Pointless

I really need guidance of some form or the other. Something happened to me, I apologize in advance for triggering material.

A few months back I was swarmed, attacked, pushed down concrete stairs, robbed, and left there to scream with no help. I ended up with a sprained ankle and a concussion. Something you'd hear but think it was from a movie, that is how it felt. Instead it wasn't from a movie, it happened to me. Police arrested one of four suspects. I am still waiting on a court date but he is a minor so most likely will get a slap on the hand and sent off.

Before I was attacked, I was working on trauma work in counseling and felt really comfortable talking more about my past. Things don't seem to matter much, all that work I did, vanished. I am now dealing with something else, I barely talk, I barely go outside or leave the house. Working on intense things is too much for me and I, my body shuts off and I feel like I have died. It's not helping me in counseling because I am trying.

I refuse to talk about what happened.

The crime rate here is increasing with more stabbings, shootings, shots fired, people getting injured or killed... it wasn't like that before, then all of a sudden there is this spike in crime in the last 8 months. Every night it seems something is going on. I am scared to be in society because I've been attacked and thrown down stairs, what's to say someone won't shoot me or stab me? I am scared. I am petrified.

No one gets it. I am not normal. I can't breathe anymore. I feel uncomfortable all the time.

I barely talk since what happened to me in counseling, I mean I barely talk about anything anymore. I guess I busted my *** off to work on childhood trauma then next thing I know, I am nearly killed. (I keep say they murdered me)

I am not sure what I need or am asking for... I am having a hard time finding myself, it all seems pointless. I don't like how I feel. I hate how I want to talk and then I disappear into whatever, or my thoughts stop or I can't even think.

I feel trapped.

What a horrible thing to have happened. I don't blame you at all for shutting down and feeling scared. I wonder if ou could process this with EMDR. That way you wouldn't have to talk much about it.

The incident probably rubber banded you back into your childhood trauma. Best to keep working with your counselor. Healing takes time. Have you thought of moving to a safer place or location?

Hello Fairyleaf: I'm sorry you had this terrible experience & wish you the best as you struggle to recover.

I'm sorry that you experienced this.

This sounds a lot like hypervigilance; it's not easy, to say the least. So, you've already endured childhood trauma way before this happened. Similar to what Thunder Bow said, this trauma could have echoes from your childhood trauma.
You can't talk about it right now; that's okay. You might not be able to discuss it or anything for a while. When I went through this, I'd talk about my current symptoms and use moments of my traumas as reference (like you'd see in a research paper); so that they weren't the focus. I also started off by talking about trivial crap with my therapist (I was having to rebuild my relationship with her because of a major setback in my personal life). For example, "Those damn Celtics let me down, again to the ****ing Lakers" or "My job sucks". None of this stuff really mattered too much to me, but it was easier to discuss and help me get out of "lock down" mode.
Healing from trauma takes time, go at your own pace. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I cannot even imagine how you must be feeling after such a violent and vicious attack against your person and mind. Things like this do change you. I hope you feel validated through the responses here and receive guidance in this tragic time in your life. (((Hugs)))

I've moved. I was moving at the end of the month anyways, but got the hell out of the area the same week.

I need to call the Robbery Unit and I'm dreading calling them to ask. Ask if that recent arrest with a bunch of people who robbed others who all lived near where I used to (the minor lived just two blocks from me) and what's to say it's not connected? I almost fell to the ground but I couldn't and ended up with a panic attack. Then all of a sudden I wanted to attack someone who would go into my bubble. I never attacked anyone but I was ready to screw someone up if that were to happen. Never did.

Last time I called the Robbery Unit about something, saying the people in a photo looked almost or similar to who attacked me. They brushed it off saying there isn't any new updates on that. They said it's not likely.

Ever since, I refuse to call back for updates. You know how police are, they're too busy to call someone asking how they are and to update them even if nothing new has come up, but to say, "wanted to update and see how you're doing. We haven't had any updates in your case." it would honestly make me feel a lot better knowing this.

But you know police have better things to do than call

Not all police are bad but some are about as useful as a fork to eat broth.

Fairyleaf, I am so, so sorry you had to go through such a terrible trauma. I believe you can heal from this - at least enough so you can function more normally. The idea of doing EMDR is a good one, I think. Best to you.

(((Fairyleaf)))),

You just did such a good job talking about what happened to you here in your thread. That's important "progress" that you should feel good about. When a traumatic event takes place as you have described, it's not unusual for someone to struggle to talk about it and be stuck stunned and frozen and in disbelief as you have described, thats "shock". Then what can happen is a need to talk about it, and talk about it many times in that you will be needing to say, "I can't believe this happened". That is our way of slowly realizing that something actually did happen, it's just normal to how human beings slowly begin to process a traumatic event. Actually, all the symptoms you are describing are normal reactions to a traumatic event where someone is totally caught off guard the way you were. Your desire to not want to go outside is also very "normal" too. You are on high alert right now and it's going to take you some time to "slowly" regain a sense of safety. If we were not designed this way we would have never survived as a species.

I am glad to read that you have moved, that will help you a lot because you are now away from the dangerous environment you were in.

You can use this thread or even start a new one if you have an urge to vent some more, it's SO HEALTHY to have an outlet to vent and have a chance to verbalize your way through regaining your sense of self "slowly".

I am sorry the police are not being more sympathetic, unfortunately, these individuals see these things constantly and can develop a kind of numbness that comes across as insensitive. Try to be patient with this, and I know that can be so very difficult for you.
There is certainly no harm in calling to see if there is any progress in finding "who" the individuals are that did this so you can ID them. However, the police have to follow a procedure that can take some time, moving too soon can prove to be the wrong way to go when it comes to finding out who perpetrators are and getting the right things in place so these individuals are actually held responsible.

Be very "patient" with yourself, and vent when you need to, it will help.

(((Supportive Caring Hugs))))

OE