Reacting to bad news

Ever been told bad news about something, like someone has been seriously hurt, seriously ill, or even passed away and you go to confide in some friends about it, only for them to suddenly pull away? And they usually remain distant until either you are happier or at least don't bring up the bad news anymore? I've always wondered why some people act this way.

I understand bad news, especially news about death, is extremely awkward and just depressing overall, but at the same time, sometimes we need a friend to talk to or at least to be with. And it can feel upsetting to tell a friend what is upsetting you, only for them to continuously change the subject or avoid you all together. I always thought it was partially because they are uncomfortable, but also because they may not be as good of a friend as I thought.

Back in 2015, an aunt I had, who I really wasn't close with, passed away. Luckily I was not too devastated since she was in and out of comas for 15 years so it was actually a good thing she was finally at peace. I told a friend and my friend literally started avoiding me right after. Once I returned from the funeral and it was all over, she starting hanging out with me more again. Even though I was not close with my aunt, the way my friend handled it made me question whether or not she is really a true friend.

She did al,oat the exact same thing when my grandmother past away not too long ago. I brought up the subject of me having to go to a funeral a couple times and both times she changed the subject. Didn't even give me the chance to say who it was for. I understand she probably felt uncomfortable, but I feel like most friends would have been more considerate. Same with anything else that is bad and makes me upset. It can seem like she doesn't care. Anyone else ever have that problem? Think when someone does that, it means they are not a very good friend?

Also that same friend texted me one time a while back saying she was so mad that another close friend of hers chose to go to a funeral to support someone else who was grieving over a death in the family, rather than hanging out with her. It just seems like anytime something bad comes up, this one friend wants nothing to do with it and will do anything to avoid discussing it, listening, and even getting mad at those who offer support to others that are hurting. I feel like she comes off as selfish.

And there are even times when someone is talking about something that is upsetting them, she will turn the conversation around and make it about her. Basically she acts like it is okay for her to talk about upsetting topics, but not anyone else. Sometimes it makes me wonder how good of a friend she really is. Luckily both deaths that I mentioned actually involved both people no longer suffering, so in a way, it was a good thing they were at peace. So I wasn't overly devastated as if it was a sudden death and the person was very young.

Still, the fact that she reacted that way alarmed me. What if something really tragic happens. Like if someone very young or someone I am a lot closer to passes away tragically, or something else just as bad upsets me. The sues tion is, will she be there? As of now, I actually don't think so. Not just because she treats me that way, but I've seen her do that to others as well. It is like she doesn't care. Very selfish in my opinion.

Anyone else have this problem or know why some people act like this? I don't understand why this is the case. I understand listening to someone else discuss what is bothering or upsetting them can be awkward, but I fee like she could at least be a little more considerate and just listen. Doesn't really have to say anything. Just listen. Do you think she is just not a good friend or just has trouble listening to bad news? I feel like the way she just blows off me or others is rude, and in the case where she got super angry at her friend for supporting someone she was close to at a funeral, was downright selfish.

Well, I don't know her personally.. but it could be possible that she just doesn't know how to handle negative situations. I'm sure there are a lot of people like that. So yeah, I don't think she's a bad friend for this.. unless there are other things that bothers you.

i had a friend that was like that. She would tell me all her problems for hours on end, and I couldn't even talk about mine. She is a FB acquaintance now.

Hi rdgrad

Firstly I am sorry for your losses and the fact that you didn't find her supportive in these
But might it actually be a sign that she really does care a lot about you that she's found it so hard to give you much/any support in those situations??
Sometimes it can be much harder to support someone we feel real close to when they are going through a hard time than someone we have a little more "distance" from............harder to see them hurting or potentially hurting............
Or she might see you as a strong person, and might feel that you don't need her support as much..........that you're going to know "how to handle it".............
Perhaps her method of coping with things is distraction.........changing the subject and she's hoping that helps you.............or perhaps she is just "lost for words".............
Then perhaps she herself has some unresolved feelings of loss and she instinctively tries to avoid triggering experiences..............
Maybe you could try telling her exactly how her reactions have made you feel and encourage her to tell you how she has felt at the time??
As right now..........it doesn't sound like she'd be able to be there for you in really difficult situations............unless maybe you told her exactly what you needed from her at the time..........??

But you know this doesn't necessarily need to completely lose her value as a friend, depending on the rest of the friendship............there are sometimes different friends we can turn to for different things..........e.g. knowledgeable ones, practical ones, lighthearted ones..........if she has strengths in other areas then maybe more utilize her friendship in those areas where you can if you feel it would work, and for the more difficult times then other friends may be able to "fill those gaps" a lot better............??
Just some thoughts............



Alison

Yep that is exactly what she is like. I know exactly how it feels.