[Dances in rain]

I am a 22 year old male who turns 23 in a little over a month. The first symptom I have is numbing. I don't cause it, and I can't force it to stop once it happens. I become emotionally numb randomly, no matter how much I care for the person. It's like I can't remember ever having any emotional connection with them. Also, when people compliment me or act like they love me, I feel disgusted usually. It also usually disgusts me when I am hugged, rubbed on my back, or touched unexpectedly. If I ever feel love or affection for someone, I lose those feelings and get anxiety until I push them out of my life. Also, I stare on a daily basis. But not regular staring, it's deep. Like, I'm unaware of my surroundings when it takes place. It's like I leave reality during my staring spells, like a trance. Also, people tell me my eyes become empty and it looks like I'm focusing my eyes on something very far away. My ex gf always said it scared her to see that blank expression. I have terrible memory as well. I have moodswings ranging from severe depression to manic energy that annoys everyone around me. Sometimes I feel hatred. I mean, hate that is so strong it is concerning. These moodswings are emotions at their highest level. I don't think I'm bipolar though because they fluctuate from every five minutes to every two hours. I haven't noticed a trigger either. I'm very impulsive and I get a rush from being impulsive. The
Rush is so nice to me I'm always impulsive. It has resulted in 16 criminal charges for shop lifting, drugs, violence, property damage.. Also, once I get angry, I get very angry and can't calm myself down. My anger scares me. it makes me at least five times stronger than I usually am. Crazy strength. I feel an emptiness inside that I try to run from by using drugs. I can also escape the crippling, extreme, frequent moodswings I've had since I was 11. I was a cutter for 7 years. I attempted suicide seriously on four occasions and was actually happy because I knew no one had any idea what I was planning. It felt like a relief to escape my pain permanently. I never would try cutting myself or killing myself again though. I learned a lot just how much it affects your family. Anyways, I used to hit dogs as a child and when I realized what I was doing, it would make me cry and wonder why I would do something so evil. Then I'd be sweet and loving to the dog I just finished hitting. I don't maintain friends at all, and I prefer to be at home and usually am. I isolate myself from my family and like I said, I don't have friends so it's just me. Also, vacuum cleaners, lawn mowers, dogs barking, and loud noises make me freak out and I can't handle it to the point where I need to go to a quiet place. I am also extremely ticklish everywhere on my body, shirt tags drive me insane and make my skin crawl, and I have so many other symptoms of sensory processing sensitivity disorder. I was with my dad from birth to age 9. He was never around. He's a drug addict who was always gone selling drugs. My mother got sentenced to life in prison when I was 3 for murdering her husband and father. She was mentally ill but I'm unsure what her diagnoses was. During my 4 years in foster care, I know I changed homes often. The longest I spent in a home was a month. As I kid, I remember writing down all the homes I lived at to count them. It was over 20, but I only remember like three of those homes. I remember being locked in a closet and verbally abused, but don't remember any real abuse. I don't remember though so I'm not sure. I was neglected my whole childhood from birth to age 12, and never had friends or any bonds to any other person. I got adopted at age 12 but at 14, they divorced and put me back in foster care. I caused the divorce because I was bad in school and stressed my adopted mom out and she stopped having sex with her husband and he cheated. After they put me back in foster care was when I started getting criminal charges and using drugs and fighting. Any idea what mental disorder I have? My diagnosis always changes so I'm very confused. Any help would be much appreciated, thank you everyone!

[benzenering]

Hi Dances While PC is a forum for support, we really cannot diagnose you. Please see a doctor soon who can help you.

[Thunder Bow]

You seem to be doing well for someone had had such a horrible childhood, no wonder you are feeling what you are feeling. You are on the right path for healing. Therapy will help, if you are already not doing it.

[Dances in rain]

I wasn't aware of the guidelines, thank you so much for your positive support though I have so much further to go still but I am satisfied with my progress.

Hi Dance...welcome to PC!

Mental illness is more like a blurry rainbow where symptoms overlap and sometimes mistaken for other diagnosis which is why it's much more a trial and error thingy under pdoc care...even for them it!s a hit or miss...

Diagnosis can be in multiple in which an individual can have more then one condition n concurrent or co-morbid.

You described anything from ptsd, dissociative disorder, borderline personality disorder, personality types (sociopath, psychpath, avoidant, etc...many more)....plus, there are medical reasons, too....so a MD, Pdoc, and therapist are your best mental health care team.

If you in anyway feel like you are a danger to yourself...get to an ER immediately for a psych eval...it might be the condition that is affected your rationale.

Good luck sweety!

[VanGore28]

I won't mention mental disorders, ill just try and give you some practical advice. Do you have a creative outlet of some sort? Books, music or do you like sport ? You can run or cycle doesn't have to be team.

I can relate to the hurting animal part. I am schizoaffective and when i was a young girl(yes I'm female) i caught bees in plastic bottles so they obviously suffocated. I'm not sure who knew about it. With a childhood friend we set out to catch a neighbours cat, i can't remember what we were going to do with it but i remember my mum made my police officer aunty question me so it must have been bad. But i would never hurt a person and these were one offs, i was just a kid. I also remember putting a clothes peg on the dogs ear till it squeeled, but it was some kind of morbid curiosity. I hate admitting these things. People are made up of black and white.

What worries me the most is the anger, and then the impulsive actions. What happens if you hurt someone and end up behind bars or you lose control. You have to get help.
I never got help and i had a full blown psychotic breakdown where if i had spoken to a professional i may have been saved and spared myself the humiliation and self degrading behaviour i cant take back.(i destroyed a neighbours house with a golf club for no reason but psychosis is just one thing)
When you describe how you shy away from affection, it is so understandable as you haven't had much chance to form close ties. But when i attended a counselling group, what everybody wanted above all was : love. This could be one of the causes to your anger

Try and speak to a professional Best of luck