[MtnTime2896]

I'm not sure if it's the agitated depression, PTSD or what. I'm starting to scare myself. Not in the way like, "Oh hey, I'm going to off myself as soon as I'm alone." Because I won't. It's also not just the hallucinations that are making my skin crawl, or even the paranoia (well that could be part of it, I'm convinced more often than not that something bad's going to happen).

I'm familiar with intrusive, often violent, thoughts that cross my mind. Usually, the violence is directed towards myself; much less frequently towards others. I sit or hang out with people who I care about and who care about me: My fiance and our two friends. These are people I'd take a bullet for and never want to hurt in my life. I want to protect them. Here's the thing, I'm having to hold back these violent urges that come out of nowhere. It's like I want to hurt them, even if only for a minute. My fiance and I were playing around earlier and I shoved him pretty hard...it wasn't an accident, either. I wanted to beat the crap out of him without any provocation. I felt guilty immediately following and hugged him and helped him fall asleep. It was like, I saw myself do it but I wasn't in control of my body and my rage.

I've dealt with something similar to this before, but it's been a long time since I was like this. Like I'm a hair trigger waiting to depersonalize or derealization and acting out violently without being able to stop. Last time I got like this, I'd end up going through full dissociation and "wake up" with broken objects around me; I'd also find myself crying and wondering why. Like, how the hell did I not remember having some sort of melt down where I'm crying and breaking things?

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I control this around the person I love the most? Why would I ever want to hurt him when he's one of the few people who's never once hurt me? It doesn't make sense.

Hi -so leigheas-

Can I ask what your official diagnosis is? This may help those of us who wish to help and offer some support. What is your treatment?

A suggestion in the meantime that comes to mind is Mindfullness. It is about being self aware of your circumstances during a triggering situation. This is a big part of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) although some CBT (Cognitive behaviour therapy) practitioners include it too. It could be as simple as focusing in on something around you or being aware of your body.

For example, I recently had a difficult situation and I became 'aware' of the gloves I was holding from the texture and feel of them against my skin, to the manner in which I held them, to the stitching and colour, and so on.

ANother example is to concentrate on your body. How are you sitting, how does the chair feel against your bottom, your back, what position are you in, can you feel the floor with your feet...

[*Laurie*]

Hi So leigheas, Like justafriend posted, I'm curious about what your diagnosis is, and what your treatment plan is. I ask this because I'm hoping the information will be helpful for those of us who want to do our best to help you.

[MtnTime2896]

Bipolar 1 w/psychotic features; PTSD; GAD; other undistinguished anxiety disorders; ADHD; I.E.D. (Intermittent explosive disorder)

Buried anger that hasn't been processed? (PTSC Trauma(s))

Sometimes I when I am feeling badly I take it out on my spouse and he admits that he has days when he has done that to me. I haven't acted like that lately because I am much more stable than I have been for years.

In 2015, when I first started driving/walking, I would have these weird urges (that I didn't want to act on) to jump into oncoming traffic--it would sometimes then make me think of the moment I attempted (complete with how it smelled at that moment). I would stop concentrating on my driving totally--be in another place. I think I was still involuntaryly processing trauma because my attempt was scary but instead of feeling scared at all that day, I went into shock--I was completely calm (maybe 30-40 min) then lost consciousness.

With time, it goes away, but I did have a bunch of panic attacks and dreams before I got to that point. It might go away with time for you someday too.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Buried anger that hasn't been processed? (PTSC Trauma(s))

I have never thought of my own PTSD as, in part, buried anger that hasn't been processed. Thank you for pointing that possibility out, Hopingtrying.