

As far as the feedback, they gave it to me, and could not back it up.....so I told them that until they gave me real examples, that I could not do anything with it.

As for quitting, there is a time to hold and a time fold. Knowing which is which is what's important.

[hvert]

I would go with option D. Go in before the graduation, tell them that you feel like there was a misunderstanding and that you would like to resolve it. Tell them that you do not feel your issues were sufficiently addressed and that because you think you provided more support than you received, you'd like to continue this process -- what you wrote in your post was really good information and there's no reason not to share it with them.

[bigblackdog]

So I saw my pdoc and she extended my leave 2 weeks, and extended IOP one day, which may not have been helpful but I did realize that all of the feedback I gave others was stuff that I need to do. So I guess.

So followup care is a DBT refresher class and then a skills group....I had a DBT class after first IOP which was minimally helpful. I have the DBT workbook and have been working with that, but my frustration is that I want some specific assistance with specific issues and can't find a way to get it. My T is not very familiar with DBT, so that's a bust. I feel like the skills group will also be a bust, and just generally am tired of groups. ETA: (Oh, yeah, the class is 500 bucks (pricey for a 'refresher', it cost next to nothing last time; I am on disability with out top up from my employer because my accruals are all used up; and before I was on disability, it was a stretch for my meds and therapy. And new deductible year.)

Things like, when someone tells you should be doing XYZ, which you are doing and have proven, and how disappointed and frustrated they are (which is not really relevant nor appropriate). How to respond to that?

When you are trying to get your work done and someone keep interrupting you to ask if you did the things that she wants you to do, and you have, only now you can't get anything done, because of the interruptions. (I did actually ask and was told that she was not involved enough in my projects, which certainly came from person above). At one point, she kept barraging me with questions, that I finally said, I can stay and talk about this, but will not be doing any of my other work; which would she prefer I would do? Immediately, she was like, oh, yeah, go ahead.

Actually, I am thinking that if this stuff keeps up, I will start to look for new work.