[RandomDudeOnLaptop]

First off, if you've ever suffered from anxiety, particularly existential anxiety, have ever had an existential crisis, or are at all sensitive to dark/nihilistic metaphysical ideas, I strongly recommend that you don't read further. I've read far too many forum posts, even ones on this website, from people who say they started obsessing over this because they read about similar experiences from other people online.

For eight years, I've had an on-and-off fear that I am essentially God, that I created the universe twenty-one years ago when I was born, and that I am the only person who truly exists. The entire world is nothing more than my lifelong, ongoing dream.

Typically, I would obsess over this for a few weeks and then forget about it for a year. But since last January, the feeling hasn't gone away. Since then, my certainty in solipsism has fluctuated from 90% to 10%. The depression it has given me, which was once pretty major, has definitely subsided a good amount since it began. But I still think about it dozens of times every single day. I overanalyze every minor coincidence in my life, worrying that they're "evidence" that the universe is my own fabrication. (This, too, is something I do a lot less often today than I did a few months ago. But I still purposefully avoid entering raffles or doing anything else that could result in something unlikely happening.)

There's no question in my mind that I should have gotten myself into therapy a year ago, because I was literally depressed then. (I never did.) But I'm not depressed now, or at least, I don't think I am. I'm often happy, and I don't despair or stress over my thoughts for hours on end anymore. But they still nag at me, and I am still uncomfortably uncertain about the world's existence. (At the moment, I'd say I'm only ~75% sure I'm not in an elaborate, 21-year-long dream right now.)

My thoughts honestly don't seem at all irrational to me. I've come up with many arguments both for and against my "theory," and from my point of view, they're all pretty sound. I've wondered if I have GAD or OCD, but my thoughts aren't the random, impulsive kind one usually hears about from people with those illnesses. I've thought about getting therapy, but I'm hesitant because of these reasons. I fear that there is nothing wrong with me, meaning that I cannot be "cured" or treated.

I know most of you guys aren't professionals and that it's impossible to diagnose me with limited info, but I'd nevertheless appreciate your input, just so I have some vague idea of what I should do about this, if I can even do anything. Probably worth noting: This isn't the only existential/philosophical/metaphysical crisis I've had. I've had several others in the past year, most of which I'm pretty much over with now. But I won't get into the details because jeez this is already way too long.

[Altered Moment]

Hi, welcome to PC. Maybe you can get some insight here.

I really know nothing about his category but Dissociative Disorders came to mind.

Maybe copy and paste this post in that section and see what people say. I am not saying you have that disorder. If you have had some serious trauma it could be a symptom of that. I had very similar experiences for a year but as a result of a major manic episode with lots of pyschosis. It took me a long time of thinking about those experiences to kind of sort out the "reality" of them.

Dissociative Disorders - Forums at Psych Central

[IrisBloom]

Hi Random Dude. If the universe started when you were born, how did you come to be if nothing existed before you?

I think you think too much about things that you will never find answers for.

BTW, you are human, made of dirt, and the universe was here long before you came along and will continue to exist long after you return to dirt.

[Thunder Bow]

Check with your doctor to see if you are developing schzophrenia.

[kaiouti]

Ive had thoughts like this in the past. But to believe you are a firm believer of silopsis I think of many way to fight this, because you cannot believe you are the only conciousness and others are more subhuman forms or such because well you are on the internet, and they have concious discussion about the world. Also books, to show that their was a time before YOU that existed. sure you can believe its a dream like I do still, but I believe if there is a certain field or universe you exist in it has more to do with your soul/influence field and that it can change, like a drop of water amongst the ocean, if you change into oil, you separate and become one, but if you become water you combine with the rest and become like the hive mind, which is probably why you might believe in others being autonomous where they are impulsive like animals and they don't change much. this isn't the case. People exist and change form all the time, it's just that we conciously don't see it, so who is to say YOU are god amongst others. But then there is the polytheistic like belief that we are all gods, I believe this is more true.

Originally Posted by RandomDudeOnLaptop

....

My thoughts honestly don't seem at all irrational to me. I've come up with many arguments both for and against my "theory," and from my point of view, they're all pretty sound....

By "theory" here you mean that you have created the Universe, right? I am curious to hear these "sound" arguments.

You're right, this is not a place to seek a diagnosis. It's a support site. The most helpful support I can offer is a suggestion that you talk to your doctor and get a referral to someone who is trained in diagnosing and treating mental illness.

[TishaBuv]

Hi and welcome,

I agree that you should seek counseling and discuss these 'delusions'.

I have an outside-the-box comment for you: They say G-d made man in his own image. Therefore, you are G-d, we all are.

Does that make the thought more palatable? Are you able to fit into and function in society with that ideology?

There is also something unofficially called 'the G-d complex' referring to people who think they're above everyone else. That would go under Narcissism, I think.

[RandomDudeOnLaptop]

Does this sound at all like Pure-O to anyone? I've browsed through other forum posts by people who have it, and many of their experiences and thought processes seem eerily similar to mine. Especially since this isn't the only rumination I've had.

[WhatDayIsItAgain]

It seems more logical that each of us perceive an individual imagining of what really "exists". Actually being a deity seems like a lot of extra stress. Most people do create their own god after their own desires anyway, so maybe you are doing a more unique version of your own god being YOU instead of (*another deity choice*). Other people are older than you so do you accept they were born before you (in this universe) with the same ease as accepting the new babies just got here (in this universe) also? I never thought about that before... depression can make me want a different "me" in a different universe sometimes... but that is not quite the same thing, is it? I don't know