[rdgrad15]

Anyone have this problem where they are too nice to others, which causes them to be taken advantage of? I know I have this problem. It is not as bad as it used to be but I am still too nice and care too much. I care too much about how others view me. This causes me to have problems saying no.

I am more assertive about saying no now than I used to be in the past but I still have that problem and even when I do say no, I feel guilty about it afterwards, especially if the person gets mad at me for saying no. In most cases, this involves people who have asked me for money or other favors way too often without reciprocating or repaying, resulting me in putting my foot down.

I don't like being used but sometimes being too nice makes me feel like everyone is out to use me since it has happened way too much in my past experiences. It has gotten to the point where I am afraid to offer things to people even if they promise to repay or reciprocate the favor later. And doing this makes me feel bad.

Anyone know how to not feel as bad for saying no and being more assertive without feeling guilty? I care too much about people. I don't want to come off as uncaring and antisocial, but at the same time, I don't want to be a doormat to people who are more than willing to use me for their personal gain. This goes for listening to other people if they need to talk, but them not wanting to listen to me when I need to talk as well, since that happens a lot too. Any suggestions on how to change this?

[Rainstoppedplay]

I was always like this, tied myself in knots trying to please. Got used and bullied.
Its all about esteem, build your self esteem up to normal levels. You are important, special and unique. When you truely believe this, the need to please excessively disappears. And ironically more people like you. Value yourself and others will get those vibes & value you too.
Walk tall. Look the world in the eye.
You are enough. You are always enough.

[skitsnigel]

I have also felt used in the past as a result of being too kind and generous towards people with both favors and precious time. Even a no in disguise was guilted away and I felt like I had no choice but to push myself when I didn't actually have the energy to help.
Being kind and helpful are great attributes, and at the same time it is superb that you have adopted "no" into your vocabulary. It is not as easy as some may think.

Trial and error is probably the best way to go about it. Offer help where help is needed and don't be naive. If you value the person that asks you for favors or money, talk to them if you can about a long-term help instead of momentary. If they borrow money without returning it look into if they need help with an expensive addiction maybe?
If you can bare parting with a questionable friendship, then two strikes and you're out.

Rule of thumb to keep in mind is to not part with money or things you really need or cherish. A reasonable person will understand. Don't let good relations sour because of an unpayed loan.
At the same time we can not expect a favor for a favor, but without offering some type of reciprocation, it probably isn't a healthy relation worth keeping.
If you're not treated with equal respect and worth, then ditch 'ehm. In my opinion that is nothing but a toxic relation.

Continue being assertive and putting your foot down. Be kind when needed. What it means to be kind however is something only you can decide for yourself.
Be honest towards yourself and others about your limitations when it comes to energy and patience.
It's not human to have a neverending source of both.

I hope some of this can be of help!

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Rainstoppedplay

I was always like this, tied myself in knots trying to please. Got used and bullied.
Its all about esteem, build your self esteem up to normal levels. You are important, special and unique. When you truely believe this, the need to please excessively disappears. And ironically more people like you. Value yourself and others will get those vibes & value you too.
Walk tall. Look the world in the eye.
You are enough. You are always enough.

Yeah makes sense. I know exactly how you probably felt. I went through the same thing. I am definitely better than I used to be. I know when I need to say no. I used to not know when but now I do. I just feel guilty afterwards. I agree with what you said though.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by skitsnigel

I have also felt used in the past as a result of being too kind and generous towards people with both favors and precious time. Even a no in disguise was guilted away and I felt like I had no choice but to push myself when I didn't actually have the energy to help.
Being kind and helpful are great attributes, and at the same time it is superb that you have adopted "no" into your vocabulary. It is not as easy as some may think.

Trial and error is probably the best way to go about it. Offer help where help is needed and don't be naive. If you value the person that asks you for favors or money, talk to them if you can about a long-term help instead of momentary. If they borrow money without returning it look into if they need help with an expensive addiction maybe?
If you can bare parting with a questionable friendship, then two strikes and you're out.

Rule of thumb to keep in mind is to not part with money or things you really need or cherish. A reasonable person will understand. Don't let good relations sour because of an unpayed loan.
At the same time we can not expect a favor for a favor, but without offering some type of reciprocation, it probably isn't a healthy relation worth keeping.
If you're not treated with equal respect and worth, then ditch 'ehm. In my opinion that is nothing but a toxic relation.

Continue being assertive and putting your foot down. Be kind when needed. What it means to be kind however is something only you can decide for yourself.
Be honest towards yourself and others about your limitations when it comes to energy and patience.
It's not human to have a neverending source of both.

I hope some of this can be of help!

I agree with you said and yes, I am glad I know when to say no. I used to not know, but now I do. I just still suffer from the guilt afterwards.

Yep. I find that it often stems from a powerful sense of obligation. I used to spend a lot of money on people. I would make the plans and invites and feel obligated to be the hostess and usually picked up the tab. I no longer have money yet still feel the same obligation. Only now I feel a strong sense of guilt and having let everyone down.

[Thunder Bow]

Know that some times you can be of better help, by not helping someone. Rescuing others sometimes does more harm than good for the both of you.

[ChangesOrContinues?]

Originally Posted by Rainstoppedplay

I was always like this, tied myself in knots trying to please. Got used and bullied.
Its all about esteem, build your self esteem up to normal levels. You are important, special and unique. When you truely believe this, the need to please excessively disappears. And ironically more people like you. Value yourself and others will get those vibes & value you too.
Walk tall. Look the world in the eye.
You are enough. You are always enough.

The irony I have always found was 'why I never found someone like me, who could relate to my way of now thinking, which is if a person is there why would you take advantage? essentially people can have fantastic friendships but why did I not meet someone who has equal morals? Why am I the one who was wanting to form friendships but still the singleton in feeling empathetic, sympathetic, compassionate, love to them?! I could meet someone now who shares my lack of understanding for why would you take advantage of someone because of low self-esteem etc. but how do you break the habit of being wary of someone. Thank-you for your post it does help.

[Unrigged64072835]

Used to please people so they would like me. That hasn't helped at all. I'm no longer in a position where I have to please people, so I'm okay.