[Just1Question]

Sorry if this doesn't fit here or if it's not a serious enough question, but I don't really know where else to turn. I like the anonymity of this place.

Anyway, my question is about a parental issue. I don't really want to get into any specific details on our earlier encounters, but my mother is an anxious, recovering alcoholic who doesn't really have a lot of close loved ones. She lives in the countryside as well, away from civilization. At the same time, I have an extremely right-wing sibling who opposes everything I am (I'm mentally ill, trans, gay, and mixed race; we have different fathers). They're a lot older than me, and not as damaged, it's easier for them to argue and talk about these kinds of things without being hurt or triggered. Now... We're getting closer to Christmas, and since my mom doesn't have a lot of people, she's expecting me to come visit her. Problem is, my sibling will as well.

Christmas hasn't been that big of an issue before. It was uncomfortable as hell, but I could deal with it. But after I came out as trans, and after the election... Well, I'm in a constant state of stress, and I've ended up in several conversations with my sibling where I ended up having panic attacks for days after. I'm not going to get into those, but as you can probably understand, they don't really see my issues as valid, and refuse to support me.
Christmas is closing in, and with these issues present, I was planning to stay at home (I live away from my mom, with my partner and our cats) and not subject myself to this issue this year as well. Last year I was alone by choice, because I was afraid of being around my sibling. Though I'm planning to stay here, I still feel really guilty about not going to visit my mom. Her views and my sibling's views don't match up either, so I feel like I should be there for her so she doesn't have to deal with it alone. At the same time, I don't want to dread Christmas and visiting her, AND having to live with my sibling for a few days as if nothing's happened.

My reason for getting into this now and asking this question is that my mom just messaged me telling me my sibling wants me to visit her with them this weekend, promising not to touch on any hurtful subjects. That's not my problem though, just being around them makes me extremely anxious. She ended this message by saying that if I don't come tthis weekend, she really wants both of us to come there for Christmas, "for her sake", and ending it with a "Hug!". This brings me back to the issue that I feel... Guilty about not wanting to visit her.

SO. My question is (sorry it took so long to get here haha), can this kind of guilt tripping be called emotional abuse? I've dealt with it when I lived with her during my teens as well, before I moved out. And if so, what do you all advise me to do or say to her?

[Thunder Bow]

Do Not go there for the holidays, you are just asking for trouble. Take care of yourself. There is nothing you can do for her. If you want to visit in the future, do it with just her alone.

[Rainstoppedplay]

Don't go, do what YOU want to do.

Manipulation and abuse, plain and simple ... You've been down this road before ... Don't allow them to dupe you again!

I'd spend the holiday (guilt and all) exactly as I wanted to ... At home with my partner and cats!

Politely decline both invitations by saying you appreciate the offer but already have other plans ... Don't elaborate any further, and if they try to get all snotty and argumentative with you about it, simply thank them for helping to prove your point, then calmly hang up the phone and refuse any further engagement with them as nothing good will come of it.

And, remember this ... The guilt you feel for not going will subside a lot quicker than the sting of any fresh wounds they bestow upon you if you do go!

[Just1Question]

Thank you all so much for your replies. There's not a lot of people around me I can talk to about this, so you've all really helped me. I'm certain of what I'm going to do now; stay at home and try being as comfortable as possible. You're all wonderful <3

I'm glad you've decided to take care of you! ...

Enjoy your holiday as best you can, and I assure you that each time you choose to distance yourself from all the unnecessary trauma and drama of life, it will get easier to accept that you have in fact made the correct decision for your well-being!

And the good news is all that guilt will eventually melt away too, because you'll come to realize that it was never yours to carry in the first place!

[Luce]

You know, your reasons for not wanting to go are valid and real, and you have the right to look after you. I am dissociative and I assume you are not, but even so I think this still stands: Not only do you have the right to look after you, but you have the right to be looked after by you. Its a subtle difference, but it comes from two different angles, yes?
Anyways... here's what I would do (if I could!): If you want to go visit your mother for Christmas, but at a different time to your brother. Your mother may wish to play happy families for her , but in all honesty isn't happy for anyone and it actually hurts you, so No. Just No. But a compromise if you wish to give one is to visit your mother at a different time.
And, if you don't go at all here's what will happen: the earth will keep on turning, the haters will keep on hating, and others will keep on sticking up for all human beings to have equal rights everywhere.
The End.