[chimera17]

So my mom is crazy. Not diagnosed crazy, just... well, growing up, she was across the spectrum in terms of mood. Zero consistency in how she would act one day to the next. Some weeks she would spend pretty much all day in bed, other weeks she'd be a flurry of activity, up all night cleaning and cooking and doing projects around the house. Some days she'd be a warm and nurturing person, wanting to solve all your problems, and the next she'd bite your head off for anything at all.

None of that is what makes me say she's crazy though. I'm pretty sure she is undiagnosed bipolar, and I'm pretty sure I'm cut from the same cloth.

The thing that worries me is her possible psychotic breaks that happened in her late 30s (my age now). She would 'black out' for decent amount of time, up to 30 minutes, and when she woke up, she'd think she was in 1940s New England (we lived on the west coast). She would think her husband and 1 of her children had been killed in a car accident, and would fawn all over my sister (who was the one who had been killed), and it was all just so freaking WEIRD. This state would last quite a while, and happened so frequently that I can remember my father coming home to no dinner, and me just saying oh, mom lost her memory again... I knew at the time that this was not quite right, but it has only been recently that it REALLY started bugging me. The other thing is, these episodes mysteriously stopped shortly after my baby brother, 14 years younger than I am, was born (he's special needs).

Now that I'm around the same age as she was when these things happened, I can't stop wondering - did she make them up completely? Was she just overwhelmed with kids and life and her bipolar issues and pretend this stuff? Was she testing us to see if we could function without her? Was it real? Why the heck did my dad let this go on for so long? My mom is still living, and I feel like I should ask but I cannot imagine the conversation going well. So I will bring it up to my counselor, but it all sounds so absolutely crazy when I try to describe it.

Is that kind of amnesia/false memory really a thing? At this point, I'm hoping she made the whole thing up, as rotten as that would make me feel, because at least then I could stop worrying about something similar happening to my and my kids.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Hmmm... have you considered asking your dad about those episodes, get the adult view from that time? Psychotic breaks are usually triggered. Sounds like it may be useful to discuss with your counselor, help you process the memories.

[Thunder Bow]

Going by how you are so aware of her schizophrenia, I don't think you will come down with it. Not only that, you are seeking help, thus that also reduces your chances of going crazy.

[Starstorm1313]

Hi..I'm starstorm. I will say that I am new here and this will only be my second post, whenever I see anyone saying they are afraid of becoming their mother it hits a nerve in me and I feel compelled to at least empathize. Miraculous words of wisdom or cliches I am sorry to say I am lacking in. I won't pretend to know how you feel or what you've been through. But the whole "mother " thing hits home with me. I dealt with my less than Suzy homemaker mother most of my life. Although in my younger years she was my dads responsibility however thanks to the marvel that is divorce some time around my 14th year I seemed to have inherited the mom problems by default. She spent many a weekend in bed when I was small....many cancelled trips..cancelled birthdays..trips to the ER... migraine headaches were the culprit at that time. I was young.. memories are foggy..going much off what my dad would say..however as a teenager having to be there for her on my own I began to notice a much more sinister problem. Things I was not able to cope with and understand at 15 and 16 years old. Trip after trip to ER for migraine... pain shots..she just wasn't herself. No doubt the divorce from my dad after 12+ years of marriage did little to help anything. She went to doc after doc...specialists..neurologists...psychs...all of them. She was eventually written off by all...labeled a drug seeker and put on methadone in the end.

My mom would always make comment on how I was so much like her with my health issues. How she could just see herself in me. We spent quite a few years apart after I turned 18. She move to Florida with her alcoholic abusive boyfriend who absolutely destroyed anything that was left of her. Don't get me wrong she had her health issues. She suffered migraine headaches pretty much her entire life. She certainly suffered depression and was hospitalized on at least two occasions that I can remember. I remember taking her to emergency rooms and walk in clinics for migraine headaches and she was clearly in pain. Whether the pain was all from the migraine or gorgeous severe mental pain possibly both I'll never know.

Possible trigger:

But I have vivid memory of her standing in the middle of the doctors this is as she would be screaming how it would be their fault when she goes home and blow your brains out.

Fairly traumatic 4 A 15 year old to hear her mother makes sense vicious and horrible threats.
I would be angry with her trying to explain that her methods for ensuring that no one in the medical field would ever help her or take her seriously again. She was flagged as a drug seeker all over town, at every hospital, every walk in clinic , every doc in the box within a 50 mile radius of our home. She did move to Florida. I wish I could say this help her but truthfully I think it was the worst thing she could have done. How was all of 17 when she left for Florida to live with her alcoholic abusive asshole boyfriend. And then some lovely doctor in Florida decided xanax with a good drug to put this woman on.

Possible trigger:

Well of course she took too much too often ran out had a seizure and cracked two vertebrae in her back.

Only adding to her plight for more painkillers at which point methadone was what they decided she should be on.

Now I will admint that at first methadone seemed OK. She seemed like my mom again for the first time in a long time. At some point she had some major back problems that caused her neuropathy in her leg numbness into her foot and she was unable to walk for a while. And her upstanding jackass alcoholic boyfriend decided she was too much trouble and when he brought her up to visit you must her here. I was pregnant expecting a baby in a few months. My sister and husband certainly weren't going to take on this burden so my husband and I had her come live with us and help with our new baby.

Now before you think I'm insane my mom at this time was somewhat normal I felt comfortable having her come stay with us. Watch our new baby help me out and C if we could make this work. But as they say old dogs don't learn new tricks. She was good... Behaved... Responsible with her meds... For short while. Soon my nightmare began. As time went on it became apparent and she had not changed. It was apparent she was on her best behavior got comfortable and slip right back into her old ways the minute she realized methadone could be abused. Long story short I gave her every opportunity to straighten up. I took her meds. I administered the correct dose of her med on a daily basis. I hid them from her and did all I could but she still would hoard and save them and abuse them. After so long I made the decision to put my children daycare remove them from her care for their safety and to hopefully light one last ditch effort of a fire under her *** to prove I was serious. After a series of events in our lives she ended up renting her own apartment with my kids in daycare. I had an argument with her where I hold nothing back. I was mean. I was honest and she needed to hear it.

Possible trigger:

24 hours on her own and her own place and she was dead. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. And I was the one who found her. To this day I wonder had I not taking the kids from her would she still be here. The autopsy does not make sense and in my mind only points to an overdose of a drug she new not to take even 1 the single dose of at a time.

Now she had at some point been diagnosed with autoimmune disorders. One of which mixed connective tissue disorder. Obvious chronic migraine headaches. Mitral valve prolapse syndrome dysautonomia. Which come to find out in my own finding is not something you're born with and is highly hereditary and can cause a host of problems.

After her death I had made it my mission do not become her. I wanted to know what was wrong with her what could be wrong with me now or in the future and also what may happen with my own daughter later on. I spent 4 months nonstop online reading and researching and came up with many interesting possibilities and I'm saddened everyday that I could not have done this while she was here and maybe I could have helped and supported her more then ridiculed and dismissed her so many others had done. I'm not perfect . I struggle daily with chronic pain autonomic issues blood pressure heart rate all sorts of things that my family is now dismissing for me. My husband tries. He believes he wants to understand but my father my sister and all my other blood family C me as my mom. And drug seeking hypochondriac and I'm pretty sure that's all I'll ever be to them. I realize now that my mom was sick with several major issues. I wish I could have supported and helped her...I just didn't understand then...I would give anything to let her know that I get it now. I believe without a doubt she was bipolar.. had sever dysautonomia and others. I KNOW I am bipolar...the event of my life over past years really leave no other explanation.

So while this isn't helpful to ur particular situation with your mom necessarily...I do relate to the whole quest to not be her. It consumed my life after she died... and doctor or no doc...I know my months of research led me to answers I needed...not what I wanted to hear...but what I needed to find for her and me and my daughter.

Please contact me if u want to chat...vent..have questions...it's so hard to include everything in these short descriptions of our lives but I am hoping to reach out to someone that may need a boost or a friend.

[Tauren]

It sounds unlikely that this could happen to you. You would already be having the mood swings. Share all of this with your medical doctor if you're still worried, though.

As for whether the amnesia and delusions were real, no way to tell for sure but you can NEVER underestimate the strange things the human brain can come up with. It could have been anything from faking to a brain tumor to bipolar with psychotic features.

sounds to me as though the delusions were possibly linked to some form of PTSD. I have occasionally woken from a night terror thinking I was in another time and place.. The delusion rarely lasts more than a few minutes though.

I agree with those above that if you had inherited any of this you would have already seen the signs. I don't believe you have to worry. You seem very self-aware.

Okay, those who are worried about becoming your parents, that is quite a normal instance. We all carry on characteristics of our parents most of them raised us for at least 18 years of our natural lives. However this is something as an individual you have some choice about. If you so chose you can change the way you saw things done by your parent and be a shining example of what not to do or how not to act. Hence the reason I don't like to drink, I take care of my mental health and I don't smoke any more. Also I am very loving and caring to my four and a half year old daughter and treat her like the precious little girl she is not an adult like I was constantly treated as.