[seaweedmoonbeam]

Family during the holidays??

This seems like such a simple idea… and I wish that it was.

I will try to make this as short as possible and hit all the high points. I really need some outside advice.

My parents are both alcoholics and no longer involved in my life. When my husband and I learned that we were expecting our first child we moved to be closer to my extended family. When my ‘mother’ learned of my pregnancy and our move she contacted every member of my family and attempted to turn them against my husband and I. She told them lies and invented stories about my husband (whom she has only met 3 times). Luckily the majority of my family ignored her and brushed off her rantings as the destructive behavior of a lunatic. We (my husband and I) had such amazingly high hopes for a loving family when we moved here.
For a while we were making the best of things and the entire situation. I was seeking counseling for the effect of my parents’ behavior on me and things were looking up. We were trying to slice out a little piece of the American dream and have a family. We were doing everything we could to be part of these people’s lives… THEN we noticed that if WE weren’t making the effort, if WE weren’t driving all over creation then we never saw our family. We figured that once we had our son things would be better and people would come a visit us. Since our ENTIRE family knew of our situation and knew how alone we were (my husband is an only child and his parents are deceased) we assumed that they would make the effort to spend time with us. Well, we had our son and it was a wonderful and beautiful experience. I was so happy and so ready to share my amazing baby with the world. I was so excited to have a family. I have not heard a word from my family. 5 days after my son was born we sent out the usual announcements…. Cards, pictures, phone calls… the whole nine yards. Nothing- No phone calls, no cards, no visits... My son is now 3 months old and I have not heard a single word from any member of my family. UNTIL yesterday when we received a phone call and were invited to the family Christmas party. I would like to point out that during this phone call there was not a single question asked about my son, my husband or myself.

Every time I think about this I get filled with anxiety. Part of me thinks why in the world should I go and share my family with people who couldn’t even bother to pick up the phone in 3 months. Another part of me feels like I’m just being bitter (a very small part of me). My husband would rather do anything in the world than face these people (he is acutely aware of how heartbroken I am). I am also aware that if I do go, I may say some things that I regret. What should I do?! I really need some advice.

Please feel free to ask me to any questions that might help clear things up. I would be more than happy to share more details or back story if that might help. Thank you very much!

I'm really sorry about this...I know that a baby should bring family together...

In my family there is a member that turned on me. I have had occasion that I had to go and be pleasant.

Sometimes we have to face family just the same as we would face an acquaintance. Go, be polite, do your duty and then have a glass of wine when you get home.

Treat it like an office get-together.

Then you can come here and vent and we will absolutely commiserate with you...

You can do this.

[*Laurie*]

Hi seaweedmoonbeam, Are you in Concord, California? (Just curious, as I'm not too far from there.)

I'm with your husband on this one. If he truly would rather do anything than face your family, I think he has good reason - and be cautious, imo, about alienating him while trying to fix things with your extended family.

From what you've described, it sounds like your extended family has a lot of issues. For one thing, did they really ignore your mother's lies and accusations? It doesn't sound like they did.

I have some extended family members who are wacky (with alcoholism being the central issue). It's sad, I'm very sad about how things are, but I have stopped expecting anything from those particular people. They are people who are choosing to remain sick and I don't want any part of that. I've stopped looking to them to rescue me from any uncomfortable feelings I have.

You have been blessed with a caring husband and a wonderful baby boy. My thought is, be grateful for the family you've created and let go of the sickness that is your extended family. If there are one or two people in your extended family that you do value (and who value you), plan on getting together with that one or two on your own, or with your son, for lunch or something simple.

I think this is a great opportunity to make your own traditions.

It would be bad enough now, but consider that making a tradition out of spending the holiday with your extended family will not be the environment you want to take your youngster to when they are older. I think now is the time to put your foot down and make the effort to avoid all that. Hence use this as an opportunity to start up your own tradition. It will not only be a stand in advocating for yourself but ensure future holidays are on your own terms.

Yes, it will be difficult. One excuse does come to my mind - the baby itself. You might indicate the child does not react well with crowds. I don't think it would be wrong to make a small fib and suggest the baby is fighting a cold.

[Thunder Bow]

Spend the time with your husband and baby. Otherwise you are taking a risk of bad feelings.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Hi. Sorry about your family I come from a terribly dysfunctional family as well. It is your decision to make. But maybe by inviting you this is their attempt to reach out?... I don't know them so I can't say for certain but maybe they are just not emotionally intelligent. If I were in your situation. I would go to the party. But only plan on staying for like ten minutes. Let them know you can only stop by for a short time..use the baby's schedule as an excuse if you need one. So that way if you are having a horrible time,you have already set up a clear out that won't appear like you are hurt or upset...and who knows? Maybe you will have a wonderful time and then you stay longer?! I say hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. If you show up without any expectations then you can not be let down. And every great once in a while people can surprise you!

[kecanoe]

It sounds like it would be better for your peace of mind to stay away from your extended family. I would tend to trust my husband on this since he sees what goes on first hand, but from a different perspective than your. In my experience, having drunk family members at family gatherings can be excruciating, and I would want to shield my child from this.

[MickeyCheeky]

Have you made a decision. I was thinking about this yesterday as I celebrated Yule/Winter Solstice. This is a tradition I decided to follow in order to avoid the who-gets-to-have-us-for-Christmas arguement.

[Shazerac]

My family is truly a giant bad of mixed nuts. I avoid them on holidays, it's just too much stress for me. The drinking, the fighting, the manic episodes, the anxiety attacks, the police getting called on out of control drunk brother, etc. etc.

Sounds like an excellent opportunity to spend time with husband and baby and create your own healthy holiday traditions.