[Beryozka]

Hello everyone, and I hope you are well.

I just want to share something that happened recently because it has deeply shaken me, and I don't know how to respond.

I am quite young, and last year have run away to a different continent to escape my parents, who are abusive. In my new country there was a friend whom I did not know very well, who was in love with me at one point, and had promised to keep me safe. Unfortunately he started changing, I found out that he had been emotionally and financially abusive towards past girlfriends. He started behaving strangely towards me, breaking promises and then claiming he never made them in the first place. When I brought out written proof (emails, messages), he would say I'm overreacting and making myself look crazy, even though I take care never to shout, swear or turn physically aggressive. I do, however, cry from time to time, or get too upset to speak. He took all my efforts for granted, and used up a lot of my financial resources as well (although I was giving very willingly, so this is my problem).

We had two other friends, and eventually they became my new family. I didn't know why I suddenly became self-conscious about my accent and developed a strong anxiety and shame to the point of agoraphobia. My friends kept saying they'll love me no matter how difficult I was. A few times people outside our friend group would tell me how bizarre their reactions were, but for the most part I had very little outside perspective. I felt myself double checking my perception for everything, always feeling that I've done something wrong (when I saw the therapist, I apologised for intruding on his time, even though we had an appointment), and that everyone was barely putting up with me. Eventually I attempted suicide.

At the psychiatric hospital I was not given a diagnosis or medications, and was told to express emotions more if possible, to less people-pleasing, and to rest as much as possible. The psychiatrists (three of them) referred me to counselling. It's been a few months now, and I discovered that my friends had been abusive. My official records say that I have depression and PTSD.

I just recently found out that my friends have told others that I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at the hospital. This was immensely hurtful; for one thing, they know that I had been glad not to have BPD, partly because I can't deal with the judgment and stigma. I also have proof that I do not have BPD, and I also have an email from my friends (after I was discharged from the hospital) that they know I don't have BPD. I have written proof of one friend's abuse. Of the three friends, one has narcissistic personality disorder.

Here's an example: he says something that gets too close to my old wounds, and when I tell him to stop because it's hurtful, he says nothing is objectively hurtful, and that we all have different perceptions. If I think it's hurtful, that's only my interpretation, and he doesn't agree, and I have no right to demand him to act according to my point of view, especially since I'm mentally ill and don't know what I'm talking about. In addition, he had no intention to be hurtful, so I should take things so seriously, because otherwise he'd have to walk on eggshells around me, which will make him feel drained and stressed.

Quite often when I'm feeling bad and reaching out to him for support, he'll attack me with secrets I've told him in the past. When I tell him it's hurtful, he says he's actually being kind because he's forcing himself to put up with me all these months. When I say he seemed to have enjoyed my company before, and even initiated conversations, then he says he was forcing himself to act interested in order not to hurt my feelings, so I end up thanking him for his consideration and apologising for giving him stress, and making him sacrifice his well-being.

He's not the one who told others that I have BPD when I really don't. The other two flaked on me very often, then suddenly withdrew their support. I wrote (very politely) that I have some hurt feelings from this, and heard nothing from them until finding out that they told others (without my permission) of my problems, as well as that diagnosis which never happened at all.

I wasn't prepared for betrayal right after running away from a narcissistic mother. My grades are suffering, I have no other family aside from my teachers, I can't focus as well and fear that I'll lose them if I can't perform academically. In addition, I don't have enough money for counselling, though I'm trying hard to look for a job while studying. The hurt is deep, there are chest pains too.

Does anyone have an idea of what I should do to improve the situation? I've thought about looking for a boyfriend, but decided not to because I might get into another bad relationship, and in any case, it's unfair to let anyone be my emotional crutch. Or can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with the situation?

Thank you for reading, and I appreciate your time.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Beryozka: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find whatever amount of time you spend here to be of benefit.

Well... I don't know... these just simply don't sound like friends to me. And I doubt there's anything you can do to change that. There's a saying I once heard: "There's no point in trying to teach a pig to sing because pig's can't sing. And all it does is make them mad." I think continuing to try to turn these individuals into friends is just likely to "make 'em mad..."

I can certainly understand that you are lonely. From what you wrote it sounds like you're in school in a country other than the one you were raised in. So you don't have any family or long-term friends around you. I believe you are correct that looking for a boyfriend is not a great idea at present if that person is going to end up being used as an emotional crutch. Of course, if one just happens to come along...

Unfortunately I don't know anything about what life is like where you live. If you were in school in the U.S. I'd suggest checking out the possibility of counseling services through the school or through other sources that provide free or income-based services. I'd also suggest becoming involved with some clubs or other types of social groups through your school, or doing some volunteer activities in your community as a way of getting to know other people & at the same time beginning to feel better about yourself. However I don't know if any such things as these are possibilities for you. Getting a job may help too, if you can find one. Plus you'd have money coming in... always a good thing.

Anyway, these are my thoughts with regard to your situation... for what they're worth ( not much probably...) I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find a way through your dilemma.

[LiteraryLark]

This is a tough call. It's not something I am familiar with, but I am sending you warm wishes your way.

[Pikku Myy]

You are young and can still heal sweetie And even if you did go thru trauma... just keep typing. It helps The human body and mind have a way of coping with traumatic events. You need to believe in your first instinct. Always right

[avlady]

i feel for you!!!You are a good person just maybe have some social issues. i know because i'm also agoraphobic too. its not that bad anymore and you could be cured from it. i think these people are not good friends that you know and would try to make better friends. good luck

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Im so sorry that you are dealing with so much and then the only ppl you felt you could turn to betrayed you like that. i agree with skeezyks suggestion. Idk where you go to school but i think most colleges have a student health clinic. Alot of times they can help you also get free or cheap health care. Also check out your student union and other places where ppl post bulletions. It is likely that there are support groups on or near campus that you might find IRL supportive ppl. But in the meantime keep posting here! We may not be face to face but there are lots of wise kind supportive ppl here someone will almost always have time to at least send you a virtual hug. check out some different forums. I suggest for you the Depression, ptsd, survivors of abuse, and coping with emotions forums as good places to start.